Finding kink, finding myself

I have read it so many times via blogs or comments. I have heard it from friends and strangers.

“I was always bossy.” “I have always been the one people follow.” “I have always been the one to take charge among my friends.” “I have always gotten my way.”

And then comes the inevitable…

“As soon as I found kink, I knew I was a natural Dominant.”

Well, that is not how it worked for me. I haven’t always been bossy. I didn’t always have people follow me. I’ve not been the one all my friends look to for decision making. And I certainly haven’t always gotten my way. In fact, though I do have a pretty strong personality, I don’t feel the desire to be the center of a circle of friends who all follow my lead. I am not comfortable bossing people around just in general. I don’t expect to always get my way, nor do I think it’s always appropriate for me to get my way. Sometimes I feel like a freak or not a real Dominant because none of those initial statements apply to me. Like somehow I’m doing it wrong or kidding myself about being a Dominant.

It has taken me many years to find my niche. And, of course, I’m still growing and exploring things. But reading how (so it often seems) every other Dominant on the internet was Dominant from birth and has simply found a safe/acceptable way to express their inner self, I feel perhaps I’m just not like they are. I do suspect there are others out there like me. Others who don’t identify with the “I have always been this way” trope. I bet they are just smiling and nodding and thinking to themselves the same things I sometimes think.

“Shit, everyone else seems to think that this is the only way Dominance functions so I’m just not going to make a big stir about having a totally different experience.”

Or perhaps it’s not nearly as many people. Or perhaps I’m just deluding myself. Because it’s taken me a very long time to embrace the word “Dominant” as it applies to me. I have very few role models to look to for the kind of things I’m interested in on the D/s side of things. The “born this way” Dominants never seem to doubt their decision-making process or abilities to lead. I’m still learning both decision-making for two (or more) and how I want to lead. My natural tendency is to consider how my decisions will impact the lives of the people I’m close to. I would think that would be a very desirable and positive trait for someone to have who will be in charge of some or all of someone else’s life. However, I don’t see very many Dominants who speak about how they are always thinking of how their words or deeds will affect their property. I do hear submissives who say that they are always thinking of their Dominants. Is it just hubris on the part of the Dominants to not admit that they consider their property before they make a decision or is it that they really don’t take the submissive into consideration? Is it only the submissive who is supposed to always be thinking of their Dominant? If I’m not supposed to think of the person/people I own, then I am certainly not a Dominant. If I’m supposed to want to be the leader for my friends, who didn’t consent to be led by me, then I’m not a Dominant. If I’m supposed to automatically be comfortable with having it all my way, then I’m not a Dominant.

But why can’t Dominant also include wanting to lead only those who have agreed to be led by me and taking a back seat in other situations. Why can’t Dominance include being fine with not always getting things my way? Why can’t Dominance also include those of us who weren’t born being comfortable issuing orders and expecting compliance? Surely it does include those of us who are just interested in authority over our partners and still have a long road ahead of us in exerting that authority. I wasn’t born Dominant. I didn’t grow up being Dominant. I found it later in life. And I found that it suits my needs in my sexual relationships.


2 responses to “Finding kink, finding myself

  1. Great writing. You share your thoughts and feelings so well. Thank you…

    • Thanks Howard. I have a lot of thoughts running around in my head, and it always feels great to get them down on “paper.” Even better if someone else can relate or it stirs thoughts in their heads. 🙂

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