Fear

So… I am starting to discuss with my husband the way I would like my future life to be. It scares him. Not that I can’t understand it. He’s afraid I will fall for the person giving me all the kinky things he can’t… who will steal my heart. I admit the possibility that I might be capable of falling IN love with someone who can give me all the things I’m looking for. It would make some kind of sense. I am clearly not going to be fucking someone I don’t find attractive. So it will be someone I find physically appealing. I am just as clearly not going to be spending this amount of time with someone I don’t like as a person. So it will be someone I find intellectually and emotionally appealing. And on top of that, he will be providing me with service, sex, and play in the manner that I dictate. That’s a lot. Even typing it makes me giddy and excited. So I can see why my husband is frightened.

What I am not sure about is whether I am capable of being IN love with two people at one time. If I can’t then I am pretty sure there is no chance I will ever fall in love with the second sub. I’m already (and still, after all we have been through) in love with my husband. This brings up an ethical question since I am going to be asking quite a lot from a second submissive. Can I, in good conscience, ask for the kind of time and commitment I know that I need from someone I can’t be in love with. The kind of relationship I want is committed, monogamous, and time consuming. That precludes him finding someone to be in love with who could be in love with him in return. I know that would make my husband a lot more comfortable. He is nervous about my finding someone else now that I am becoming clear about what I am seeking. Though he doesn’t think of the moral implications, just of potentially losing me.

Now I know I am capable of loving them both. I have been there before. Twice. And I also know that my love can read like being IN love to most people. It’s almost impossible to distinguish unless you’re inside my head with me. I know that my husband could easily deal with my loving someone else serving me. He has done that before. It made him uncomfortable the first time since he thought I was IN love. But now he understands how that works for me. And he is comfortable sharing my love in that way. I think he would prefer I say I won’t ever fall in love with anyone else. And really, all I can say is that I don’t know.

But what I can’t say to him yet… is that I think I want to. I think I want to fall in love with my second submissive. And I know I want them both to be in love with me. And I want that to be ok with everyone. I am hoping that is possible.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s