Discovering myself

Well we’ve said it. We have made it clear to each other that we’ve moved well beyond the point where it will be easy. We had a long talk over the weekend and both mentioned that we love each other. Him, hesitantly and put in such a way that it could be a vague possibility at some point in the future. Me, clearly and with the passion of my shock and awe. I wasn’t expecting to feel this way about him, or anyone else. Ever. But now I do. It still feels strange to acknowledge it. I feel myself hesitating to tell him I love him in those moments where he has done or said something that brings all my normally suppressed emotions boiling to the surface. While I can be generous with my time, my money, my praise… I’m usually not generous with my love or my emotions. I don’t mean to hoard them, but I do. I don’t let them out of the box very often. I keep them close and feel them quietly and privately. It also feels odd to love two people at the same time in this way. Especially since they’re so very different from each other. I want to have them happy and meet their needs as best I can.

It has taken a whole lifetime, but I finally found a way that feels right to nurture. I don’t want to care for many people or things. But the two men in my life right now, I want to care for them and nurture them. Unfortunately, I fear that those two things may be somewhat mutually exclusive. Only time will tell. But for as long as I can, I will do my best to nurture and love them both. I will do what I can to meet their needs and see to their growth and happiness. They are so very different from each other. The way to nurture them looks quite different.


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