Fear and love and fear

Good grief, why does Jesse Eisenberg have to be so darn cute? He’s my only celebrity crush really. I am normally not at all attracted to the kind of men that Hollywood deems worthy to be actors. I was immediately attracted to his appearance the first time I saw him. After seeing a few interviews, it’s official: I have a celebrity crush on Jesse Eisenberg. I want to tie him to the bed and do terrible things to him. Yes yes, I realize that not only does he not know I exist, but even if he did he’s not likely to be a submissive masochist into chunky older women. But I can dream!

Also in the realm of dream-land, I think the one I want for my second submissive might have to be relegated to dream-land. Something is holding him back. I don’t know what it is. But maybe it’s for the best. He’s a little too perfect for me. Just challenging enough. Just beautiful enough. Just smart enough. Just independent enough. Just about right to possibly win a big piece of my heart. I don’t have a whole heart left to give after meeting my husband. But I might actually have some love left to give. This is both good and bad. It’s good to know. I have sometimes wondered if I was capable of loving anyone. When I met my husband, I knew I could. When we decided to open up our life to someone else, I wondered if he would be a fun diversion or something more. And if he were to be more, how much more.

The something bad comes into play with my husband. We talked extensively about opening things up. One of the things we discussed was the level of involvement of any other men. He would have prefered that I keep things on a very surface level and played with and slept with several partners. I knew it wasn’t something I could do. I was fairly sure that I would be incapable of loving anyone else in a way other than friendship. Through several other potential second submissives and one actual second submissive, that didn’t change. True, the second submissive I used to have did become more than a friend. But I was never in love with him. My husband thought I was. I’m intense and I can understand why he might have thought so. However, after two go-rounds with the same former second submissive, my husband realized I had never been in love with anyone but him.

The new potential second submissive is frightening. I know the potential is there for more than friendship. I think the potential is also there for more than the kind of love I develop for the people I play with long-term. I also suspect that the potential is there for me to fall in love with him if the chemistry is right in person. I won’t know if I never meet him. I don’t know that I ever will. I can’t tell if he is struggling with something he can’t share with me yet, if he is just poor and has issues managing money, or if he’s otherwise attached. Ultimately it doesn’t much matter. The thing is that it’s been nearly a year and I have gotten as close as I can manage online. It’s surprisingly close. Shockingly close. I asked him if I frighten him thinking that may be one reason he hasn’t met me in person yet. He said no. What I didn’t say is that he frightens me. Because love is scary.

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