Decisions, decisions

I am at a bit of a crossroads on a personal level. Last night I was discussing changes in our bodies. I’m not 18 any more. Things are changing in how my body works. I hate it, but it’s fairly inevitable. I used to be very muscular and flexible. I danced almost all my life. I had a few years where other things took precedence. But when I was younger, I never lost my muscle tone. That just isn’t happening any more.

It’s been about 5 years since I quit dancing. I did gain a whole lot of weight in the first year after I quit. Going from 4-5 hours of exercise daily (dance is great exercise!) made a huge difference in my life. However, I still had my layers of muscle under my layers of fat. I was still strong and flexible. I was just a larger strong and flexible woman. In the last year or so, all my flexibility and muscle tone has faded away. I haven’t gained any weight. My measurements are the same. I have not changed dress size. But I look different. And I can’t do what I used to be able to do.

I am really struggling with this. I’m struggling with it way more than I struggled with the weight gain. I have accepted that I am never going to be 18 again. I will never have the recovery time or the facility with my body that I did at that age. But the way my body looks and functions right now, today… is not making me happy. It’s making me frustrated and a little depressed. I find I can’t flog for hours without dripping in sweat. I can’t go to a dance club and spend an hour on the dance floor. Some days I can’t even touch my toes.

The problem is that I completely despise “working out.” I hate going to the gym with a burning passion. I find it tedious and boring. No amount of reading on the bike or listening to music on the eliptical machine makes it more palatable. I hate it. And on top of that, my schedule is odd enough that many gyms & classes are out of the question. I’m not off work in time to get home, let the dog out, feed the dog, let the dog out again, and get to any place before it’s closed. I thought I’d try a zumba class since that seems like it might actually be fun. Unfortunately, I can’t find one that even starts after I get off work.

Between my atypical work schedule and my loathing for working out, I’m not finding it likely that my body is going to undergo any significant positive changes. That is also a but frustrating. I have exercise videos at home, but I hate them too. So I don’t do them. I have a Wii. I like a few of the games, but that doesn’t seem to be enough to make a difference in my ageing body. I need to do more if I want to regain my muscles and flexibility. But the hatred of “working out” is really not helping me.

So now I have to choose:

Do nothing different and accept that my body is going to keep getting stiffer and flabbier.

Change my work schedule and start over building a clientele (for the third time) so I might be able to find some classes I would enjoy enough to attend regularly.

Figure out how to motivate myself to do something that I completely despise.


None of these seem like very good choices. But I feel that if I haven’t been able to accept this new state of being after about a year, I probably won’t ever be able to accept it. That means increasing depression and frustration. Not something I really want to deal with.


One response to “Decisions, decisions

  1. Pingback: More ruminations | anonymouskinky

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