Monthly Archives: April 2014

Discovering myself

Well we’ve said it. We have made it clear to each other that we’ve moved well beyond the point where it will be easy. We had a long talk over the weekend and both mentioned that we love each other. Him, hesitantly and put in such a way that it could be a vague possibility at some point in the future. Me, clearly and with the passion of my shock and awe. I wasn’t expecting to feel this way about him, or anyone else. Ever. But now I do. It still feels strange to acknowledge it. I feel myself hesitating to tell him I love him in those moments where he has done or said something that brings all my normally suppressed emotions boiling to the surface. While I can be generous with my time, my money, my praise… I’m usually not generous with my love or my emotions. I don’t mean to hoard them, but I do. I don’t let them out of the box very often. I keep them close and feel them quietly and privately. It also feels odd to love two people at the same time in this way. Especially since they’re so very different from each other. I want to have them happy and meet their needs as best I can.

It has taken a whole lifetime, but I finally found a way that feels right to nurture. I don’t want to care for many people or things. But the two men in my life right now, I want to care for them and nurture them. Unfortunately, I fear that those two things may be somewhat mutually exclusive. Only time will tell. But for as long as I can, I will do my best to nurture and love them both. I will do what I can to meet their needs and see to their growth and happiness. They are so very different from each other. The way to nurture them looks quite different.

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This is my life: it takes all kinds

I made a comment to someone I don’t really know very well. More of an acquaintance than anything else. And barely one of those really. It’s more a friend of a friend of a friend that I only know tangentially. At any rate, it reminds me of two things:

First, I have chosen my friends very carefully. I have chosen them so carefully that we often don’t have much variance in our lifestyles or politics. There is a little bit, but not that much. For the most part, we’re similar people. It’s why we get along well. I suppose that is natural. But because of that, my world view (in an immediate sense) is somewhat limited. Yes, I do realize there is a whole wide world outside my own country. But things outside of a first world/western perspective are more of a theoretical concept than my reality.

Second, because of the first thing, I can completely forget that other people have wildly differing opinions or priorities than I (and most of my friends) do. But really it takes all kinds of opinions and priorities to make the world go round. Mine aren’t the best or only opinions or priorities. Neither are anyone else’s. But after a bit of a smack in the proverbial face, I feel a bit annoyed. (I probably shouldn’t try to be polite to relative strangers, it’s not my strong suit) But I also feel grateful for the reminder. I probably wouldn’t get that kind of water in the face in my insular world from within.

Timing is everything

I know this won’t be a forever thing. I know it’s good that it won’t be a forever thing. I don’t think the husband could share me for that long. But for now, while I can, I will love him. And I will have to let him go some day. Maybe not any time soon. I hope it won’t be any time soon. I want to enjoy him for as long as I can! But I know it’s coming. Some day. In the future, it’s out there.

He will meet someone he wants to explore his top side with. Or he will meet the woman he wants to have children with. I can’t give him either of those things. And I don’t want to even if I could. Some day he will get an offer for the job of his dreams in Kyoto or Kuala Lumpur. Or he will simply decide it’s time to move on. And he will break my heart. I can see it in the distance.

But even knowing I will have to give him up some day, I want him. Even knowing that he won’t be mine forever, I want him to be mine for as long as I can have him. Knowing he will break my heart, I will still love him while I can. And I will enjoy every moment and experience until there are no more moments or experiences left between us.

Musings on romancing me

Woo me with your suffering, your pain, and your cries. Let me hurt you how I want to, and want it too. Let me know you want to suffer for me by your every sigh and flinch and shudder when we’re playing. Flirt with me by offering me your throat for my teeth and your body as my canvas. Give me your cries and your sobs and your tears.

Seduce me with your willingness. Willingness to do what I want you to do even when you don’t really want to do it. Willingness to explore new landscapes with me. Let me take you on a journey and be willing to trust that I would never intentionally harm you. Show me that you are willing to be open with me. Show me that you are willing to be vulnerable with me. Be honest. Be fearless. Open yourself to me and know I will be open to you too. And know that I will value your honesty. Your vulnerability. Your fearlessness. Be willing to take risks with me and follow where I go.