I completely lost my shit the other night. Lost it. Full on dramatic, wailing, whinging mess. I’m mostly over it now, but I’m sure I’ll be dealing with the aftermath for a while. I feel like a weight has been lifted though. So I can’t be to upset that I lost my shit.
I’ve been hanging around a whole lot of people in TPE relationships lately. I don’t need one of those. I don’t have one of those. Not even close. The husband and I are fairly egalitarian. He has his life and his responsibilities. I have mine. For the most part, I have little say in the day to day minutia of his life. We do have a few over-arching rules that apply 24/7. He certainly takes my desires into consideration on the big things. But I don’t have final say on things. There have been times I wished I had. But for the most part, it’s fine for me. Sure it’s complicated and I have to keep track of what’s in the dynamic and what’s out. I have to balance my need for authority with his need for autonomy. I have to balance my need for inflicting pain with his ability to recover from it (as well as his work schedule since sometimes people see him partly undressed). Sometimes he’s in the mood to submit or play and sometimes his mood is such that even a hint of D/s or pain is going to do nothing but piss him off. All of that is my job to have a care for. It’s a lot. It’s complicated. It’s what I signed up for (for the most part) when I collared him. I am (for the most part) what he signed up for when he accepted my collar.
But sometimes I envy the relative simplicity of the TPE relationships my friends have. They aren’t without issues. They aren’t without complication. But they are much MUCH simpler than what I have. And sometimes things just pile up and I lose my shit.
I frequently lose my shit about a recurring theme. Getting what I want. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. Realistically speaking, that is just how life works. I don’t know of anyone who gets everything they want all the time. However, I tend to feel it more keenly sometimes than other times. This has been one of those times. I sometimes feel that my willingness to compromise and my desire to make sure that my lovers needs are met leaves me with the short end of the stick. In relation to my former second submissive, the husband once said to me:
If you are not getting your needs met by him, it’s your own fault. You’re the dom. Just tell him to do it or tell him to leave.
Yes, I’m the dom. So of course everyone is my responsibility. It’s fine if he wants to say rude things to me like I’m too old to be able to attract younger men. It’s fine for him to throw a hissy fit about something. It’s fine for him to tell me that if I’m not getting what I want to just kick the guy to the curb. Because, you know, I’m the dom. So I should be able to just take it. But if I did that, if I kicked to the curb anyone who didn’t meet all my needs, I wouldn’t have him in my life either. If I never compromised or ignored something I wanted, he would have left or I would have dumped him years ago. Sometimes I feel that is a part of my personality which is amazing and horrible. Amazing because it makes me very good at finding solutions that work pretty well for all parties involved. Amazing because it means I can be loyal even when we disagree. Amazing because it means that I can model compassion. But horrible when it’s not appreciated. Horrible when it leads people to believe they can just walk all over me. And horrible because I feel that sometimes… sometimes… sometimes it means they can walk all over me.
So sometimes I don’t get what I want. Sometimes I don’t get what I need. Is it my own damn fault? Yes. He’s right. It is. Because I choose to stay and compromise and use every last scrap of my emotional intelligence and self control to keep all our collective relationship shit together. Sometimes it feels like my own husband, my own collared submissive does not believe in me as a dom. That doesn’t feel very good. Maybe I am a good dom and maybe I’m not. Maybe he’s full of shit and maybe I’m prone to overthinking things. I don’t know.
What I do know is that sometimes I don’t get what I want. Not because I’m a rubbish dom. But because I want to be a decent fucking human being who doesn’t run over people like a bulldozer in search of my own desires to the exclusion of all else. Because I firmly believe that if I got rid of everyone in my life that wasn’t able to meet all my needs, there would be nobody left. Because we’re all just people. Imperfect, sometimes assholes, sometimes brilliant, sometimes unsure, people.
And thank you to the raven for appreciating that I’m a person first. And knowing that doesn’t mean I’m not also a dominant. And for letting me lose my shit without judgment.