Monthly Archives: June 2013

Decisions, decisions

I am at a bit of a crossroads on a personal level. Last night I was discussing changes in our bodies. I’m not 18 any more. Things are changing in how my body works. I hate it, but it’s fairly inevitable. I used to be very muscular and flexible. I danced almost all my life. I had a few years where other things took precedence. But when I was younger, I never lost my muscle tone. That just isn’t happening any more.

It’s been about 5 years since I quit dancing. I did gain a whole lot of weight in the first year after I quit. Going from 4-5 hours of exercise daily (dance is great exercise!) made a huge difference in my life. However, I still had my layers of muscle under my layers of fat. I was still strong and flexible. I was just a larger strong and flexible woman. In the last year or so, all my flexibility and muscle tone has faded away. I haven’t gained any weight. My measurements are the same. I have not changed dress size. But I look different. And I can’t do what I used to be able to do.

I am really struggling with this. I’m struggling with it way more than I struggled with the weight gain. I have accepted that I am never going to be 18 again. I will never have the recovery time or the facility with my body that I did at that age. But the way my body looks and functions right now, today… is not making me happy. It’s making me frustrated and a little depressed. I find I can’t flog for hours without dripping in sweat. I can’t go to a dance club and spend an hour on the dance floor. Some days I can’t even touch my toes.

The problem is that I completely despise “working out.” I hate going to the gym with a burning passion. I find it tedious and boring. No amount of reading on the bike or listening to music on the eliptical machine makes it more palatable. I hate it. And on top of that, my schedule is odd enough that many gyms & classes are out of the question. I’m not off work in time to get home, let the dog out, feed the dog, let the dog out again, and get to any place before it’s closed. I thought I’d try a zumba class since that seems like it might actually be fun. Unfortunately, I can’t find one that even starts after I get off work.

Between my atypical work schedule and my loathing for working out, I’m not finding it likely that my body is going to undergo any significant positive changes. That is also a but frustrating. I have exercise videos at home, but I hate them too. So I don’t do them. I have a Wii. I like a few of the games, but that doesn’t seem to be enough to make a difference in my ageing body. I need to do more if I want to regain my muscles and flexibility. But the hatred of “working out” is really not helping me.

So now I have to choose:

Do nothing different and accept that my body is going to keep getting stiffer and flabbier.

Change my work schedule and start over building a clientele (for the third time) so I might be able to find some classes I would enjoy enough to attend regularly.

Figure out how to motivate myself to do something that I completely despise.


None of these seem like very good choices. But I feel that if I haven’t been able to accept this new state of being after about a year, I probably won’t ever be able to accept it. That means increasing depression and frustration. Not something I really want to deal with.


This is my life: sensual flogging

I had planned for him to stand, but he was just too drained after being edged for an hour and a half and then finally allowed to cum. So I let him collapse on the bed and just lay there. He thought we were going to be done, but I wasn’t done yet. I really wanted to flog him.

I grabbed my favorite flogger and gave him a few gentle whacks on the ass. The leather caught very slightly on the black rubber of his catsuit. It was a pleasant pull on the falls. I gave his back a few soft whacks as well. He is quiet and still. Breathing softly and resting his head on the pillow. I smile that he isn’t moving. He’s probably a little too tired and drained to move, but his mouth still works and he isn’t gagged any more. If he really couldn’t handle any more, he’d tell me. So I keep going. I start at the top of his back and increase the force just a bit over a few hits. As I increase to a hard hit that echoes in the room, he finally makes a little grunt and flinches some.

That makes me giggle. I love when he reacts to what I’m doing. I flog gently down his back to his ass and then increase the force again til he grunts a little louder. Again I giggle. I move gently down his legs to his feet as they hang off the end of the bed. Then back up again all the way to the top of his back. I’m feeling happy and a little silly so i very very gently drop the falls onto his head and pull them across his face. “Full body flogging!” I announce, “I’m even flogging your head!” Then we both laugh. “I see that now…” he is still just happily laying there.

I move to the foot of the bed and between his feet, rubbing my legs on his rubber feet while I flog his ass. From this angle, the leather falls seem to catch and drag along the rubber even more. I pull it all the way down his leg and off his foot, enjoying how it looks and how the slight resistance feels. I keep at this for a while, varying how hard I hit and sometimes even hitting hard enough to cause him to clench his cheeks and make pretty noises. Dragging the falls down his body and sometimes across his ass. Sometimes reaching all the way up to hit his back and drag the long falls all the way down his body. I start hitting him harder, enjoying the marked contrast between the hard smack of the initial hit and the soft pull down his body to his foot.

The harder hits are causing him to moan and grunt and flinch some. I’m getting really turned on. It’s already been such a hot night. But the physicality is something I have always enjoyed and found hot. His flinching and moaning and the sound of the flogger hitting the rubber are getting me worked up. I grab his foot between my legs and it’s just the right fit. I grind on his foot, his rubber against my rubber, and keep striking his ass. Over and over the sound of the hit and his reaction to it. Until I am cumming on his foot.

Good things

Tonight is playtime! I’m very excited. I get dinner, latex (loooooots of latex), as much strapon sex as I can manage (I am sure to be very sore tomorrow but it will be worth it!), and some pain play. Plus I have a date night with the raven. He’s been extra attentive lately. I like this new trend a LOT. Plus we had some time together spontaneously on Saturday. That was a rare treat which I was very happy about. I’ve been challenging him quite a lot lately and he has been doing a great job stepping up and being really honest about the few things he’s not ready for yet. The husband has also been very accommodating in the last few days. Part of me is kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop. But in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy being a demanding dom and fulfilling as many of my kinks as I can!

New look

Not sure if anyone was reading this. But if so, clearly I’ve moved to wordpress. So I lost my timeline moving everything over, but it’s all still here. New look. Same mental blatherings.

Unwelcome lightning strike

There he was like a sudden lightning strike on my friends page. He became friends with one of my other friends. I felt the shock like I’d accidentally touched the end of a violet wand. I haven’t seen him in such a long time but it still hurt me. I was so sad. Momentarily mourning again all the things that should have been but weren’t. Feeling the connection that I had shoved to the back of my mind. I clicked. I saw him now. And then I was not so much sad and mourning as I was… really angry.

There he was in the latex I could never get him to buy. That he wanted me to buy for him. Lots of it. That he never would buy for me. That he couldn’t wear because he couldn’t get any. It was just impossible. Couldn’t happen. There he was getting out in the local kink community. That he would never do for me. I could barely even get him to go out to dinner with me. Let’s not even think about going out to a kink event together. His kink life was private. PRIVATE. And all things related to kink were to be kept firmly behind closed doors and never exposed to the light of day or the rest of his life.

I was hurt and sad and really pissed off. Fuck you j. Fuck you for all the lies. Mountains of them. Fuck you for all the times you told me you had work to do and it was just an excuse to do something else instead. Fuck you for telling me you had a job when you didn’t. I based so many decisions on your lies trying to work around a nonexistent schedule. Fuck you for expecting me to give and give and give when you didn’t want to give back. Fuck you for trying to get me to be your sugar mama. Fuck you for being ashamed of me. It’s clear to me now that you were. And fuck me for ever giving you a second chance. Fuck me for allowing myself to ever form a connection to a pretty little liar. Because now I can’t get rid of it. And fuck me for not seeing right through you.

But I know this will pass. My anger is like a tornado. It comes on suddenly and is gone just as suddenly. All the same, I hope I never run into him out in the local scene. I don’t want to have to deal with these reactions around anyone else. I don’t get angry very often, but when I do I have no filter.

A disappointing day

It hasn’t been a particularly stellar day. I was exhausted at work because I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. That was expected. I usually have problems sleeping the first night the husband is gone. However, it doesn’t make me any less tired at work. So that was not a lot of fun.

And, of course, the husband is gone again. So that is less fun. We did have a great fun send-off this time though. He bought a new toy and we broke it in before he left. It was hot and it’s about time I was able to get my kink on and get some cock. That also doesn’t make me any less lonely that he’s gone.

I was expecting to get to see the raven tonight online for a while. But sadly, no. I’m understanding, to a point. It’s father’s day after all. However, we were supposed to meet. And it disappoints me.

The other bit I am not quite ready to write about yet. It’s at the tip of my fingers. But I am tired and cranky and disappointed. And it’s not coming off of them tonight.

Burning Desire

I want to grab him by his thick, black hair. I want to shove him down to his knees. I want to hold him down with my mouth on his and my hands around his throat. I want to sink my teeth into his flesh until he makes beautiful noises. I want to kiss him hard until he begs me to do whatever I want to do to him. I want to dig my nails into him. I want to leave my mark all over him. I want to make him shake with pain and pleasure and pain and on and on. I want it to make him harder when I tell him he is a useless, pathetic, whore. I want him to be helpless inside me. This is how I want to fuck. And I want him to want it too.