I get rather frustrated sometimes at the ONE TWUE WAY brigade. Yet another way I’m doing it wrong is that I completely disagree that all dominants must start off as submissives. I don’t even think the best dominants have submitted. I think that people should do what works for them. If that includes trying out both sides of the slash, fantastic for them. But there’s nothing wrong with not trying out both sides of the slash either. It doesn’t make someone automatically better or more empathetic or more understanding or more anything. Can it? I think so. But it’s certainly not a universal.
I’ve seen so many otherwise open-minded and very non-one-twue-way people suddenly suspend their open-mindedness and logic when it comes to this particular version of the one twue way. That confuses me and is generally annoying. I’ve heard reasons for this particular blind spot. I’ve heard that it’s tradition. Well traditions aren’t always good or right. Traditionally, people in the south owned slaves. Actual slaves. That’s a tradition that was certainly NOT good or right and I’m really glad someone decided to buck tradition. I’ve heard that “everyone says” it makes one a better dominant. I have a particular burr in my bonnet about that one.
I’m really doing it wrong. Not only do I think it’s not necessary to submit first (or ever) to be a good dominant. I don’t believe it’s necessary to have every toy used on me or use it on myself first. I think that some people just aren’t submissive. And those people, no matter how much they might want to submit or try to submit, are just not going to be able to. Hint: I fall into this category. I further think that trying to force, coerce, or otherwise convince these people that they are doing it wrong if they don’t submit first is potentially detrimental to their development as tops/doms/sadists/etc. I know that it can work that way from personal experience. Sometimes trying toys leaves one wondering why the hell anyone would ever want that. That shit hurts! It can even be completely subconscious. I knew several very heavy masochists who clearly adored pain and were happy as clams whenever they were being whipped, cut, kicked, or otherwise hurt. Yet I still ended up having a hard time accepting someone *I* was playing with really wanted me to hurt them. It took me a bit to get over it. I’m well over it now, but I can’t help but wonder if I would have even felt that way at all if I hadn’t tried bottoming. Going simply on my observations of other bottoms, I had naturally concluded that bottoming was a good and desirable thing since the bottoms seemed quite happy about it and came back for more. But my personal experience bottoming really did leave me feeling like nobody really wanted that sort of thing. Yes, I was really projecting. But my point is that not every path is for everyone. That wasn’t my ideal path. Now I know.
I have recently discovered that I was doing the exact same thing with dominance and submission. My attempts at actually submitting were a disaster. I never managed it. I simply wasn’t into doing things unless I wanted to. It was irritating and annoying. I wanted things my way. That experience, even more than bottoming, affected me. It’s taken me years to realize it. But I think it had an even more detrimental effect than bottoming did. That is likely because I just never managed it. But no matter why it was more detrimental, I know that it was. I have been exploring dominance on more of a 24/7 basis for the last year or so. And it amazes me how often I’ve gotten in my own way. My experience left me believing that nobody could really want to give up control or authority to someone else. There has to be another motive, and all I’m doing is creating annoyance and resentment. Eventually it will all blow up in my face, so I’d better not take this very far. Despite having several friends who are submissive and in 24/7 relationships, I just couldn’t parse that anyone would be happy that way. I’m really glad that I’ve got a hold on what has been holding me back. But, once again, I wonder where I might be if I hadn’t followed the one twue way.
Just because some people, most people, or even the vast majority of people believe something is the only way or the right way… well it doesn’t make it true. For years, everyone agreed the world was the center of the universe. Disagreeing could get you killed. It still wasn’t right.