I was reading a comment over on fetlife and it brought up another thing that has to do with switching that annoys me. A person giving some advice in one of the groups I frequent pointed out that some people tend to change their role on fetlife to “switch” even though they aren’t. I think that’s a very bad and disingenuous idea. If you are a switch, own it! But if you’re NOT a switch, own that too.
Don’t get me wrong, I can understand why people do it. Finding a partner can take a very long time and a whole lot of diligence. Even for people who don’t have the complication that kink brings to the table, it can take vanilla people 10+ years to find a suitable life partner. We basically spend at least some time from about our mid-teen years until… well potentially well into middle age… searching for a partner (or more than one partner if you’re poly). Then consider that many people don’t find (or can’t admit to) their kinks til long after they’ve actually entered the dating pool. And really, when you add in kink at all, the odds drop. If you are (as I am, so I’ll use my own demographics as an example) a straight woman in a room full of 100 men (I fully admit these numbers are NOT scientific and I have done no studies to back them up, I’m generalizing) then you have extra eliminations to go through.
Let’s say half of them are gay men. So now I’m down to 50 potential mates out of the original group.
Let’s then say that only half of the straight men left are kinky. So now I’m down to 25 potential mates.
Let’s then say that only half of those men are submissive men. So now I’m down to 13 (I’m rounding up here because 12.5 … half a person?) potential mates.
That leaves me 13 people out of the original 100. And then we come up against the actual kinks. Those have to line up at least somewhat well. That probably narrows the field to about half again. So now we’re down to 7. Because I’m rounding up again.
So not even factoring in things like physical attraction and common interests, which will further whittle away at the numbers, I’m down to 7 people out of 100.
Now let’s go back up there and look at switches. They can pull from both sides of the slash as potential partners. So of the 25 kinky people left, I still have a pool of 25. And if I’m willing to fudge on my actual D/s orientation, why not fudge a bit on the kinks? So I still have 25 potential matches. That’s still 1/4 of the people I started out with. That’s pretty darn good! Right? Wrong.
What happens when that fantastically hot dominant man I’ve snagged asks me to get naked and clean the bathroom floor with a toothbrush? Because I’m really not interested in that. And what happens when that cute submissive girl wants her new dominant man (who actually isn’t) to make the decision about what job she should take? Sure, some people might be able to fake it for a while. But going against your nature is hard work. It tends to wear you out. And it tends to create resentment. I suppose some things are worth fighting against. If you’re a serial killer, by all means I say you should fight this with every fiber of your being. But if you’re submissive and not dominant, nobody’s getting killed. And faking it is an almost certain recipe for disaster.
Also, oddly… you will still get a bit of the same thing I was ranting about in my post about switches who are switches but can’t own it. What happens when that nice submissive man meets that “switch” woman who never actually wants to dominate him? Well he might just conclude that is what all dominant women are like. You know… submissive. And once again, that will just ruin your day if you’re a dominant woman trying to be in a relationship with one of those guys who keep encountering people who can’t be honest about who they are. Own it, people. Just own it.