Well today has not been a very good day. I’m frustrated both personally and professionally. The professional side is annoying. But that’s what I get for expecting people to do their jobs instead of loafing and complaining. And I should know by now that upper management can’t be relied upon for any kind of meaningful support. They’re just too far removed from the reality of the daily grind. And if it gets too annoying, I can always step down a notch and let someone else deal with the annoyances. The personal frustrations are not as easily dealt with.
I’m looking at the real possibility of having my husband gone even more than he already is. And this is when we both have agreed that one of the main issues between us is that we simply don’t get enough time together. So that’s not making me happy. I don’t have a second submissive I can put hands on. I have a relationship I’m trying to build with someone hundreds of miles away. I can’t touch or hurt or use him. He can’t cook or clean or do things for me. And on top of that, he can’t seem to remember what it is to submit when there is something else he’d rather do. He doesn’t trust that I will have his best interest in mind apparently. And he doesn’t trust that I am not a fraud of some kind. I can’t think of anything else that makes sense unless he’s not who he says he is. I can’t go any further without trust and commitment to submission. Not the fun play times, but the actual submission. It makes me sad that he doesn’t trust me and won’t give me opportunities to earn his trust. But I can’t make him. He has to want to.
And on top of all that… I was hit in the face with an old relationship today. I wish like hell I could lose that connection. But I can’t seem to do that. I didn’t ask for it. And now I can’t get rid of it. I’m fine until it’s put in front of me again. And I mourn the loss of what might have been. Every. Fucking. Time. I mourn what could have been amazing and challenging and beautiful. If only. It still hurts. I think at this point, it’s likely it will always hurt some. And it’s still shocking to me after almost 3 years how I came to be connected to someone who feels like he should belong to me, but just doesn’t.
Oh well. Nothing I can do about any of it but keep being true to myself and doing what is right for me.