Monthly Archives: January 2015

Nobody can’t get no satisfaction (sometimes)

The problem (aside from not getting nearly enough of it) with having sexual experiences so shockingly exceptional is… that it can become a craving. And anything less can seem undesirable. This isn’t to say that I don’t treasure that night. I do. I wouldn’t change it or give it up for the world. If I had it to do over again, I’d do the same thing. But now I have this odd love/hate relationship with sex when it comes to the Wild Thing. I hope for something transcendent again. Every time. But I also fear I’ll never feel that again.

The other problem is that I am now giving something (partially de-kinked sex*) to the Wild Thing that I don’t seem to be able to manage with the Husband. It isn’t for lack of trying. It’s just that they are two different men and I have two different dynamics with them. I’ve given it some thought. My current conclusion is that my dynamic with the Husband includes a very healthy dose of S/m. And for him, sex is intrinsically linked with pain of some sort. Emotional, physical, both. So though he tells me he wants vanilla sex. Lovemaking. No kink. His cock won’t cooperate with that idea in his head.

And really, neither of these are gargantuan problems. I still manage to fuck the Wild Thing whenever I get the chance. Sometimes it’s transcendent. Sometimes it’s merely wonderful. And while it probably looks like “lovemaking” or “non-kinky” sex to the Husband, it isn’t. *The D/s dynamic permeates every interaction the Wild Thing and I have, including sex. So whether it’s transporting me across the universe or just across the room and into bed, my sex with the Wild Thing is D/s sex. It isn’t vanilla by a long shot.

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Doing it wrong: bottoming isn’t submitting and there’s nothing wrong with that (except when one calls it submitting)

Sit down and get ideas of your sub – make a list of what drives him to the edge. Then you can add little bits on from that. ie he wants you to play with his erection and you want your house clean – so order him to clean your house but keep your hands on his naked body so he is constantly aroused. win win situation

I havent had a women dom me but i once did a dare that my female flatmates jump for joy.
It invovled 2 of us walking into the corner store which was located next to us with 1 female all dressed up -ie hair up make up sun glass heels and acting like a controlling bitch with her nose in the air type of thing – and me nude and erect. I also had a leash tied around my balls which she led me by.
Now we didnt go into this cold – I had one of my flatmates ask the woman in the shop if this was going to be okay the day before and ask if she wanted to add anything to the scenario. She was fine with it.
I loved the embarrassment i felt and the fear of what if someone else came into the store. I never shook so much in my life.”

 

This is an answer (unedited) from a man who lists himself as a submissive man on Fetlife to a question from a new dominant woman looking for some ideas for a fun playtime. On the surface, it is good advice. It’s advice that’s given quite a lot. But for me, it falls short. It’s missing the part where the dominant gets to think about what she wants and enact those ideas. The more usual advice is for the parties to get a kink checklist and go over it together. In the above model, the ideas all stem from the submissive (or, in my opinion the bottom, not the submissive) partner. Now, in a Top/bottom relationship it can work beautifully.

However, in a Dominant/submissive relationship, it can leave one or both partners unsatisfied. When the impetus or ideas stem from the submissive, he or she is the one making the action. I have been there. In this equation, the dominant is following the direction of the submissive. That basically turns the dynamic on its head. Sure she’s going to be allowed to “add to it.” But that’s just window dressing. He’s the one creating the scene. That works if she doesn’t want the authority to create the action and if he wants to retain the authority to create the scene. But for the dominant woman who wants to create her own scenes, it’s not very fulfilling. It’s frustrating.

I’m not saying that a dominant can’t or shouldn’t take the submissive’s desires and needs into consideration. I think it’s important for a dominant to know what needs the submissive has. Everyone deserves to have their needs met by their chosen relationship(s). But my point is that a major need for a dominant person is to be able to have authority. And the compliment to that is that a submissive person has a major need to relinquish authority. Sure, it might or might not include everything (or anything) having to do with play. But, in my honest opinion, when it doesn’t? It’s in the realm of Top/bottom and not Dominant/submissive. If it’s a spade, call it a spade.

And my real frustration with the idea of that comment is how incredibly common it is. It’s so common (at least in my experiences with both reading online and in person negotiation) that a male submissive expects that what he wants during play will be what happens. Sure, there may be other things that happen (within reason, of course). But the things he wants will happen. It is so common that it’s rare when I don’t encounter it. And it can be confusing and annoying to women who are dominant. Those who are expecting to be able to call the shots. I’m not shocked that so many new female dominants simply give up. Quit trying. Run away from it all. If I hadn’t come into the kink scene how I had, I probably would have run too.

Bottom line is that I think we would retain a lot more female dominants (and it seems to be quite the complaint of submissive men… not nearly enough dominant women) if we called a spade a spade. Much less frustration. Much more understanding. (And I’m leaving that entire last paragraph alone since it sounds like utter fantasy, and if it isn’t then he’s incredibly lucky he wasn’t arrested.)

This is my life: A night like any other

We had been together for several days already. There had been opportunities, but I’d passed them up. It didn’t seem quite the moment. He was not in his usual happy mood. I was waiting. I had him do some cooking, which usually cheers him up. It seemed to bring back some of his usual cheerful demeanor, but it didn’t last. I had given him some chores. That helped temporarily as well. He even asked if there was more he could do. But eventually, I was tired of waiting for that perfect moment.

I stripped him. I bound him. I started biting and flogging him. He began crying with the flogging. I had been expecting that. He’d been in a melancholy mood. His emotions close to the surface. I soon gave up the flogger for the whips. I began to hurt him in earnest. He sobbed. I put a towel down at his feet so he could drool, spit, sputter, anything. And he did. I gave him tissues and sips of water. I continued to whip him til his legs were collapsing and his back was bloody.

As his legs gave out, it was starting to pull on his wrists. His arms stretched overhead to their limit. So I took the cuffs off. And kept going. I placed my foot near his hand so he could touch me if he wanted to. Or needed to. He did. Eventually I decided he’d had enough. He was sobbing on the ground in a small pile of beautiful, bloody, submissive flesh. I put the whip down and laid on the ground beside him. He reached for me with a sweet desperation. I probably shouldn’t love that. But I do. It’s one of my favorite parts of our play. He needs to feel me. Feel me surrounding him with my arms and my acceptance and my love. He needs it like air. And I love him all the more for his unabashed neediness.

This time was different though. His sobbing was less heaving and more choking tears. It felt different to me as well. I asked him about it and my suspicions were confirmed. He didn’t experience the same moving kind of catharsis he usually does when I whip him that hard. I was hoping for that catharsis for him. That letting go and purging of emotions. But it doesn’t seem to work that way for him. Actually, it’s never worked that way for anyone I’ve played with. I begin to wonder if that “I will beat you because you need to let go!” is just a myth. I think the thing that helped the most was our being together. But maybe his being able to serve me by cooking, cleaning, and meeting my sadistic needs was more help than I think. I’ll have to ask him after more time has passed and he has some distance from it.