From a writing by Raven Kaldera on Fetlife:
You can imagine what my slave thought of this mindset. It drove him crazy. “Why are you doing this?” he would yell at me. “Do you think it’s benefiting me? Well, it’s not! I am in no way better for it! I’m just as frustrated as you are, and no better off! Don’t try to justify it because you think it’s helping me!” He would beg me, again and again, to be more selfish. Please, I want to give this to you. I see how hungry you are for it, how you starve yourself. I want to be the one who can give this to you. I want to be the one to whom you can say, “Shut up, bitch,” and I don’t mind at all. I want to be the one who will give up the last of my precious lo mein for you just because you want it, who will inconvenience themselves again and again on your whim. I want to believe I’m sturdy enough to take it. It will feed me to feed this part of you.
The discussion is about being able to be selfish. For a very long time, I’ve struggled with receiving service. Partially, this is because the Husband struggles with service. Or he used to. If I defined something as “service” then he balked or refused. That meant that I couldn’t label anything as service and I also couldn’t ask for many of the things I wanted to ask for. And on the occasions I was able to insinuate or suggest that I might like for him to do this thing… you know… if he had nothing better to do right now… his non-kinky-play-related service was largely contingent on my doing something else that he found worthwhile during the time he was cooking/cleaning/serving. So wiping down the kitchen counters while he cleans the toilet? Ok. Setting up for a scene while he folds the laundry? Maybe. Taking a nap while he mops the floor? Probably not. Playing a video game while he mows the lawn? Definitely not ok. Now, I know not everyone is a service submissive. That’s fine. But I also kept wanting to ask for things. So I started to think I either needed a service submissive or I started to doubt my own dominance since I wasn’t asking for things I wanted. It was complicated, and I’m beyond happy that situation has changed.
But to say I had a complicated relationship with service of any kind was an understatement. (Except for house cleaning or yard care because those are things I just really despise.)
I also know I can be selfish and lazy. Very selfish and lazy. And I struggled with finding some kind of acceptable (in my own head) balance between being completely selfish/lazy and not being able to expect that my submissive will do the things I ask for. So when I read Raven Kaldera’s slave’s reaction to his lack of selfishness… it practically made me want to jump up and down shouting, “This!!! This is what I crave!” I want someone who knows I can be extremely selfish. I want someone who will get up from what they are doing to go pour me a drink just because I want him to and I’m thirsty. Someone who will give me the last of his lo mein because I want it. Someone who wants to be inconvenienced for my desires. Because sometimes my desires are inconveniences. I want it to feed something in him. Something that will make him feel stronger or better or happier for having done these things for me. I want someone who is thrilled beyond words that I can be selfish and lazy. Someone for whom it goes beyond letting him do things he thinks I might like or want. Someone I can ask to be giving and industrious on my behalf.