There he was like a sudden lightning strike on my friends page. He became friends with one of my other friends. I felt the shock like I’d accidentally touched the end of a violet wand. I haven’t seen him in such a long time but it still hurt me. I was so sad. Momentarily mourning again all the things that should have been but weren’t. Feeling the connection that I had shoved to the back of my mind. I clicked. I saw him now. And then I was not so much sad and mourning as I was… really angry.
There he was in the latex I could never get him to buy. That he wanted me to buy for him. Lots of it. That he never would buy for me. That he couldn’t wear because he couldn’t get any. It was just impossible. Couldn’t happen. There he was getting out in the local kink community. That he would never do for me. I could barely even get him to go out to dinner with me. Let’s not even think about going out to a kink event together. His kink life was private. PRIVATE. And all things related to kink were to be kept firmly behind closed doors and never exposed to the light of day or the rest of his life.
I was hurt and sad and really pissed off. Fuck you j. Fuck you for all the lies. Mountains of them. Fuck you for all the times you told me you had work to do and it was just an excuse to do something else instead. Fuck you for telling me you had a job when you didn’t. I based so many decisions on your lies trying to work around a nonexistent schedule. Fuck you for expecting me to give and give and give when you didn’t want to give back. Fuck you for trying to get me to be your sugar mama. Fuck you for being ashamed of me. It’s clear to me now that you were. And fuck me for ever giving you a second chance. Fuck me for allowing myself to ever form a connection to a pretty little liar. Because now I can’t get rid of it. And fuck me for not seeing right through you.
But I know this will pass. My anger is like a tornado. It comes on suddenly and is gone just as suddenly. All the same, I hope I never run into him out in the local scene. I don’t want to have to deal with these reactions around anyone else. I don’t get angry very often, but when I do I have no filter.