Monthly Archives: October 2013

Safety first

I have had an on and off correspondence with a guy a few states away. He seemed like an interesting person and interested in getting to know me and my take on kink. It all seemed pretty run of the mill. We had a few email exchanges. During one of them, he asked me to skype with him to chat. That isn’t really something I’m interested in doing outside a relationship. It seemed slightly unusual to request to skype chat about kink. Usually when someone requests a skype chat, they want to either do some online play or get something with which to blackmail someone else. Or both. He let the matter drop. I thought it was strange and it rubbed me the wrong way, but I let the matter drop.

Fast forward a few months of minimal communication and he is coming to my area and wants to meet. He will be relatively close, but not exactly in my city. I’m used to driving, and I figure an hour or so isn’t a very long drive. He lets me know when he gets here that he wants to meet late night tomorrow. I’m more of a night person, so that works for me. However, I’ve been a woman all my life. I live in a world where it’s not always safe to meet strange men in hotel rooms. It’s not even necessarily safe to meet strange men alone in public places. So he asks to make the drive and stay at my home overnight. I don’t think so. The last thing I’m going to do is let some strange man I’ve never met know where I live and stay in my home when I’m alone. That is just not happening. Alarm bells start ringing. I politely decline. He says he understands my position.

Then he balks when I mention I am planning on bringing a friend with me. He asks if it’s really necessary. It is. Is it a man? Yes it is. Is he a dom or a sub? Now on this one, I’m pretty curious as to why it would matter. I can vaguely understand that another woman might be very desirable as opposed to another man if you’re a straight male dominant. I could see how having access to two women instead of one could be very advantageous… if one has nefarious plans or is just hopeful. Once he starts balking at having another man around, it starts sounding alarm bells again. 

He states again that he would not mind coming here as long as he can stay at my home. The bells are ringing louder. He would be fine with not having me come to the hotel room since he doesn’t want another man in his hotel room. We could go to a restaurant still as long as I leave my companion at another table. Excuse me? Completely unacceptable. It would be the height of rudeness to have a friend be nice enough to make a drive with me to meet some stranger from the internet then banish him to another table. I can’t even imagine how it would make me feel to have to sit at another table like some kind of unruly toddler at Thanksgiving dinner. Needless to say, I have politely declined. If someone can’t understand a few simple safety precautions in the age of rape and human trafficking, I certainly can’t be bothered to go out of my way to meet them. 

Safety first, people. I do also fully acknowledge that part of the reasons I can hear those alarm bells and act in a safer way is that I have lost a lot of my blind trusting naivety. So there is my silver lining from the dark cloud of having trust issues now. I’m a whole lot safer than I used to be.

Advertisements

Musings on worshiping at the altar of youth

This post has been something I’ve thought about for a while now. I’m still not exactly sure what I’m saying with it, but I’m in a writing mood lately, so I’m going to just write and see what comes out.

I read a post on another blot that’s written by a male submissive. He’s getting older and is fearful that he will never find a suitable mate (a dominant woman, he’s straight) because he’s getting older. And he is starting to feel sexually irrelevant. My first reaction upon reading this post was a resounding “Welcome to my world,” followed by a strong dose of “How does it feel when the shoe is on the other foot?” Because this is something women have lived with for hundreds of years. I know it sounds terrible. I know that even thinking that makes me a first class bitch. It’s an honest account of my initial reaction to a very long and whiny post about finding someone to love and be loved by.

And really, I get it. Part of what makes me angry about it is that I’ve seen it. I have women friends who are significantly older than I am. And to a certain extent, I’m living it. As I’ve gotten older, I’m dealing with it some myself. Perhaps a bit less than vanilla or submissive women since being dominant woman gives me a little bit of privilege in the “finding a suitable mate” department. And really I have it very easy compared to a lot of people. Not only am I a dominant woman, which is supposedly the rarest of the rare (and therefore much more desirable). And for dominants, usually older is more desirable (at least up to a point). I’ve also got a few other factors on my side. I don’t look as old as I am. This gives me a bit of privilege since, for women, younger has always been stereotypically more desirable than being older. I also currently have a spouse. So in the search for partners, I have already “won.” I have one. I think that if I were trying to date in the vanilla world as a single woman, I’d be in a similar boat to most women and this submissive man.

I’d feel like my chances were dwindling. Slim and getting slimmer every day. Society tells us that if you aren’t young and buff, you’re not desirable. And that’s a pretty rough place to live.

So to the aging male submissives, I don’t really want to say “Buck up, we women have been living with this for centuries.” What I really want to say is:

I understand. I know how you feel. I know it stinks to think that all the dominant women out there seem to only be interested in younger men. I sympathize with your fears and concerns. It’s not a good feeling to think that you’re less valuable than someone else based purely on something you have no control over. I wish that things were different. And the good news is that sometimes they are different. Because I also know from experience and observation that not everyone worships at the altar of youth. The things that society at large tells us “everyone” wants? Not everyone wants those things. Sometimes even the people who might tell you they want those things don’t want those things. They know they don’t want those things but are too scared to step outside the “societally approved” box. And sometimes people don’t even know they don’t want those things yet. They figure it out eventually. No matter how old you are, someone will want you. Probably several someones will want you. So don’t worry. You aren’t sexually irrelevant. Your age isn’t going to disqualify you from ever finding someone. I know it’s frightening. The good and the bad news is that I bet all the women your age, no matter their orientation, know how you feel. I bet if you have a care for their fears and feelings, they will also have a care for yours.

This is my life: stocks are sexy

Everyone was finally gone for the night. It was a good night. I had fun socializing and playing “host” despite my introverted nature. I am actually looking forward to doing it again in the future. But after everyone left, I was very ready to get some different fun going. The cross had been set up downstairs. I’d fully planned to use it. But sometimes best laid plans…

I lay on the bed and had him go down on me. It was feeling very good and I got off several times before I decided perhaps we should move on to the flogging part of the evening. I grabbed my flogger and was just about to pull him off the bed and drag him downstairs. He’d pulled all the stocks out earlier to show people. The ankle and wrist stocks were still out in the bedroom.  He looked at them and said, “I wonder if I could manage to lick you while locked in those.” I gave him a dubious look. He wouldn’t be able to actually move much in that position. He’d be laying on his face with his arms and legs both useless for balance. I know him, and I knew that having the stocks on is one of his favorite kinds of bondage. I also know that showing them off all night would have increased his desire for them.

He’d been such a wonderful host. I decided to indulge what I knew to be a plea to please find a way to use the stocks somehow tonight. “Let’s find out!” He looked shocked but happy. It took some work, but I got him in the right position and got the stocks on him while he was in the bed. We ended up having to put some pillows under his chest so his head was in the right position for pussy licking. Apparently he can still do a very good job while having almost no mobility or balance. After I cane several more times, I decided once again that it was time for the trip downstairs and flogging.

Unfortunately, I passed behind him before I let him out of the stocks. What an amazingly enticing view he was presenting me. So helpless and open. His ass was literally irresistible. I was momentarily mesmerized by how beautiful he was. I had to have him. Right. Now. I grabbed my harness, a cock, and some lube. It took a moment to get him far enough down on the bed that I could get my cock in him. But it was so worth it.

I fucked him slow. And fast. And soft and hard. I decided I wasn’t going to forego my desire to flog him just because I was also fucking him. I grabbed the flogger I’d abandoned on the bed and started to flog him with my cock buried to the hip. I spent several minutes enjoying the feel of him trying to move and unable to. Feeling the impact my fogger was having through his ass clenching and moving against my hips. It was an amazing feeling. Then I started moving again. I was fucking him and flogging him and he was moaning and unable to really move. It was hot. Amazing. I definitely want to use those stocks again in just that manner. That vulnerability was such a huge turn on.

We never made it to the cross.

Musings: priorities in relationships and beyond

So I am watching “The Mentalist.” Two of the characters are dating in a department which doesn’t allow inter-department dating. So one of them has to transfer. One character is talking to another character about how complicated it is and he doesn’t know what to do about it. Should he transfer out from this job he loves? Should he stay in the job and stop dating the woman he cares about? It’s all just so hard!!! And the guy he’s talking to just keeps walking and says, “Which one do you want more? The job or [name of character]?” Then there was a bit more whining and complaining about how it really wasn’t that simple. But I tend to agree with the second character. It really is that simple.

What do you want more? It’s all about priorities. And we prioritize things all day every day. We do it. All of us. Even when you don’t think you’re doing it, you are. It’s that simple. What do you or I or Jane Doe over there want more? Do you want money more than you want to sleep in? Then you go to work. Do you want eggs for breakfast or pancakes? Do you want to read a book more than you want to go on that date? Do you want to fuck that hot guy more than you want to be faithful in a monogamous relationship? It’s all about priorities. It really is that easy.

In my relationships, I prioritize the other person very highly. I don’t usually bother with getting involved in relationships with people unless I want to spend time with them and get to know them pretty well. Sometimes and with some people, I want to go spelunking in their mind and explore every dark cave and cavern in there. The closer I am to someone, the higher I prioritize them and everything to do with them. I prioritize spending time with them. I prioritize thinking about them and how we can relate to each other. I spend a vast amount of my personal time and energy on them. I don’t necessarily expect them to spend the same amount of time that I do. I admit that this is a main focus of my life and it’s personal work that I choose to do. That is all me. But it does need to be pretty close. If it isn’t then I start to feel like we are not on the same page. Sometimes I feel like we’re not even in the same chapter. If I start feeling like we’re no longer in the same book, it’s just time to move on. If I prioritize you above basically everything but myself and my work and you prioritize me below re-reading a best seller for the 4th time… I need to move on. If you prioritize me above your sister’s wedding and I prioritize you below taking my dog for a walk… you need to move on. If you prioritize me below that book but really desire to keep me in your life, understand that you have prioritized improperly. I’ll still be gone. But you can learn to prioritize the next woman better.

I think the only difficult thing is learning the hard way that someone either prioritizes you differently than you do them, or learning that you prioritized something incorrectly for the desired results. I’ve experienced both. So I know what I’m talking about. But really. It is that simple.

What do you want more?