I suffered from horrible insomnia for a few weeks. This week, all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I have some odd circadian rhythm based bipolar disorder. I’m hoping that after catching up on some sleep, I will be able to go back to normal (for me) sleep patterns. In the meantime, it’s been a week full of navel-gazing and personal growth… just not for me! It’s probably another reason why I want to do nothing but sleep. After being the single-handed support system for two people I care about, I am a bit exhausted.
I’m happy to be exhausted though. I’m happy to be getting some sleep. I’m also happy to be seeing some serious potential for growth in the husband and the raven. I want to help them both if I can. I’m not sure I can. But I’m going to try.
With the husband, we have been down this path before a few times. It’s not a new issue. But I’ve decided to try my best to react differently this time around. Clearly, what I was doing before was not that helpful. So it would probably serve me better to try something different. Also, the husband seems to be much more amenable to staying on his meds this time. He’s been so conditioned by his family and his work to eschew meds. I’m glad he is making an effort to do this. The information I’ve read suggest it will help quite a bit. So that is exciting! I don’t like having to blow my top every few months. Not a fun pattern. I can’t necessarily effect much change in his behavior. (Though it is times like this where I really wish we were a TPE couple and I could just make it a rule.) But I can certainly change how I react to things. I also want to keep reading the blogs about his disorder. They are really disheartening. The main advice for partners seems to be to leave while you still have your sanity. I’m not really interested in leaving. But I think that by hearing about the patterns and experiences of others, I can become more adept at recognizing behavior patterns. That can’t be a bad thing.
With the raven, I’m thrilled he’s chosen to open up and share some of the inner workings of his mind. I also learned that he is a navel-gazer like I am. I hadn’t realized it since he keeps it all to himself. I suppose that makes a lot of sense. Most people don’t necessarily like sharing things about themselves that might be seen as negative traits or weaknesses. I’m hoping he will let me help him. He might not feel close enough to me to even let me try. And even if he does feel close enough to let me try to help him, it’s going to be really intrusive on his privacy issues. We both came to the conclusion that the privacy issues are going to be one of THE most important things to work on. If he can manage to make some major progress in that area, I think it’s going to be great both for him and also for me! So that is pretty exciting.
Now it’s 6am and I’m going to try to track down some actual food. Fruit snacks and soda do not a balanced meal make.