Doing it wrong: bottoming isn’t submitting and there’s nothing wrong with that (except when one calls it submitting)

Sit down and get ideas of your sub – make a list of what drives him to the edge. Then you can add little bits on from that. ie he wants you to play with his erection and you want your house clean – so order him to clean your house but keep your hands on his naked body so he is constantly aroused. win win situation

I havent had a women dom me but i once did a dare that my female flatmates jump for joy.
It invovled 2 of us walking into the corner store which was located next to us with 1 female all dressed up -ie hair up make up sun glass heels and acting like a controlling bitch with her nose in the air type of thing – and me nude and erect. I also had a leash tied around my balls which she led me by.
Now we didnt go into this cold – I had one of my flatmates ask the woman in the shop if this was going to be okay the day before and ask if she wanted to add anything to the scenario. She was fine with it.
I loved the embarrassment i felt and the fear of what if someone else came into the store. I never shook so much in my life.”


This is an answer (unedited) from a man who lists himself as a submissive man on Fetlife to a question from a new dominant woman looking for some ideas for a fun playtime. On the surface, it is good advice. It’s advice that’s given quite a lot. But for me, it falls short. It’s missing the part where the dominant gets to think about what she wants and enact those ideas. The more usual advice is for the parties to get a kink checklist and go over it together. In the above model, the ideas all stem from the submissive (or, in my opinion the bottom, not the submissive) partner. Now, in a Top/bottom relationship it can work beautifully.

However, in a Dominant/submissive relationship, it can leave one or both partners unsatisfied. When the impetus or ideas stem from the submissive, he or she is the one making the action. I have been there. In this equation, the dominant is following the direction of the submissive. That basically turns the dynamic on its head. Sure she’s going to be allowed to “add to it.” But that’s just window dressing. He’s the one creating the scene. That works if she doesn’t want the authority to create the action and if he wants to retain the authority to create the scene. But for the dominant woman who wants to create her own scenes, it’s not very fulfilling. It’s frustrating.

I’m not saying that a dominant can’t or shouldn’t take the submissive’s desires and needs into consideration. I think it’s important for a dominant to know what needs the submissive has. Everyone deserves to have their needs met by their chosen relationship(s). But my point is that a major need for a dominant person is to be able to have authority. And the compliment to that is that a submissive person has a major need to relinquish authority. Sure, it might or might not include everything (or anything) having to do with play. But, in my honest opinion, when it doesn’t? It’s in the realm of Top/bottom and not Dominant/submissive. If it’s a spade, call it a spade.

And my real frustration with the idea of that comment is how incredibly common it is. It’s so common (at least in my experiences with both reading online and in person negotiation) that a male submissive expects that what he wants during play will be what happens. Sure, there may be other things that happen (within reason, of course). But the things he wants will happen. It is so common that it’s rare when I don’t encounter it. And it can be confusing and annoying to women who are dominant. Those who are expecting to be able to call the shots. I’m not shocked that so many new female dominants simply give up. Quit trying. Run away from it all. If I hadn’t come into the kink scene how I had, I probably would have run too.

Bottom line is that I think we would retain a lot more female dominants (and it seems to be quite the complaint of submissive men… not nearly enough dominant women) if we called a spade a spade. Much less frustration. Much more understanding. (And I’m leaving that entire last paragraph alone since it sounds like utter fantasy, and if it isn’t then he’s incredibly lucky he wasn’t arrested.)


3 responses to “Doing it wrong: bottoming isn’t submitting and there’s nothing wrong with that (except when one calls it submitting)

  1. I think there are so many different levels of submission that it’s hard to break each one down into it’s own category, but it’s true. there is topping from the bottom and there are spades, Then there are slaves and everything in between.
    It’s really what the couple wants. if a man wants to top from the bottom, then he needs to find a woman willing to do that.
    I get excited doing whatever it is that excites her. I like it when she comes up with the ideas, not me. If you want to do what excites you, then that’s not a spade type relationship, but it’s still a submissive relationship. I think he may still be submissive, but labeling needs to be better. There should be a label called submissive (spade), submissive (TFB), submissive (slave) and so on. The BDSM world is growing, and not just in size but in creativeness. It wont me long before those labels are put in place.
    I think presentation with any Kink will chase people away if not done properly. Being kinky and open is becoming more public and with this, a better understanding of what people want will come with it.

    • “There should be a label called submissive (spade), submissive (TFB), submissive (slave) and so on.”

      I believe that bottoming and submitting are categorically different. To me, submission means giving up authority/control to someone else. Therefore, topping from the bottom and submitting are mutually exclusive events. Now don’t get me wrong! I think bottoming is great! It just isn’t the same thing as submitting. I am also in agreement with you that as it becomes more public and accessible, people are finding better ways to differentiate and discuss these things. For me, I think distinguishing between submission and bottoming is a part of that. And an important one!

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