This is not a stellar day. I have cramps and I’m feeling tired. My back hurts from the cramps and still recovering from being injured. And on top of that, my long distance relationship isn’t going to work. It’s just not great. I know it was always a long shot. I know that I’ve had the feeling it wasn’t going to happen for the last month and a half. None of that makes it hurt any less. It’s so very rare for me to connect with anyone. When it doesn’t work, it just hurts. In all my years, I’ve only felt connected to another human 3 times. Twice it hasn’t worked out. I know I’m quite lucky that it did work out once. I do know that too. It also doesn’t make it hurt less when it doesn’t work. What it does mean, is that I’m lucky enough to have someone to give me a hug and listen to me when I’m ready to talk. Of course, in my particular case, it also means that I will get to hear “I told you so” repeatedly. That’s what it is when you love someone. You take the good with the bad!
I hope I won’t become jaded. I’m afraid of that though. I am afraid because I feel like I’m headed in that direction and that every time something doesn’t work takes me one step further. I used to be quite optimistic, but now I’m not as optimistic as I used to be. I feel the desire to just give up and go with the harem idea. I certainly don’t lack for people who want to serve me or play with me. Those offers, though some are flimsy and wouldn’t pan out either, are continuous if not overwhelming. However, I also get offers when I do get to go out in public. I never wanted a harem. I wanted 2 men that I had a deep connection with to serve me. But I need things. I need physical access. I need to hurt the ones I love. I need to put my hands on them. After last weekend, it’s so very clear to me how much I need it. I wish I didn’t sometimes. But I do. Playtime with him changes everything about me for the better. I’m happier and my outlook on life is better. I feel connected with humanity again. And that is a big deal for me. Most of the time I feel very disconnected and like I exist but it’s just a superficial connection to the rest of humanity other than my husband. But after I hurt him, I feel connected to the rest of the world again. I feel happy. I feel positive. I feel like a part of me that was hungry or even starving has been sated. I have energy again. I need it. I need it like I need air or food or water.
And the long distance submissive can’t give that to me. It hurts. I can get it. Sure. I have it from my husband. Sure. However, there is a reason I have been seeking a second submissive for 3 years. My need outstrips his ability to take what I give him. He wants to. But bodies have their limitations. And I’m a sadist. I need this. I want it from someone I have a deep connection with. Someone I care about. But maybe I can fill my cup enough if I play with enough people. As long as I don’t play with them often, I won’t develop a sense of ownership that won’t serve anyone in the long run. Who knows? Maybe someone will enter the scene here who pushes my “yes” button. However, it’s been 3 years and there has been exactly one person who turned my head. So I’m not holding my breath.