Musings on switching

You know, I think switches are cool. One of my straight dominant friends said to me once that he wished he were a bi poly switch because he could have twice the fun. And I see his point! I hear that switches get picked on sometimes in the kink community (much like bi/pansexual people or poly people) because some people think they need to “pick a side.” I think that’s complete bullshit. I think that’s asking someone to give up their authentic self. I think there is no need to “pick a side.” Sometimes ALL sides are the right side for someone! I’m not a switch, so I don’t have a lot of personal experience with this. But I can believe that it’s so. First, because my switch friends have told me so. I can also see some of the fallout from it on a personal level. It isn’t just switches that are getting the short end of this particular stick. I’m getting it too.

Let me explain how it is hurting a dom that switches are being ostracized. Because it would not necessarily seem that it would have much of an effect on people who aren’t switches. So because it’s not always accepted that someone hasn’t “picked a side,” some people do try to do so. So now you have a switch declaring hirself to be either a dominant or a submissive exclusively. Much like any time someone tries to ignore a part of themselves, it usually doesn’t last. So now perhaps you have a dominant who found a great submissive. They have been seeing each other for a while, and now suddenly the dominant is asking the submissive to switch & be the dominant for a while. Now if the submissive is also a switch, it’s fine. Of if they are both fine with service topping, it’s fine. If they aren’t both switches, not so fine.

Now imagine for a second that the submissive is a man. And that almost every dominant woman he’s been in a relationship with is actually a switch who doesn’t feel comfortable self-identifying as a switch. This submissive man might end up assuming that any dominant woman he is with is going to expect him to turn the tables every now and again. Expect it. Want it. Now imagine this submissive man finds himself in a relationship with a dominant woman. Not a sadomasochist. Not a switch. Yes. I’ve been there done that. Between that and the gender-normative idea that all women are submissive… it makes me wary and it makes trusting that a man won’t try to top or dominate me… quite difficult.

I see it all the time on fetlife and other bdsm websites. There is a woman (not just in this incarnation, but this is the one that most effects me, so I notice it more) listed as a domme, dominant, master, mistress, etc. And she is the submissive or slave of someone else. I have seen it and heard it that “I am a dominant! I only submit to my Owner/Master/Dominant! So I’m not submissive.” Or possibly, “I only want to submit to my future owner! I only want to submit to one person!” (Because, you know, all those other people with a submissive side want to just submit to everyone out there even if there is no negotiated relationship) Well, call me crazy, but I think that if you choose to submit, then you are also submissive. Nobody is forcing you to submit. We have a term for that, we call it “switch.” And there is nothing wrong with that! I can understand that this could very easily happen since apparently being a switch is associated by some with waffling and refusing to “pick a side.” I also understand that some people just are not comfortable with their submissive side. But it sure does make for a rough day for me sometimes. (Because, you know, it’s all about me right? lol) I would love for people to all be able to own whatever they are. I would love for there to not be any shame in being a dominant or a submissive or a sadomasochist or a switch or a rope top or WHATEVER people are! Because I really do think that… there isn’t anything wrong with it. Not a bloody thing. And when people can’t admit it and all the lines get blurred and some submissive man I’m trying to date suddenly decides to slap me or pin me down or tell me he wants me to wear these shoes and that pair of pants because he thinks all dominant women really want it… well it just ruins my day.

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