Things that remind me of him are still fairly untenable. I am in an odd place where the desire to possess is still there but I have no rights any more. It puts me in a difficult position since I still have that feeling… the feeling where controlling certain aspects of someone else’s life feels right and perfectly natural. But it isn’t something I can do any more since I have voluntarily given up that right to do what feels natural to me. It’s unfortunate that I can’t feel this way more often or with more people. I was discussing that with a submissive friend today. As a dominant person, I can feel like taking over various aspects of various people’s lives is perfectly normal. However, it’s not always the same intensity and it doesn’t always feel natural. With a few people, it’s more of a burning desire and a sense that this is how it’s meant to be. Now that I’ve experienced it, I can tell a difference.
Interestingly, it’s never really worked out that the other person was able to relax into the opposite side of that particular coin. Twice it just hasn’t worked out. But with my husband, well he doesn’t really identify as the kind of person who gives up control anywhere but the bedroom. So while it feels perfectly normal and natural for me to be the one in charge of various parts of his life, he doesn’t seem to feel the same way. He certainly doesn’t like the idea, and never has. It’s a very delicate balance between trying to make sure his wishes on this are respected and not suppressing so much of my dominance that I kill it off. I think, and have thought for a long time, that one of the reasons I’m such a late-bloomer to dominance is my partner. I certainly had a difficult time with dominance in the same way that I initially had a hard time with sadism. It took me a while with the sadism to realize that just because I didn’t like something didn’t mean that others wouldn’t just love it. Since my husband is quite resistant to the concept of submitting (a little odd for someone who does actually identify as submissive, I know), I have had a long and arduous journey growing into my own dominance. I’m still in the process of coming to terms with it. So far, I haven’t had any submissive partners who submit easily. So perhaps that is part of my current journey. Perhaps it’s meant to be a bit of a trial by fire. It certainly has helped me to determine what things are more or less important for me in terms of what it’s important to me to have authority over and what isn’t so important.