I have so much on my mind today. I am not sure how coherent I can manage to be.
I think perhaps most of this has to do with growing. Growing in experiences and what they teach me. Growing older. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago. Not even close. In some ways I am a much better person. I learned how to love. That’s huge. I learned how not to be a selfish bitch. I learned how to express what I need. Hell… I learned what it is that I need. That’s also huge. But I have also learned not to trust. The thing about learning how to open up enough to care about other people means they can hurt you. Generally I handle emotional and mental pain very well. I have dealt with it so well I don’t think I realized how it was deteriorating my trust in people. It permeates my whole life. I used to be slightly innocent. Probably too innocent. But I think those days are long gone. Now I’m a strange blend of jaded with massive trust issues and still some naivety. I feel like trying to be in just one romantic/serious relationship right now is pretty ambitious for me. Two might be completely out. I hadn’t realized it had gotten this bad. But I think it has. I feel damaged. I don’t like being unable to trust. And apparently my attempts to fix it have just made it worse.
Also, I can apparently compartmentalize incredibly well. So well I can completely put away something in the back of my mind that would likely make another person positively livid… and just carry on. I’m not sure it’s a good thing. Right now I’d very much like to just compartmentalize away my ability to care about anything or anyone. I’d like to be able to just put it on the back burner and leave it there until I work through my trust issues and learn a better vetting process for the people I’m in relationships with. I am so very tired of being lied to. How can I possibly fix my trust issues when I’m surrounded by so many lies. It’s bad enough being lied to by politics and popular media. I don’t particularly trust people to turn just because their turn signal is on. I don’t trust people to stop at stop signs. I don’t believe the husband any more when it comes to whether or not he’s doing things he’s not supposed to be doing. I have to lie when someone at work asks me what I did last weekend. I hate it. That is what my life has taught me. You can’t trust anyone because everyone lies. That is what I have learned. That is how I have grown.
I have no safe harbor for my trust to find a home in when my whole life is full of lies.
Also, a very handsome young man hit on me at the gym. I remember once I would have found it annoying. Now I don’t. I was flattered even though it was still slightly awkward. I’m sure it was just a awkward for him learning how old I am and that I’m married in addition to the fact that I am absolutely terrible at flirting. But I wish I could go back and thank him. Thank you for reminding me that though the husband thinks I’m much too old to attract anyone not older than I am… that’s just not true. Thank you for hitting on me and then coming back and trying to get my number even though I was sweaty and had no makeup on. Thank you for thinking I was still hot in my natural state. No makeup. No high heels. No latex. Nothing. Thank you so much very handsome young man at the gym. You came along right when I needed it.