It’s been a rough couple of days. I have been really happy over the past 2 weeks with the raven. He is getting much better at doing the things I ask of him. That has certainly been the highlight of the week. The past 2 weeks really. I have asked a few things that I thought would be hard. And they were. But I’m really glad that I asked and that he put forth the effort to give me what I wanted. The more he complies and obeys, the more I become invested in him. But that has its own challenge that has been hitting me hard over the last few days. I really want him here. And he isn’t. It’s been a year. And there is still no visit in sight. I also still can’t get his address. After a year, I just don’t understand the reluctance. I understand cautious approaches to strangers on the internet. But after a year and being very understanding and supportive of him and his privacy issues, I would think that I have proved that I’m not a psycho or a stalker or someone who can’t be trusted. Of course, the obvious answer is that he lives with someone that he doesn’t want to know about me. For the past few days, my brain won’t shut up about this.
Then there is the husband. Forming new friendships and helping to start a female dom and male sub group has brought up a few issues for me. Since he has been promoted at work and been put in more of a leadership position, his desire not to be led himself has really transitioned into him trying to lead me. And while I certainly don’t have to be the leader all the time in everything I do, I don’t like him being in the lead in (or trying to lead) our relationship. Making that even worse is that I’ve been at a low point mentally and physically. I think my hypothyroidism is rearing its ugly head. I feel very tired all the time and unmotivated. It’s gotten so bad over the last few days that I feel myself slipping into a state of apathy. That makes it even harder on being in a female led relationship. Apathy certainly encourages him to try to take the lead since I don’t much seem to care.
The truth is that I do care even though I can’t quite seem to get myself motivated right now. He’s been gone so much this year that I think he’s used to leading people and I’m not used to leading him. I’m used to leading others right now. So he’s bringing work home and I’m not much feeling like his dominant any more. I feel like the raven’s dominant. I even feel dominant towards one or two of my friends who are just naturally compliant with me. It’s a rough situation to be in. The one person I don’t feel dominant over is wearing my collar.
And even worse than that, my new friendship started a bit of a ruckus between us because she wanted to do a forced bi scene with the 4 of us all playing together. He was enthusiastic and I, of course, was not. This isn’t the first time this situation has come up. So in the spirit of asking for what I want, I asked what was going on with that! We did have quite a conversation about it. I think we both have a better understanding of where the other person is coming from. And I have, hopefully, convinced him that I’m not an idiot and can tell when he is bullshitting me about something. Even more importantly, I have hopefully convinced him that if he would just tell me about his desires and needs in the first place, a whole lot of frustration and misunderstandings will be avoided.
And on that note, he did mention that there are a few things that he wants but that aren’t needs that he knows will never happen. This is both ok and not ok. I would love to meet his needs and even his desires. While it’s good that whatever he wants isn’t such a big deal that he can’t do without it… now I am hoping it never becomes an actual need. I’m all too familiar with the fact that needs change. And my hard limits are extremely few. And every single one of them is basically a deal breaker for the relationship. Best case scenario is that he has decided he is bicurious after all and really wants to explore that. At least having a second male submissive would potentially make that possible. Otherwise we are either talking about dead things (not happening), kids (really REALLY not happening), animals (please see above), or him playing with/fucking someone else. And honestly, I can’t see it being anything but the last one.