Musings on peace

I got a gentle reminder just when I needed it. Found on a friend’s profile. It’s a quote of something the Dalai Lama said:

“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”

Historically, this has not been an issue for me for the most part. Sure, sometimes some group of people might do something that upset me. But it wasn’t a very strong feeling of being upset. And it usually didn’t last very long. I have always had issues with getting close to people. And my approach to friends and lovers has always been “Easy come, easy go.” I think this is one of the main reasons that I thought I might be a sociopath for a long time.

Then I fell in love. And that was a very scary thing. For the first time, what someone else did or said or thought had a profound effect on me and how I felt. For a control freak, it was unsettling to say the least. For someone who thought they might never feel deeply for anyone, it was a relief. But the loss of control has been the scariest and hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. And it has opened up a host of other issues. Now when things go right, I’m flying in the clouds. But when they go wrong, I hate myself and feel like it’s clearly all my fault. I feel his unhappiness keenly. And, of course, there isn’t much I can do about it. His feelings are his to own. Just as mine are my own. That is also challenging. I want to be perfect for myself already! But now I want to be perfect for him too. Of course, that’s just not possible. But I am now doubly disappointed by my mistakes. I want to be better. And I don’t always know how to make that happen. Then I feel inadequate since I don’t know how to fix what’s been broken. It can get complicated pretty fast!

Ultimately, I realize that I can’t fix the things that might be wrong with him at all. And I only have a half of a role in fixing what might be wrong in our relationship. All I can fix is what I think needs fixing in me. Right now, I have no idea what that might be. Or how to go about fixing what might or might not be going on with me. I do know that I needed that reminder. I can’t let what other people do or say keep me from my calm. It’s there for me whenever I need it.

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