Monthly Archives: September 2013

Random musings

I’m way too old to be a bohemian any more. Though I’m not sure I’ve ever been good at being a starving artist. I really like my creature comforts and I really don’t like financial instability.

The husband is making an effort in my direction. I do hope it’s a genuine effort and not because he feels bad about fucking things up in the past. Learning from mistakes is good. Trying to bribe me is not.

I am not very inspired towards kink or sex right now. The things I do want to do, I can’t do. I think the general frustration has finally been catching up to me.

The other night was one of those nights where I liked what I saw so much that I just had to have it right now. So I did. I like them, I just wish there were more of them.

I will miss my dog when he’s gone. I wonder how much time I have left with him. He’s getting old, though he doesn’t act like it.

I’m dying to buy some sexy lingerie for my menfolk. One doesn’t particularly care for it, which takes some of the enjoyment out of it for me. The one that does, I can’t get it to him or ask him to buy it for himself.

We always seem to have at least one piece of kink equipment missing at any given time. Right now it’s one of the collars. It’s usually one of the quick release clips.

Someone online recently suggested that any relationship that the dom and sub view each other as having equal value is only role-playing D/s. In addition, this person believes that there are people who are inherently of more value than others. I think that’s unmitigated bullshit. All of it. And it’s just one more example of someone who doesn’t actually respect submissives or submission, yet claims to want a relationship with one.

The house was clean for about a day after the party. Now, a week later, it’s a mess again. How can it get so messy so fast? I hate cleaning. I believe I’ve mentioned how I wish I could do casual things better.

Wherein I completely lost my shit

I completely lost my shit the other night. Lost it. Full on dramatic, wailing, whinging mess. I’m mostly over it now, but I’m sure I’ll be dealing with the aftermath for a while. I feel like a weight has been lifted though. So I can’t be to upset that I lost my shit.

I’ve been hanging around a whole lot of people in TPE relationships lately. I don’t need one of those. I don’t have one of those. Not even close. The husband and I are fairly egalitarian. He has his life and his responsibilities. I have mine. For the most part, I have little say in the day to day minutia of his life. We do have a few over-arching rules that apply 24/7. He certainly takes my desires into consideration on the big things. But I don’t have final say on things. There have been times I wished I had. But for the most part, it’s fine for me. Sure it’s complicated and I have to keep track of what’s in the dynamic and what’s out. I have to balance my need for authority with his need for autonomy. I have to balance my need for inflicting pain with his ability to recover from it (as well as his work schedule since sometimes people see him partly undressed). Sometimes he’s in the mood to submit or play and sometimes his mood is such that even a hint of D/s or pain is going to do nothing but piss him off. All of that is my job to have a care for. It’s a lot. It’s complicated. It’s what I signed up for (for the most part) when I collared him. I am (for the most part) what he signed up for when he accepted my collar.

But sometimes I envy the relative simplicity of the TPE relationships my friends have. They aren’t without issues. They aren’t without complication. But they are much MUCH simpler than what I have. And sometimes things just pile up and I lose my shit.

I frequently lose my shit about a recurring theme. Getting what I want. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. Realistically speaking, that is just how life works. I don’t know of anyone who gets everything they want all the time. However, I tend to feel it more keenly sometimes than other times. This has been one of those times. I sometimes feel that my willingness to compromise and my desire to make sure that my lovers needs are met leaves me with the short end of the stick. In relation to my former second submissive, the husband once said to me:

If you are not getting your needs met by him, it’s your own fault. You’re the dom. Just tell him to do it or tell him to leave.

Yes, I’m the dom. So of course everyone is my responsibility. It’s fine if he wants to say rude things to me like I’m too old to be able to attract younger men. It’s fine for him to throw a hissy fit about something. It’s fine for him to tell me that if I’m not getting what I want to just kick the guy to the curb. Because, you know, I’m the dom. So I should be able to just take it. But if I did that, if I kicked to the curb anyone who didn’t meet all my needs, I wouldn’t have him in my life either. If I never compromised or ignored something I wanted, he would have left or I would have dumped him years ago. Sometimes I feel that is a part of my personality which is amazing and horrible. Amazing because it makes me very good at finding solutions that work pretty well for all parties involved. Amazing because it means I can be loyal even when we disagree. Amazing because it means that I can model compassion. But horrible when it’s not appreciated. Horrible when it leads people to believe they can just walk all over me. And horrible because I feel that sometimes… sometimes… sometimes it means they can walk all over me.

So sometimes I don’t get what I want. Sometimes I don’t get what I need. Is it my own damn fault? Yes. He’s right. It is. Because I choose to stay and compromise and use every last scrap of my emotional intelligence and self control to keep all our collective relationship shit together. Sometimes it feels like my own husband, my own collared submissive does not believe in me as a dom. That doesn’t feel very good. Maybe I am a good dom and maybe I’m not. Maybe he’s full of shit and maybe I’m prone to overthinking things. I don’t know.

What I do know is that sometimes I don’t get what I want. Not because I’m a rubbish dom. But because I want to be a decent fucking human being who doesn’t run over people like a bulldozer in search of my own desires to the exclusion of all else. Because I firmly believe that if I got rid of everyone in my life that wasn’t able to meet all my needs, there would be nobody left. Because we’re all just people. Imperfect, sometimes assholes, sometimes brilliant, sometimes unsure, people.

And thank you to the raven for appreciating that I’m a person first. And knowing that doesn’t mean I’m not also a dominant. And for letting me lose my shit without judgment.

This is my life, I need more crops

We played. When he got up, I told him to lock his cock up. He didn’t want to, but I insisted. So he relented and did it. I think he was surprised that I tracked down all the keys. Usually I leave him one. I could tell he was slightly distressed, but I didn’t let that deter me. I took the keys. I couldn’t find one of them. But I decided to trust that he didn’t know where it was either. All the same, I think I will get some new locks and keep them all to myself. He loses keys sometimes. Or hides them. Hard to say. Moving on.

He was working around the house until I got home. He said it was occasionally annoying but not too bad. After I got home, I laid out some clothes, cuffs, a collar, and a hood for him to change into. He needed to take a bath, so I let him unlock for that. He took advantage of my generosity by taking it off while running the bath water… and then decided to cook some dinner also unlocked… and bathed… finally. But I remembered that later on. He locked back up again and began cleaning the house while I chatted online with the raven. The raven and I ended up doing some very hot online play and the husband had to listen to me getting off with the raven.

After I got offline, I grabbed the husband and chained him face down bent over the end of the bed. I pulled his pants down and took a crop to his ass. I wasn’t easy on him. He had taken way too long being unlocked before he took his bath. So I decided on minimal warm up and I pushed him past pleasure and into pain a few times. It excited me quite a bit to see him suffering and trying to take what I was dishing out. He did. His ass was red from the crop and my favorite leather flogger. It was warm to the touch. That excited me as well. I put him on his knees on the bed and continued to crop his ass. He was very good about trying to stay still. Until I took the crop to his balls. That got him wiggling and pulling away as far as he could get still being chained down.

Eventually I decided to unlock him and tease. A different kind of pleasure and pain. I flipped him on his back and brought him to the edge about 4 times over the course of a few hours. He was begging to cum, and begging to be locked back up again. Begging to stay locked up all night. Begging for me to let him lick my pussy. Begging for anything and everything. Very hot. Eventually I forced him to cum. He was begging me to stay locked up and begging not to be allowed to cum. But I knew from the beginning I was going to make him.

The next day, I felt… taller. I felt stronger. I felt more relaxed as I moved through my day. Hurting people really does wonderful things for me. I should do it more often.

The winds, the are a’blowing

It’s been a whirlwind few weeks. Insomnia and trying to work through some of my own issues. Then both the husband and the raven are having some personal growth. And it’s been a bit painful for them. And for me.

I’m pretty sure the husband’s issues are what prompted my two weeks of insomnia as I was trying to figure out how I was going to handle dealing with the fallout from how his issues affect me and us as a couple. Ultimately, I will be fine. Hopefully we will be fine as a couple too. I do love him and I would like him to continue to be in my life. I think that as long as he keeps working on the issues, it will be just fine. Sometimes I am impatient, and want more progress. But I can wait. It hasn’t changed me so much that I don’t like who I am. Though it certainly has changed me. It also has reminded me that I’m a very strong person. So that is certainly a great silver lining to all the challenges. Sometimes it’s nice to get that little reminder.

A new thing though, the raven has opened up to me some. So I feel very positive about that. It certainly adds to my stress in some ways. Of course I don’t like it when people I care about are down. But I can’t help feeling a bit more positive about us. Plus I’m a little less stressed out. My trust issues still shout at me from time to time. But some things are starting to make more sense now that I know a little bit more about him. That makes it easier on me. It makes it easier to hang in there. It makes me hopeful for him as a person too. I hope he can see what I see. Though I also fear that might mean he won’t want to be a “secondary” partner once he believes he deserves to be someone’s number one. I think that would be worth the cost to me personally. Of course, it’s a lot easier for me to say that since I haven’t met him in the flesh yet. Touch is the most bonding experience for me, and we don’t have that yet. I still want it, even knowing it might not be a permanent situation.

All in all. I’m so excited for all 3 of us. I feel lots of change in the air. It’s exciting.

Sleep, finally

I suffered from horrible insomnia for a few weeks. This week, all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I have some odd circadian rhythm based bipolar disorder. I’m hoping that after catching up on some sleep, I will be able to go back to normal (for me) sleep patterns. In the meantime, it’s been a week full of navel-gazing and personal growth… just not for me! It’s probably another reason why I want to do nothing but sleep. After being the single-handed support system for two people I care about, I am a bit exhausted.

I’m happy to be exhausted though. I’m happy to be getting some sleep. I’m also happy to be seeing some serious potential for growth in the husband and the raven. I want to help them both if I can. I’m not sure I can. But I’m going to try.

With the husband, we have been down this path before a few times. It’s not a new issue. But I’ve decided to try my best to react differently this time around. Clearly, what I was doing before was not that helpful. So it would probably serve me better to try something different. Also, the husband seems to be much more amenable to staying on his meds this time. He’s been so conditioned by his family and his work to eschew meds. I’m glad he is making an effort to do this. The information I’ve read suggest it will help quite a bit. So that is exciting! I don’t like having to blow my top every few months. Not a fun pattern. I can’t necessarily effect much change in his behavior. (Though it is times like this where I really wish we were a TPE couple and I could just make it a rule.) But I can certainly change how I react to things. I also want to keep reading the blogs about his disorder. They are really disheartening. The main advice for partners seems to be to leave while you still have your sanity. I’m not really interested in leaving. But I think that by hearing about the patterns and experiences of others, I can become more adept at recognizing behavior patterns. That can’t be a bad thing.

With the raven, I’m thrilled he’s chosen to open up and share some of the inner workings of his mind. I also learned that he is a navel-gazer like I am. I hadn’t realized it since he keeps it all to himself. I suppose that makes a lot of sense. Most people don’t necessarily like sharing things about themselves that might be seen as negative traits or weaknesses. I’m hoping he will let me help him. He might not feel close enough to me to even let me try. And even if he does feel close enough to let me try to help him, it’s going to be really intrusive on his privacy issues. We both came to the conclusion that the privacy issues are going to be one of THE most important things to work on. If he can manage to make some major progress in that area, I think it’s going to be great both for him and also for me! So that is pretty exciting.

Now it’s 6am and I’m going to try to track down some actual food. Fruit snacks and soda do not a balanced meal make.

I’m doing it wrong: floggers

I’ve had this on my mind for about a week. But I’ve also had horrible insomnia. So I haven’t felt much like writing. Anyhow, on to the meat of the post.

A friend of mine once told me that she didn’t particularly care for hanging around with other dominant women because she didn’t get along with them very well. She seems to find a lot of them she’s met to be very “one twue way” and pretty outspoken about a lot of things she doesn’t agree with. I have to say that I seem to be having a somewhat similar experience. I was reminded of how wrong I am at a F/m specific party over the weekend. Because, you know, flogging is serious business.

Of course, I’m doing it wrong. I don’t stick to the upper back and butt. I flog everything sometimes. No areas off-limits. I mean none. I will flog the back, and the butt, and the legs. Yes, even the area behind the knee. I also flog feet. And hands. And breasts and bellies. I flog cocks and balls and the occasional pussy. And the big one that makes the heads of the safety-nazis explode: I will even flog the neck and face and “kidney” area.

I don’t do it often (ok the “kidney” area I flog all the time), but I’ve done it. I also don’t do it hard. But I’ve still done it. I make them close their mouth and eyes for face flogging. But yeah, still done it. Guess what? He lived. He still plays with me.  I did not put an eye out or damage any of his delicate arteries. He was not pissing blood nor did he have any kind of damage to his renal function. It’s a miracle… except that really it’s not. Bodies are very resiliant actually. We’re made to take quite a lot of things and not be damaged. If you don’t bludgeon the kidney area, it’s fine. If you don’t crush the neck, it’s fine. I’m not advocating that you do the moral equivalent of a kidney punch. I’m not saying you hold your submissive’s eyes open with toothpicks then flog their face. But I am saying that bodies are pretty tough. If they weren’t, we would have died out as a species many long years ago.

In addition to full body flogging, after I use them I do… nothing to them. I put them back in the bag and take them home. At home, I hang them back up until I want to use them again. I don’t try to clean them or sterilize them with anything. First, you can’t sterilize such a porous material. Anything that would actually sterilize leather would render it useless as a flogger. I could probably use it as armor, but that’s about it. Also, I believe that unless your bottom is getting bodily fluids on the leather, it’s about the same level of skin contact as giving your pal a hug on the beach. If you want to sterilize yourself after hugging your bff then you probably have bigger issues than whether or not to try to sterilize your flogger. Now I will say that if you are flogging genetailia or over open wounds, then there are some health concerns. But if the skin isn’t oozing something or bleeding, then I believe there isn’t any need to sterilize your flogger. And if it does get blood or urine or cum on it, hang it up for a few months. Even hepatitis can’t survive indefinitely outside the body. No need to declare it a one-person toy or throw it out. Really I think that it was the makers of floggers who started this idea that you must sterilize or switch floggers between every scene. Imagine the number of floggers one would have to own if that was really the one twue way! I’d be broke and I only flog one person on any regular basis!