Isolation & Intimacy in Kink

One of my kinky friends once said something like: once you get into kink you will find that you don’t want to do vanilla things much any more because it will start to seem very boring. I have found that to be true. For me and for a whole lot of my kinky friends and acquaintances.

Kink is still not very accepted in mainstream society. So suddenly it becomes awkward to talk about what you are getting your husband for Christmas… because it’s a new chastity device. Or you can’t participate in the “What I did last weekend” discussion with co-workers… because you went to a kinky campground and tied 3 people to a tree then beat them. You can’t talk about why you no longer make it to the Wednesday night sewing circle… because you are going to the local TNG munch instead. Slowly you stop talking as much to the people you can’t share that part of your life with. You call them less. They call you less. And you’re soon minus a whole lot of friends and acquaintances. Though there are usually a few people you can always count on to accept you no matter what, even if that “what” is hearing the occasional silly kink misadventure and laughing right along with you. Those people are worth their weight in gold.

At kink events, we share some intensely personal things with and in front of each other. At munches we frequently talk about our innermost desires. With people who are, for most of us, virtual strangers. In many cases, we are discussing our sexual preferences (usually considered very personal and private) at munches because it’s one of the few places we can discuss these things. We can’t talk about how we like kicking our husbands in the balls at the water cooler. We can’t talk about the woes of ripping our latex pants at with the other soccer moms. It doesn’t go over well to bring up your second submissive/boyfriend while having lunch with your husband’s parents. So you don’t. You talk about them at the local kink get togethers. Even if it’s around strangers. Because you can. So the guy sitting two seats down whom you have never seen before might well know more details of your sex life than your bff, but you don’t even know each other’s last name.

You may be naked in front of strangers. You may play with people you barely know. When that happens, if it’s a really good scene, it creates a connection. Maybe it is only a moment or an hour, but it can be very intimate. That person is all yours to do as you wish with. You’re working together to create something. That’s intimate too. But in some ways it’s really not the same thing as the intimacy you get when you spend lots of time with someone. It’s a kind of false intimacy. You don’t know these people. Not until you have spent a fair amount of time with them. Talking to them. Observing their behavior with others. So maybe you are intimate (not necessarily in a sexual sense) with someone. That does not mean they can be your friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/etc. The guy you just had strip and give you a foot rub may be your next bff. Or you may have nothing at all in common other than you like to get foot rubs and he loves to give them. That lovely dominant who is fantastic with a flogger may be your future wife or she may be a complete idiot who just happens to really great with a flogger. My point is that a lot of the time, we don’t know much about our fellow kinksters. And in addition to that, just because we’re all kinky does not mean we’d be good friends.

I know. I’ve tried this approach. I certainly learned that even being in the same type of dynamic is no guarantee you will even be able to manage being civil with each other. So being close to vanilla people is improbable. And being close to kinky people is just as hard. I suppose it’s just hard all over. I read an article (that prompted this post) wherein a virtual herd of digital nomads were all in agreement that the digital lifestyle can create a big void in the intimacy department. I’m sure it does. But I live in a house. I have a job I work at 5 days a week. I have a husband and a dog and a car payment. And I’m still not all that close to anyone. I have plenty of people who love me. I have the husband and the raven, though he’s far away. I have some friends. But I struggle with intimate relationships as well.

Kink can be as isolating as traveling alone through the world. There are a whole host of people in my family and neighborhood who simply can’t relate to my lifestyle. And yet I love kink. I love my life. It’s worth the struggles with making friends to be able to follow this passion of mine.

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4 responses to “Isolation & Intimacy in Kink

  1. Pingback: A Rebel’s Dangerous Kink | Hipster Racist

  2. Pingback: Trying a Different Type of New Year’s Resolution | Masochist Musing

  3. Have you continued your struggle?

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