D/s =/= S/m

I think some minimal common definition of terms is a good thing. It is more a place to start a conversation than something written in stone, but I think some kind of minimal mutual understanding of what things means is really important.

I asked the husband this morning why he thought I was a good dominant. (He has indicated in the past that he does think I’m a good dominant.)

He said that one reason is that I know what I’m doing and I am not going to injure anyone. To me, this indicated that he thinks I’m a good sadist or good top. It has nothing at all to do with being a good dominant. It also indicated to me that he might think bottoming or masochism is the same thing as submission to him. Whereas to me it is very much NOT the same thing. I have a lot of confidence as a sadist/top. I have been doing it for years and I don’t struggle with it any more. When I pointed out that I was looking for things not having to do with bdsm scenes or play times, his response was something along the lines of…

“Well you are still learning.”

That doesn’t fill me with confidence that he thinks I’m a good dom. It doesn’t give me confidence he and I are on the same page about D/s. And it really doesn’t give me confidence that he enjoys submission. He doesn’t frame much as actual submission to me. I know he views most of what I have actually gotten him to agree to more as “being a loving husband” than “being a submissive.”

I also think that is possibly a large reason why I don’t always feel like I’m much of a dominant or that he is my submissive. In the same way that a husband attempting to serve his vanilla wife might not get the same pleasure and satisfaction out of it as if he were serving a dominant, I don’t think I am getting the pleasure and satisfaction out of this. It really explains why I have had this sense of vague dissatisfaction and apathy at times.

We just have to keep going and I will continue to force him to think and define himself as I define myself. Hopefully our definitions can meet on the same page.


3 responses to “D/s =/= S/m

  1. After reading this post I ready had to think….”Would I want to ask if I’m a good dominant?”, and if I did, would I be ok with the answer? I really don’t know! And now I’m so surprised that I don’t know this about myself. It truly is a road to self discovery for me, which isn’t a bad thing at all.
    There is never labels like dom/sub, because we know they are interchangeable with us. He looks at my dominance toward him as being a loving wife, and his willingness (because we all have a choice), to give me authority, makes him a loving husband. It’s truly a give and take all the time.
    Now I have more to figure out with this topic. Great post!

    • And my apologies, my auto word correction with my responses, is being a major ASS.

    • Thanks! The Husband and I had that discussion several years ago. He wanted to do “submissive things” because he was a loving husband. But that also meant that I wasn’t able to actively assert my dominance. Because it wasn’t negotiated as part of our D/s relationship, he could always just not do something I wanted him to do. (Or do something I didn’t want him to do.) It also meant that he could “be submissive” by… doing things I had no interest in his doing or not doing at all. Because they were “nice” things a “good husband” (and therefore a “good submissive”) would do. But that totally took away my agency as a dominant. I could not expect (and that is an important distinction to me) him to do things I asked. Because he might well be doing something he felt was more important or a better use of his time than what I actually wanted him to do. Of course… ymmv.

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