Once upon a time, the husband tried to shove me at the wild thing. At every chance he got, he tried to get me to play with the wild thing. Do something with the wild thing… Look! There is the wild thing right over there and he’s looking this way… Don’t you want to play with him tonight??? Then, eventually, I did. I asked him about it after the play, and the husband remarked that he didn’t find the wild thing threatening. At that time, I thought to myself…
And he did. In a way he does, even though we’ve talked about it and he knows I love him and I’m not going to put him aside for anyone. So how did I know that the wild thing would move from “not a threat” to “potentially dangerous”? I saw what the wild thing might offer me. And he has. He is. He offers me things I have always wanted. He loves to touch me and be touched by me. Any touch. A kiss, a swat on the ass while he makes my tea, my nails in his flesh just because I felt like it, a bite on the neck because I love to bite. The wild thing wants it. He wants it in a way the husband doesn’t. He wants it whenever I want to do it. When he’s walking. When he’s watching a movie. When he’s in a scene. Doesn’t matter the timing, he wants it on my time frame and at my whim. And that’s scary.
The wild thing is just beginning his kink journey. He wants to try everything (well almost everything) and he wants to explore with me. He is willing to try things that the husband either can’t do due to his work or won’t do because he isn’t interested. I’m not just beginning my kink journey, but I’m an explorer. I like to examine and delve and learn new things. The husband is basically done learning. The only way he explores new things in the kink realm is if I make him. And since we are not in a TPE relationship, I can’t always make him. But the husband sees how much fun and excitement I’m experiencing trying all these new thing with the wild thing. And it’s scary.
I’m also getting service. Not service which someone else wants to do for me. Not service that I can’t call “service.” I call it service. I tell the wild thing what I want him to do or fetch or make, and he does it. He usually does it joyfully. He is serving me in a way that is obvious and blatant and servicey. And the husband can’t or won’t serve me in such a blatant way. That’s scary.
I understood that it would be scary. It’s scary for me too. I know that the husband doesn’t always react well to his fears. I’m not the only one with a history of being used or betrayed by my lover/partner/better half. He could have run. So far he hasn’t. He could preemptively betray me to cause me to leave. As far as I know, he hasn’t. What he HAS done is be honest with me that he’s threatened now. What he HAS done is tell me slowly and in the best way he knows how, the things that are scaring him and why. And what I’ve done is try my best to make sure he knows he’s not going to lose me unless he does something ridiculously hurtful and stupid. I’m not going to leave him for any reason he doesn’t give me himself. I’ve done whatever I can to make sure he knows that I still love him. I love him more today than yesterday. And my new joy in someone else does not negate the joy I feel in him. It just gives me more joy to share with them both.
(And really I find that I’m much nicer to the people I come across in my daily life as well! It’s amazing what having your needs fulfilled can do!)