It’s amazing to me how different subs and doms think. It’s just a very foreign thought process. I love being able to delve into it with different subs. I really like it because I have limited experience dominating compared to being sadistic. I have topped and put the hurt on a myriad of people over the years. However, I have only been able to explore dominance (outside the context of a scene) with a handful of people. And my primary relationship is with someone who basically identifies as a bedroom only submissive. I believe that is a bit of a misnomer. He does submit in ways that are outside the bedroom or a scene. But it’s not like dealing with someone who is just willing to cede authority in general or even on agreed-upon things. It’s like a battle to get authority over things. And it can take years. His thought process isn’t what I think of when I think “submissive.” Perhaps it’s just his thought process is a lot slower. Maybe it’s something within himself that he fights. I don’t know. But I do know I want to explore with someone for whom it’s not a fight. And I don’t want someone who isn’t moved to submit to me. I have had it before, so I know what it can look like. And for that I’m quite thankful. I didn’t really appreciate the freedom I had when I had it. I think that partially, it was so foreign to me that I simply didn’t know what to do with it. But now I do have a bit more of a clue. I am clearer on what I want and who I want it from. I don’t think I can get it from my husband. Sad. Because I would love to have it from him. But he either can’t or won’t go there.
I’ve found 2 other people from whom I’d like that kind of relationship and submission. The first time I didn’t know what to do and I just wasn’t myself enough to do anything about it even if I’d known exactly what I’d wanted. Now I seem to have found it again. And I’m not sure that it’s going to work either. But at least I have been able to explore asking for what I want and redefining myself. I’m getting there. And talking to others about their dynamic is helpful to me. I can see the possibilities. I can see how other men are capable of giving trust and submission and it isn’t a fight. I can see how men can question and suggest while still submitting. And some men even seem to be on the opposite side of my dominance coin. They want exactly what I want to offer. I know it’s out there. I’ve seen it.