Today has been a bit of a wake-up call. Time to make some changes in how I do things. I have been living a good life for the last few years. I’ve been very lucky. But luck can run out. Times can change. Nothing in the world we inhabit is truly static. I have become accustomed to thinking of myself as more of a ‘unit’ than an ‘individual entity.’ Today I was brutally reminded that we are all essentially responsible for taking care of ourselves. Perhaps someone else might want to or be able to assist, but don’t count on it. All safe harbors are one tsunami or hurricane away from being demolished. Thank you to the United States government for that reminder. I’d rather have it now than after I’ve forgotten how to be me instead of we. I suppose there is always some kind of silver lining. This does seem to be a theme in my life. Each time I believe I have found someone to be a safe harbor for my soul, I’m reminded that I am taking a huge risk to trust that harbor.
In terms of my dominance, I think that I need to get back to basics. What do I want? Does this meet my needs? Am I better or more fulfilled or am I less fulfilled? As I reminded a friend today, we are all allowed our needs and idiosyncrasies. Compromise is all good and well but it had better not be something I’m compromising on with an expectation of reciprocation of any kind. Will I regret it if things don’t come back around to a compromise on something in my favor later? Or ever? If the answer is yes then I believe I need to say no to that compromise. That way my happiness and satisfaction rests completely in my own hands. I will not be dependent on any outside individual’s behavior or participation.
The flip side of that coin is that I must be certain that my partner actually enjoys doing the things I want to do and that make me happy. I think a large part of my current quandary stems from being unsure of that. Then how can I feel like I am an equal participant in the relationship if I believe many unpleasant and undesired sacrifices are being made on the part of my partner? I’m fine with (and would relish) sacrifices made that were pleasant and desired. But feeling like what makes me happy is a burden leaves me feeling like I’m not contributing to the relationship. I think that my husband feels like he’s being taken advantage of because he is making so many unpleasant sacrifices to accommodate my growth as a dominant. That has lead to a most unpleasant afternoon for both of us, and a big reminder to me that it’s really better to maintain my OWN happiness and safety.