Monthly Archives: December 2014

30 Days of Kink: 26 – 30

This went significantly longer than 30 days! But finally, the last installment.

26. What’s your opinion of online BDSM play?

I think it’s not at all the same as playing in person. There is a very different feel to a scene where someone else is administering the pain/bondage/etc. Yes, the bottom can always (at least in theory) stop the scene with a safeword when playing in person. However, when playing online, it’s as easy as simply stopping since the other person is not there to prevent it. In addition to that, another person doesn’t know exactly how it feels in the moment to be tied/flogged/spanked/etc, and s/he is going to be the one doing the actions. When administering pain or bondage to yourself, you can simply not hit quite as hard (or hit a bit harder) to get the desired (by you) result. The top is usually going to hit harder/softer to get the reaction (or desired result) s/he wants. All that being said, I wouldn’t go so far (as I’ve seen others do) as to call online play “fake.” It’s real, it’s simply different.

27. Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

In an extremely roundabout way… I enjoy reading, so researching new techniques or new ways of structuring relationships can be fun! I also need to know a fair amount about human anatomy for my work, so that has come in handy on several occasions.

28. How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

What I wear runs the gamut from a leather corset over a latex catsuit with 6″ heel boots to… playing totally naked. It really depends on where I’ll be and what I’m doing. Sometimes the venue has a dress code, which I will abide by. That is often defined as “something kinky.” Often one can’t show nipples, genitals, or butt crack at the more public fetish events. At home, I still might wear boots (there can be no boot worship without boots) or latex (I find the dressing & shining process quite erotic) or other kinky clothes. If I’m going to be crawling around on a bed or the floor (if I’m going to do a significant amount of floor rigging or I’m going to be sexing up my play partner) then I am most likely not going to be wearing the boots or corsets. I’m much more likely to be naked or nearly naked. So I’d say that some of the clothing is significant in that it is a kink of mine either directly (boot worship) or indirectly (I love shiny clothing such as latex or pvc), it certainly isn’t necessary for me to enjoy some fun kinky times!

29. Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

I don’t have any attachment to any title. The one quirk I have in regards to titles is not appreciating anyone who isn’t my property calling me master or mistress. Other than that, I am fine with anything from my name to Grand High Mistress of Everything! Though the last one might cause me to burst into laughter. I also don’t particularly care if others want to use titles. As long as they understand that I, and anyone I own, may or may not choose to use them.

30. Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Sometimes, it’s good to remember things…

Like just because I’m the dominant partner, it doesn’t mean that I get everything I want. Or get to do everything I want. And that’s generally fine. Sometimes I still don’t get what I want because what I want isn’t in the best interest of my partner(s). Sometimes I have to make the call that nobody is going to get what they want because that’s what is best for everyone. Sometimes I don’t get what I want because there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. Sometimes I don’t get what I want because I chose to sacrifice that in favor of getting to have a wonderful relationship that has other benefits than “This person/these people will be able to give me everything I want.” Sometimes I don’t get what I want because physics or nature simply don’t allow for it. Sometimes that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. But you know what all those things have in common? I am still the one making the call about whether or not I’m getting everything I want. (Except for the physics/nature issue. And if I could change that, I really would.)

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30 Days of Kink: 21 – 25

21. Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)?

I’ve read a few official kink books and they were… decent. There is a series of books by Anne Bishop, The Black Jewels books, which is vaguely female dom/male sub oriented. I enjoyed the books, but don’t think they are a very good representation of what most BDSM relationships are like. Especially since they involve magic!

22. What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I’m not sure it differs much from a vanilla relationship really. The only difference is that I think there are more (kink/BDSM) needs which must also be fulfilled. So there are more chances that something might fall between the cracks if one isn’t paying attention or gets too bogged down with other life stuff.

23. Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

Just about everything has changed. I thought I was slave material. I’m not. Then I thought I was only a sadist with no interest in domination. I was wrong. There are so many things that I thought I’d never be interested in or turned on by. But I am. I thought I’d never find a partner that would meet even half my kinky needs. But I have. I thought so many things. Now I’m just trying to keep up with all the changing perspectives and interests!

24. What qualities do you look for in a partner?

I look for the same things I’d look for in a vanilla partner. In addition to “the usual” things like honesty, intelligence, and that sort of thing… I enjoy men (and it does need to be a genetic male or a transwoman whose penis is still functional and she’s still willing to use it) who are submissive masochists. Nothing else will do.

25. How open are you about your kinks?

Within the kink community, I’m quite open. There are almost no things I am not open about. I do have some… different fantasies that I’ve only shared with one person. They are physically impossible, so they will never happen unless science as we know it ceases to exist. I have some other… darker fantasies that I don’t share with very many people outside of my inner inner circle. Otherwise, I am an open book. Outside the kink community, I don’t bring it up nor do I participate in many conversations with vanilla people about my kinks. I will talk to my (few) vanilla friends. But I certainly don’t volunteer my kinks to strangers or people I don’t know. Even so, I’m much more “out” about my kinks that the Husband likes. He’d prefer if I never mentioned anything about our poly or kink lifestyle to anyone ever. But I am a horrible liar. So the best I can usually do is to make noncommittal noises or avoid the conversation entirely.

Musings on markings

From a writing on Fetlife by Girl_Named_Bill:

We didn’t know what we were doing (or what we were trying to do) had a name. And we didn’t know we were allowed to like it. We thought we were supposed to be ashamed. We just knew that there was this intense need to spend as much time as possible alone together in a place where we could safely and privately smash into each other.

I read this and was so sad that it took me half a lifetime to find someone that I want to smash into. The post also speaks of his desire to mark her. I have that. I want the entire world to know he’s MINE. I wish I could scream it from the rooftops. I wish I could tell the whole world: this one, you cannot have because he is MINE. I want to mark his flesh and I want to mark his soul. I want to smash into him. Overpower him. Take him down and claim a part of him that rests so deep inside that he didn’t even know it was there.

It’s terrible. I shouldn’t want this. Not because it’s inherently wrong, but because I know he won’t me mine forever. The intensity and passion and ownership will all be gone some day. And even knowing that, I still want to own a part of his soul. It’s irresponsible. It’s selfish. I still want it. I can’t help but want it. He said to me that his greatest fear is that this will be the best relationship of his life. I don’t think it will be. He’ll find someone that is and even better fit for him. Someone who can give him all of the things he needs that I can’t give him. I told him it won’t be. What I didn’t tell him is that I’m fairly certain that at this point in my life, I won’t have that same luxury.

30 Days of Kink: 16 – 20

16. What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

I really reduces the pool of potential partners. Not that my pool was ever that large, because I’m already quite particular about what I like. But adding in that I must also have a submissive masochist really takes that pool down to almost zero. It took me half an average lifetime to find someone compatible, and I consider even that to be a miracle.

17. What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

We’re just regular people. We’re not some murder waiting to happen. Nor are we aliens. We’re your sons and daughters. Your librarian. Your waiter. Your doctor. We’re the little old lady waiting at the bus stop. You can’t tell us from anyone else because we are just regular people.

18. Any kink/BDSM pet peeves?

My biggest pet peeves are the one twue wayisms. The ones that irritate me the most are that the only good dominant/top/sadist is one who has spent time as a submissive/bottom/masochist & that penetration is automatically a submissive act.

19. Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?

Given that kinks of any kind didn’t even figure into my thought process until I stumbled into it… It has improved my life in almost every possible way. I am much more fulfilled knowing what actually works for me and my relationships. And, of course, my sex life went from boring to amazing!

20. Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

Well… I’m not sure that it’s really what the question had in mind, but I’m really curious what makes willingness. Why is the Wild Thing willing to submit to things he really doesn’t want to do because it makes me happy? Why am I not willing to do that? Where does it come from? Is it nature or nurture? Some combination of both? Is it hard wired from birth or can it be changed/learned?