Monthly Archives: July 2013

Normal & effort

In talking to some friends over the weekend, I realized how expectations are formed around what I think of as “normal.” Sounds very reasonable. Sounds good. Sounds like something everyone would do. And my guess is everyone does. The problem is that “normal” is really quite subjective. There are very few things that everyone expects out of others. Usually along the lines of the 10 commandments… but other than not murdering, stealing, or cutting in line at Starbucks, it’s all relative to our own life experiences and how we have processed that information.

So what has become totally normalized to me, may well be completely abnormal to someone else. I mean it could vary really widely! The difference can also be pretty catastrophic to my relationships if I am not careful. I have a certain set of expectations out of people I become close to. Specifically, I have certain expectations out of my submissive(s). A lot of the things I have come to expect really seem like no-brainers to me. But the discussion over the weekend reminded me that “normal” is relative. And if that’s true, I shouldn’t assume that someone isn’t making a pretty herculean effort in my direction. (Also, I shouldn’t assume something that seems herculean to me is any effort at all to them.)

Effort is important to me. I require it from anyone I’m in D/s relationship with. If I don’t feel like someone is making an effort for me, I tend to not feel like we’re in much of a relationship. Be it right, wrong, or indifferent… that is how it goes with me. The bigger the effort, the more special I feel. It makes me feel more dominant when I ask for something that I feel requires effort and he comes through for me. Now I realize that I need to also take into consideration what he feels requires effort. And on top of that, I won’t necessarily know when he is making an effort unless he volunteers that information or I ask for it.

I asked the raven a few questions last week. Turns out that something I considered to be completely normal and not requiring effort was something completely new for him. He’d never actually done it before. On top of that, he gave me photographic evidence. That’s another thing that seems quite normal to me but is a big effort for him. That knowledge left me feeling he really must be into me and into our relationship to make this kind of effort for me. And the husband is making a much better effort to keep me informed of all his comings and goings. I am alone with my thoughts this week, and I want to spend my time appreciating the men in my life and the effort they make for me.

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Vacation redux

I have so much to write about. It’s hard to focus on just one thing. So I won’t!

I was on vacation last week. It was ok, but not enough actual relaxing. In order to facilitate being with my husband and family, I did a lot of running around. And a lot of being a tourist. I want to take a vacation without the rest of the family. Then I can be pretty sure there will be much more relaxing going on. And I want to go somewhere outside my home state. It’s been too long since I went somewhere that was a plane ride away instead of a car ride. Of course, in order to make that happen, I need a dog-sitter who can come stay at the house. I have my eye on a nice young man. He could stand to get out of his own house. So perhaps it might actually work!

On vacation, there was no sex. None. Zero. Not what I was expecting. I wasn’t expecting us to swim on the beach in latex catsuits then have wild bondage sex with him hanging from the rafters. But I was really hoping for … something. There was barely even any hand holding or pets. It didn’t do a lot to increase my intimacy with the husband. When we got home, similar lack of sex. This is a problem.

But anonymous, you say, you’re the dominant so just take it if you want it! But it doesn’t really work that way for us. First, I really can’t get into pity sex or duty sex. If he’s just doing it because he has to, it’s a massive turn-OFF for me. And more often than not over the last year, he is not in the mood. During a scene, I can be pretty sure that he will be in the mood. It’s not 100%, but it’s probably about a 90% sure thing. When we’re not in an actual scene, reverse those numbers. I do understand that we’re not much for vanilla sex. It isn’t my choice either. But I’m perfectly happy (and turned on) by giving a spanking as foreplay or just telling him to hold still while I sit on his face and tease him as a prelude to penis in vagina. That doesn’t seem to work for him. And he’s not really helping much in figuring out what does work.

Touch is my primary love language. For me, that means sex is included. That is touch. I need it in order to feel loved. I also tend to be very physically affectionate. Shocking for someone with touch as the primary love language, right? My husband doesn’t seem to like it very much. In addition to not being in the mood for sex often, he also doesn’t seem to appreciate when I come up behind him for a squeeze and a nibble. At least he loves pets and rubs, otherwise it wouldn’t work at all. But I am craving cock. I really am.

I do have a theory about us. I think that touch doesn’t figure into his love languages very highly. In addition to that, I think that because it’s so high for me and (presumably) so low for him… and our schedules mean I don’t see him very often… I end up way overstepping his ability to receive touch because I’m basically attempting to make up for lost time. So I’m all over him trying to get my need for touch met when I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks. And he’s feeling smothered and wants me to get off of him. In addition to that, he may be interpreting my rubs, pets, nibbles, squeezes, nuzzles, and grabs as an attempt to seduce him. In all fairness, he’s sometimes right about that. Sometimes his skin feels so good under my hands that I just want to attack him, throw him down, and have my way with him!

Too bad not just any old cock will do. That could probably be arranged almost any time if I weren’t so particular. But there are only two cocks I’m interested in. One is hundreds of miles away. The one here doesn’t seem to be interested very often.

In search of…

I was talking to a friend of mine about our various bdsm partner issues. She keeps attracting submissives who aren’t necessarily masochistic. I keep attracting masochists who aren’t necessarily submissive. Between the two of us if we could combine the guys we are meeting into one person, it would be perfect! Well, perhaps not perfect but at least more likely to turn out well. I’m still hopeful that the raven will pay me a visit. But time drags on and I begin to be impatient. And though he is (as is the husband) really trying to give me what I am looking for in the D/s department, there are things I know could take a long while for him to get past. And he might never get past them.

I’m most concerned with the privacy issues. I like playing in public venues. I like taking pictures and posting them on kinky websites. Right now that is completely out of the question. I’m not sure if it’s due to his being just a very cautiously private person. Or, as my brain keeps insisting, he’s otherwise spoken-for and his privacy issues stem from that. Ultimately it doesn’t much matter. Either one is going to be a problem for me.

Right now if I had to post a classified ad, it would go something like this:

ISO fit, young, pretty boy, doormat. Must be a heavy masochist. Must like older chunky women. Must be open to interaction with other men. Must love dogs.

D/s =/= S/m

I think some minimal common definition of terms is a good thing. It is more a place to start a conversation than something written in stone, but I think some kind of minimal mutual understanding of what things means is really important.

I asked the husband this morning why he thought I was a good dominant. (He has indicated in the past that he does think I’m a good dominant.)

He said that one reason is that I know what I’m doing and I am not going to injure anyone. To me, this indicated that he thinks I’m a good sadist or good top. It has nothing at all to do with being a good dominant. It also indicated to me that he might think bottoming or masochism is the same thing as submission to him. Whereas to me it is very much NOT the same thing. I have a lot of confidence as a sadist/top. I have been doing it for years and I don’t struggle with it any more. When I pointed out that I was looking for things not having to do with bdsm scenes or play times, his response was something along the lines of…

“Well you are still learning.”

That doesn’t fill me with confidence that he thinks I’m a good dom. It doesn’t give me confidence he and I are on the same page about D/s. And it really doesn’t give me confidence that he enjoys submission. He doesn’t frame much as actual submission to me. I know he views most of what I have actually gotten him to agree to more as “being a loving husband” than “being a submissive.”

I also think that is possibly a large reason why I don’t always feel like I’m much of a dominant or that he is my submissive. In the same way that a husband attempting to serve his vanilla wife might not get the same pleasure and satisfaction out of it as if he were serving a dominant, I don’t think I am getting the pleasure and satisfaction out of this. It really explains why I have had this sense of vague dissatisfaction and apathy at times.

We just have to keep going and I will continue to force him to think and define himself as I define myself. Hopefully our definitions can meet on the same page.

Dreams and expectations

I see your window pop up when I start my chat program. You’re not on yet, but it still makes me smile that I see your “Good night” message staring back at me. I want you. I want to know everything inside your head. I want to know every inch of your body, even the soles of your feet. I never expected or wanted to get so close to you. Some days I wish I didn’t feel like I do. But I do feel this way. I hope. I hope a lot. I daydream about the possibilities. Even if we never meet, you will continue to be a part of me if only in my head. You can make me laugh and smile. That is not an easy thing to do. I want you. I’m simultaneously really happy and excited, and really dubious that this will ever come to fruition. But I’m going to let my expectation of how it has to be go. Whatever happens in the future, I have the smile on my face when I look at what you’ve done for me and when I see the words you typed on a screen last night pop up today.

It’s not always latex and roses

It’s been a rough couple of days. I have been really happy over the past 2 weeks with the raven. He is getting much better at doing the things I ask of him. That has certainly been the highlight of the week. The past 2 weeks really. I have asked a few things that I thought would be hard. And they were. But I’m really glad that I asked and that he put forth the effort to give me what I wanted. The more he complies and obeys, the more I become invested in him. But that has its own challenge that has been hitting me hard over the last few days. I really want him here. And he isn’t. It’s been a year. And there is still no visit in sight. I also still can’t get his address. After a year, I just don’t understand the reluctance. I understand cautious approaches to strangers on the internet. But after a year and being very understanding and supportive of him and his privacy issues, I would think that I have proved that I’m not a psycho or a stalker or someone who can’t be trusted. Of course, the obvious answer is that he lives with someone that he doesn’t want to know about me. For the past few days, my brain won’t shut up about this.

Then there is the husband. Forming new friendships and helping to start a female dom and male sub group has brought up a few issues for me. Since he has been promoted at work and been put in more of a leadership position, his desire not to be led himself has really transitioned into him trying to lead me. And while I certainly don’t have to be the leader all the time in everything I do, I don’t like him being in the lead in (or trying to lead) our relationship. Making that even worse is that I’ve been at a low point mentally and physically. I think my hypothyroidism is rearing its ugly head. I feel very tired all the time and unmotivated. It’s gotten so bad over the last few days that I feel myself slipping into a state of apathy. That makes it even harder on being in a female led relationship. Apathy certainly encourages him to try to take the lead since I don’t much seem to care.

The truth is that I do care even though I can’t quite seem to get myself motivated right now. He’s been gone so much this year that I think he’s used to leading people and I’m not used to leading him. I’m used to leading others right now. So he’s bringing work home and I’m not much feeling like his dominant any more. I feel like the raven’s dominant. I even feel dominant towards one or two of my friends who are just naturally compliant with me. It’s a rough situation to be in. The one person I don’t feel dominant over is wearing my collar.

And even worse than that, my new friendship started a bit of a ruckus between us because she wanted to do a forced bi scene with the 4 of us all playing together. He was enthusiastic and I, of course, was not. This isn’t the first time this situation has come up. So in the spirit of asking for what I want, I asked what was going on with that! We did have quite a conversation about it. I think we both have a better understanding of where the other person is coming from. And I have, hopefully, convinced him that I’m not an idiot and can tell when he is bullshitting me about something. Even more importantly, I have hopefully convinced him that if he would just tell me about his desires and needs in the first place, a whole lot of frustration and misunderstandings will be avoided.

And on that note, he did mention that there are a few things that he wants but that aren’t needs that he knows will never happen. This is both ok and not ok. I would love to meet his needs and even his desires. While it’s good that whatever he wants isn’t such a big deal that he can’t do without it… now I am hoping it never becomes an actual need. I’m all too familiar with the fact that needs change. And my hard limits are extremely few. And every single one of them is basically a deal breaker for the relationship. Best case scenario is that he has decided he is bicurious after all and really wants to explore that. At least having a second male submissive would potentially make that possible. Otherwise we are either talking about dead things (not happening), kids (really REALLY not happening), animals (please see above), or him playing with/fucking someone else. And honestly, I can’t see it being anything but the last one.