Monthly Archives: December 2013

Thinking about sex

I’ve been reading a few posts on sex from a dominant woman’s point of view. And I’ve been on OKCupid. One of the questions is “How confident are you in your sexual abilities?”

I just realized how I think about sex is probably atypical for women. Maybe it’s not. I don’t know. But when considering how best to answer it, because I over-analyze these kinds of things, I came to the conclusion that my focus on what might or might not make me a great lover is very much focused on me. I did not consider whether or not I would be able to get some guy off. I considered many things. That just wasn’t one of them. My focus was more on things like…

I am really good with a flogger, cane, paddle, whip, rope, etc.

I can plan a scene &/or sexual encounter that we can both/all enjoy.

I will surely get off.

So basically I am considering myself more as the one doing the things as opposed to being done to. I am also much more focused on me. It’s me first then us then him/them. Having spent many years of my life discussing sex lives with my women friends, I don’t know too many women who really think this way about sex. Sure, they want to have an orgasm or two. But most of them seem to be much more focused on his orgasm. If one of my partners doesn’t get to orgasm, I’m good. And usually it’s because I specifically don’t want him to. Also, I’m not at all dependent on him to “give me” an orgasm. I’m the one directing traffic. I’m either doing something to him or I’m deciding how the action will go. So the one giving me an orgasm is me. And while I’m not completely certain I could say that I “give” my partner(s) an orgasm if I’m going to allow one… I’m still the one allowing it. And most of my women friends are fine doing things in bed that they don’t really like to do. I’m not. If I don’t like it, it’s just not going to happen. And I’m not going to be cajoled or bullied into trying it either. If I’m ambivalent or simply haven’t tried something, I might well give it a go and see if I can enjoy it. But unless I’m enthusiastic about something, it’s just not going to be included in my sex life.

So basically what I’m trying to say here is that I’m a selfish lover. But not in a bad way!

Isolation & Intimacy in Kink

One of my kinky friends once said something like: once you get into kink you will find that you don’t want to do vanilla things much any more because it will start to seem very boring. I have found that to be true. For me and for a whole lot of my kinky friends and acquaintances.

Kink is still not very accepted in mainstream society. So suddenly it becomes awkward to talk about what you are getting your husband for Christmas… because it’s a new chastity device. Or you can’t participate in the “What I did last weekend” discussion with co-workers… because you went to a kinky campground and tied 3 people to a tree then beat them. You can’t talk about why you no longer make it to the Wednesday night sewing circle… because you are going to the local TNG munch instead. Slowly you stop talking as much to the people you can’t share that part of your life with. You call them less. They call you less. And you’re soon minus a whole lot of friends and acquaintances. Though there are usually a few people you can always count on to accept you no matter what, even if that “what” is hearing the occasional silly kink misadventure and laughing right along with you. Those people are worth their weight in gold.

At kink events, we share some intensely personal things with and in front of each other. At munches we frequently talk about our innermost desires. With people who are, for most of us, virtual strangers. In many cases, we are discussing our sexual preferences (usually considered very personal and private) at munches because it’s one of the few places we can discuss these things. We can’t talk about how we like kicking our husbands in the balls at the water cooler. We can’t talk about the woes of ripping our latex pants at with the other soccer moms. It doesn’t go over well to bring up your second submissive/boyfriend while having lunch with your husband’s parents. So you don’t. You talk about them at the local kink get togethers. Even if it’s around strangers. Because you can. So the guy sitting two seats down whom you have never seen before might well know more details of your sex life than your bff, but you don’t even know each other’s last name.

You may be naked in front of strangers. You may play with people you barely know. When that happens, if it’s a really good scene, it creates a connection. Maybe it is only a moment or an hour, but it can be very intimate. That person is all yours to do as you wish with. You’re working together to create something. That’s intimate too. But in some ways it’s really not the same thing as the intimacy you get when you spend lots of time with someone. It’s a kind of false intimacy. You don’t know these people. Not until you have spent a fair amount of time with them. Talking to them. Observing their behavior with others. So maybe you are intimate (not necessarily in a sexual sense) with someone. That does not mean they can be your friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/etc. The guy you just had strip and give you a foot rub may be your next bff. Or you may have nothing at all in common other than you like to get foot rubs and he loves to give them. That lovely dominant who is fantastic with a flogger may be your future wife or she may be a complete idiot who just happens to really great with a flogger. My point is that a lot of the time, we don’t know much about our fellow kinksters. And in addition to that, just because we’re all kinky does not mean we’d be good friends.

I know. I’ve tried this approach. I certainly learned that even being in the same type of dynamic is no guarantee you will even be able to manage being civil with each other. So being close to vanilla people is improbable. And being close to kinky people is just as hard. I suppose it’s just hard all over. I read an article (that prompted this post) wherein a virtual herd of digital nomads were all in agreement that the digital lifestyle can create a big void in the intimacy department. I’m sure it does. But I live in a house. I have a job I work at 5 days a week. I have a husband and a dog and a car payment. And I’m still not all that close to anyone. I have plenty of people who love me. I have the husband and the raven, though he’s far away. I have some friends. But I struggle with intimate relationships as well.

Kink can be as isolating as traveling alone through the world. There are a whole host of people in my family and neighborhood who simply can’t relate to my lifestyle. And yet I love kink. I love my life. It’s worth the struggles with making friends to be able to follow this passion of mine.

Quickie sickie update

Well I’m drowning in a sea of tissues. But there are some bright spots on the horizon. 

The husband was turned on at work by some things we were discussing yesterday. I didn’t know it at the time, but I can really get behind his being turned on in inappropriate places. As long as it isn’t going to get him fired! I like the idea that he might have not particularly wanted to be turned on, but was in spite of himself. Especially hot since it took me so long to talk him into chastity! So not only was he turned on, but he knew there would be no release. And he wasn’t in a scene. He was just out there in the vanilla world. Hot!

Also I found out that the raven has started sitting down to pee. I mentioned in passing that I found it to be much better and less messy when a guy sits to pee. I didn’t ask for it specifically, I just mentioned it was something I prefer. I consider this to be a good sign on a few levels. First, he is paying attention. That’s just invaluable. And he clearly wants to do things that please me. Plus he spent quite a lot of time and effort in my direction last week.

Lastly, my piss smells like chemicals due to all the medications I’m taking for this horrid illness. Perhaps I started noticing the “quality” of my urine when I got into piss play. I don’t know. But I hate the way it smells when I’m taking medication. I’d hate to think how bad it would taste. Lucky for them that I’m in no mood to play when I’m sick.

More musings on switching

I was reading a comment over on fetlife and it brought up another thing that has to do with switching that annoys me. A person giving some advice in one of the groups I frequent pointed out that some people tend to change their role on fetlife to “switch” even though they aren’t. I think that’s a very bad and disingenuous idea. If you are a switch, own it! But if you’re NOT a switch, own that too.

Don’t get me wrong, I can understand why people do it. Finding a partner can take a very long time and a whole lot of diligence. Even for people who don’t have the complication that kink brings to the table, it can take vanilla people 10+ years to find a suitable life partner. We basically spend at least some time from about our mid-teen years until… well potentially well into middle age… searching for a partner (or more than one partner if you’re poly). Then consider that many people don’t find (or can’t admit to) their kinks til long after they’ve actually entered the dating pool. And really, when you add in kink at all, the odds drop. If you are (as I am, so I’ll use my own demographics as an example) a straight woman in a room full of 100 men (I fully admit these numbers are NOT scientific and I have done no studies to back them up, I’m generalizing) then you have extra eliminations to go through.

Let’s say half of them are gay men. So now I’m down to 50 potential mates out of the original group.

Let’s then say that only half of the straight men left are kinky. So now I’m down to 25 potential mates.

Let’s then say that only half of those men are submissive men. So now I’m down to 13 (I’m rounding up here because 12.5 … half a person?) potential mates.

That leaves me 13 people out of the original 100. And then we come up against the actual kinks. Those have to line up at least somewhat well. That probably narrows the field to about half again. So now we’re down to 7. Because I’m rounding up again.

So not even factoring in things like physical attraction and common interests, which will further whittle away at the numbers, I’m down to 7 people out of 100.

SEVEN!

Now let’s go back up there and look at switches. They can pull from both sides of the slash as potential partners. So of the 25 kinky people left, I still have a pool of 25. And if I’m willing to fudge on my actual D/s orientation, why not fudge a bit on the kinks? So I still have 25 potential matches. That’s still 1/4 of the people I started out with. That’s pretty darn good! Right? Wrong.

What happens when that fantastically hot dominant man I’ve snagged asks me to get naked and clean the bathroom floor with a toothbrush? Because I’m really not interested in that. And what happens when that cute submissive girl wants her new dominant man (who actually isn’t) to make the decision about what job she should take? Sure, some people might be able to fake it for a while. But going against your nature is hard work. It tends to wear you out. And it tends to create resentment. I suppose some things are worth fighting against. If you’re a serial killer, by all means I say you should fight this with every fiber of your being. But if you’re submissive and not dominant, nobody’s getting killed. And faking it is an almost certain recipe for disaster.

Also, oddly… you will still get a bit of the same thing I was ranting about in my post about switches who are switches but can’t own it. What happens when that nice submissive man meets that “switch” woman who never actually wants to dominate him? Well he might just conclude that is what all dominant women are like. You know… submissive. And once again, that will just ruin your day if you’re a dominant woman trying to be in a relationship with one of those guys who keep encountering people who can’t be honest about who they are. Own it, people. Just own it.

What does school have to do with my kink life? Well I’ll tell you.

I just read a really great blog on the American school system, and what a mess it is. I highly suggest this article for any parents. One of the things that I’ve always been really good at is following the beat of my own drum. I remember in elementary school, I wouldn’t finish my homework. It was repetitive and I could tell. So I would do a few problems then stop. Because I’d already proved that I knew how to answer the questions. This is one of the points made in the post. The way we teach children is boring, unimaginative, repetitive, and produces children that have low self esteem. We learn to memorize and regurgitate without considering or critical thinking. It’s a bad idea. Unless you want a society of people who simply accept things they are told and don’t question anything. It also teaches children to seek outside validation instead of internal validation. Also a bad idea.

We are training future generations to be sheep. We’re giving them trophies for doing nothing. We’re telling them that if you aren’t perfect then you’re a horrible failure. Another good point that it made was that we learn best from our failures. We learn it’s ok to take chances. It’s ok to get it wrong sometimes. Then we have more data to look at and build a better mouse trap. 

One thing that I think is a positive about being a stubborn, introverted person is that I didn’t internalize many of the things above. I never stopped questioning things and examining them. When I found kink, I jumped right in. I didn’t really worry about what anyone else thought or that it might mean that I was a horrible person because I like the things I like. I looked things over like examining the facets of a jewel, and determined the jewel was just right for me. And it was beautiful. I haven’t looked back since. I started out on the opposite side of the slash. Turns out I was completely wrong about that. I’m not submissive. Oh well! A little failure. I wouldn’t say it’s made me a better dominant. But it’s an experience in my life that helped to make me who I am and I wouldn’t trade it. At the very least, I can tell all those smug bastard dominants out there who assume I just haven’t found the right dominant man yet … that I’ve already tried submission on for size and it doesn’t fit. At any rate, I think I’m just feeling lucky today. Because I’m feeling very lucky to be a stubborn introvert right now.

This is my life: being ill

It’s very late tonight. Or it’s very early in the morning. I’ve had a challenging week. And the only bright spots in it have been you. Both of you have given me your time and attention. You have made me laugh and smile. I find myself appreciating the time you took making sure I didn’t have a completely miserable week. You both mean so much to me in your own ways. I appreciate that you are both willing to take time to make me smile. To be silly with me. I’m so rarely silly. I need that in my life. And I am also strangely glad neither of you is here right now. Though I wouldn’t throw you out if you were here. I don’t like people seeing me while I’m sick or ill. My nose is running. I’m coughing. And I’m rather grumpy. I’m existing on cough drops and echinacea tea. It’s really not the image I want locked in my lovers’ heads. I want them to see me as sexy and strong. Snot running down my face as I am searching in vain for one last tissue is decidedly un-sexy. That being said, I know the husband is an incredibly giving and patient nurse. He has certainly seen me at my worst. He’s still here. I know he can handle my supersonic sneezing and whinging about how much my nose hurts. The raven, I don’t know how well he would handle the reality of a sick dominant. But I suppose that at some point, I’d like to find out.

In any case, right now I feel cared for even though neither of them is physically here. And I’m feeling lucky to be me.

Edited to add: Several posts ago, I believe I mentioned that I might want to fall in love again. Turns out I have. With the husband.

Musings on my relationships

I think that being in a relationship with me is difficult. There are a few things that, societally speaking, are going to be stacked against people who want to be with me. I think it takes a strong person.

I’m fat & middle aged. Now by saying this, I don’t mean I’m ugly or gross or slovenly or many other things people seem to associate with the word “fat.” I’m an attractive woman. But society is not kind to fat people. It’s especially unkind to fat women. And given my preference for younger and thinner/athletic men… well, society (read: your bff, your family, your boss) doesn’t always understand why a younger and muscular attractive man would choose to be with an older fat woman. They are very likely to question your choice. Perhaps even in a very pushy or belittling way. Plus I’m a married older fat woman. That’s another thing stacked against the men in my life. The family/friends/boss probably won’t understand why a husband would “let” his wife see another man. And the family/friends/boss of “the other man” might well judge him very harshly for being a “homewrecker” whether that is true or not! Then you add in that I’m dominant and sadistic. So the men in my life are going to have to give up some authority to me, where society usually expects the men to be in charge. And they may well end up hiding marks on their bodies. So when people can’t quite hack it being with me, I can really understand. It’s a lot to overcome. It requires someone who either doesn’t care what anyone else thinks (much more rare than one might think) &/or someone who has a whole lot of self-confidence.

That being said, for the right people, I’m really worth it.