Monthly Archives: May 2015

Musings from a very odd week

I think I’ve been doing a little bit too much experiencing and not enough actual doing. It is a large part of my nature to experience. But experiencing isn’t the same as doing things. It’s been a strange week. Not at all a bad week. But a strange one. So many random things have come out of this week.

I am much more emotional than I’d like to be. By that, what I mean is not that I wish to be a robotic person who doesn’t experience emotions. Emotions are a part of the human experience unless one is sociopathic. But my emotions lately are overwhelming and close to the surface. So calm is a thing of my past. My current reality is that I am in a continuous emotional storm that I’m having trouble adjusting to. To continue my sailing analogy, I’m in the middle of a gale almost continually so I spend all my time running madly around the ship trying to adjust the sails so the boat doesn’t sink. It isn’t a comfortable place to be. It isn’t a place I’d like to stay. My emotions are running the show most of the time. I don’t like it.

I am also extremely frustrated by getting older. One of the things about having younger partners is that I am often reminded that I’m no longer a twentysomething. Or a thirtysomething. And we’ll just stop there. But this last year has been the first year where my physical body has undergone the kind of changes that seem to come with the aging process. As a result, I am now feeling betrayed by my own body. Where once we were a team, working together to get the things done that I either wanted or needed to do… now we feel like enemies. I want or need to do a thing, and my body won’t let me. It’s incredibly disheartening. Logically, I knew the day would come when I would be “old,” I just didn’t expect it to be quite this soon. And I find myself resentful. I still have the desire to do all the things. I just can’t do a lot of them any more. Wasn’t I supposed to lose my sex drive and my desire to do all the “wild youth” things by now?

I am also coming to a changing point yet again in looking at what I can and can’t do … what I do and don’t need from a D/s and kink perspective. I think that 24/7 is no longer an option, now it is a need. And I also think that I need more life skills. If I’m going to be responsible for one or more people (and I am coming to believe that is what it’s going to come to) on a more or less daily basis, then I need to be much more certain that I have the skills to back it up. Time to get off the proverbial sofa and beef up my economic house. Being debt free & having a small savings isn’t enough any more. I need to get some knowledge about things like investing and retirement planning. One medical emergency or home issue could easily eat up my entire savings and leave me unable to provide for loved ones. Reality check. Adulthood sometimes sucks.

Musings on capitalism: Inspiration not thinspiration

This lady is pretty amazing. She’s working on a PhD in Human Sexuality Studies, and I am finding her videos are inspiring me to get off my bum and go back to school. There are just so many things we could do better with as society! And since we seem to be a society (at least in the Western/Eurocentric world) that responds well to science… people who are doing work in these fields can potentially make a huge difference in how we live our lives. She is a body image activist. Listening to some of her videos reminds me how lucky I am to be a woman who knows she has value other than how she looks.

Meet Melissa Fabello.

This is my life: Surprise!

Dear Husband,

What the actual fuck? Why do I find out by logging on to Fetlife that you have changed your role from submissive to unsure & are possibly going to a party in another state… when you are not allowed to go to parties without me? This is why we can’t have nice things.* Please stop your passive aggressive bullshit forthwith.

Sincerely,

Your rather pissed off and confused wife/Dominant

*You wonder why I feel more easy in my D/s relationship with the Wild Thing? Why I have him doing things you want to do with me? Because of things like this. First A, then B, then C, and on and on. If I can’t get B then I can’t ask for C. You know this about me. I don’t know why you are so shocked that my D/s relationship with the Wild Thing is progressing more quickly than ours has in over a decade.

Musings on body image from a very personal perspective

One of my Fetlife friends had a child and got a whole new (larger) body as a result. This isn’t uncommon. I think most women expect that after pregnancy, their body will never be the same. But living it can be a whole different story. Her husband spends almost all his (visible) time on Fetlife loving pictures of very thin young women. His wife is suffering from some terrible self esteem issues right now. I can see it in her posts and their increasingly depressed tone. I can understand where she’s coming from.

They are participating in a fairly public site (in the sense that a large portion of what we do with our Fetlife profiles is visible to friends via our friends feed) that is full of all kinds of naked bodies. And I think that is part of what is bothering her. All kinds. Of all the naked bodies on the site, her husband spends his time loving pictures of naked women… who look nothing like her new, larger body. They don’t play together. And when I see them at the same event, it’s rarely together. They are socializing separately.

I feel her pain. Though I don’t feel at odds with my body now, I have in the past. And we all still have our good days and our bad when it comes to self esteem in relation to our appearance. I have also undergone a relatively sudden body change that caused me to gain a lot of weight rather suddenly then not be able to lose it. And I didn’t even get a kid out of it! It can throw your self-perception for a loop when the person looking back at you from the mirror is not someone you recognize.

I’m all for gaining self esteem from the self. But sometimes we can use a bit of help. Society is hard on almost everyone. When our lovers don’t seem to find us attractive any more, it hurts. And it certainly doesn’t help to boost flagging self esteem.

There was that point several years ago when my body suddenly changed. I happened to find The Husband’s porn stash. (Largely because he left it running on his computer when he left for work and it was somewhat… loud!) I have never been a consumer of porn, so I decided it might be interesting to see what he was into and if it was something we could do together. It was interesting. (In that some of the things therein were things I could see myself adapting to be more realistically doable, but don’t get me started on how horrid most femdom porn is) But it also became increasingly distressing. Even the still pictures were all of these slender women with large implants who looked nothing like me.

Much like the sheer variety on Fetlife, porn offers something for everyone. If one wants to find BBW porn, it’s out there. The Husband didn’t have any. I questioned if he actually found my body attractive. This was exacerbated by the fact that I have a very specific “type” that I find attractive. And I have almost never deviated from that type since I first considered boys as more than friends. So it is hard for me to contemplate people being attracted to all physical appearances equally. I have now spoken about it to enough people to think that I’m probably actually the minority. But still…

When I talked to The Husband about it, he said he simply clicked on things he thought were sexy and never thought much about it. (This didn’t help at all, by the way. Did I mention that BBW porn is fairly easy to find on almost any porn site?) We went round and round about it. He didn’t get why I was bothered by this. I tried to explain my feelings and my reasons for thinking he didn’t find me attractive any more. He still didn’t get it. He kept reassuring me that he just went with what he saw and he wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me.

Well I should hope he wasn’t!

Finally, I asked him what he thought about all the hunky action movie stars. Arnold Schwarzenegger types with a 6 pack and legs the size of a small tree. I did it in the bathroom intentionally. I brought up several more popular actors. I noticed him starting to look at his own body and realize that he was fairly far from that “ideal.” I did this to approximate the message that women are constantly barraged with every moment of every day that if you aren’t young, thin, tan, and enhanced… you are not attractive. I spoke at great length about how my girlfriends were always going on and on about this gorgeous Hollywood actor or another. How the bubblebutt of one actor was stacked up against the bulging biceps of another. I could see him getting a bit more uncomfortable.

I asked him how he would feel if he found a large stash of pictures or pornos featuring exclusively men who looked like that on my computer.

He immediately reminded me that I have always maintained I don’t find that attractive at all. (He’s right, I don’t. And I’m pretty honest about that.)

I said yes. I am always telling you that I think you are handsome. That I think your body is attractive. Now how would you feel finding that porn stash on my computer?

He finally got it.

It was such a departure from what he had always told me he liked. It raised a flood of doubt at a time when I was learning to love a new body.

I hope my Fetlife friend finds the love of her body that I did. I also hope she can find a way to discuss her body issues with her husband. And I hope she can do it in a way that he eventually gets it. And that he can help her love her new body.

And if he doesn’t get it or doesn’t love her new body, that they can let each other go. Because there are tons of men who do find her body beautiful. And she deserves to be with someone who thinks she’s gorgeous.

Musings on my mono/poly relationships

I have been thinking lately about my inability to share my partners. I am trying to determine exactly where my possessiveness stems from. I certainly understand the concept of caring deeply for more than one person. I understand it in a romantic love way. I love more than one person and it doesn’t diminish my love for either of them that I love them both. I have tried sharing my partners before and it has never ended well. I end up disengaging whether that was my intent or not. But why?

Why can I care so deeply for more than one person but I can’t seem to tolerate it in my partners? I know part of it is time. I require a lot of time and effort. (I also give a lot of time and effort back to my partners, but that is beside the point.) Modern living means most people have a job or are in school, or both. Perhaps they have a child or two on top of their other time commitments. This kind of lifestyle leaves little time for anything else. That is one reason I never chose to have children of my own. I require a lot of time from my partner. (And I want to give a lot of time to my partner as well.)

The Husband works. He works quite a bit. This limits the time he can spend on me and serving my needs. I want him to work since he finds his career (for the most part) to be fulfilling. But it takes time. And time is a finite commodity. The Wild Thing has school. That also limits his time. We met before he started school, and it was an ideal situation for me from a time perspective. That is how much time I prefer to have from a partner.

Even with 2 partners, I often feel I’m not getting enough time with either of them. I can’t imagine either of them adding even a single other important relationship without it negatively impacting the time I want to have with them. The only way I could see that working out is if they let go of another major time commitment like… school or work or friendships. And that just isn’t practical. Plus I don’t think it would be healthy for them. So a bit part is that I fear (almost certainly a realistic fear) that the lack of quality time with them would cause me to be unhappy and pull myself back from the relationship.

I also fear sexually transmitted diseases. I fear them with an unholy passion. I have never had one. This might be one of the reasons for my fear of them. From what I understand, many of them are simply not a big deal. But. I functionally don’t have insurance. I do. But it’s at the catastrophic level. Which means I’m paying for the insurance, but I still basically pay for all my medical treatments and appointments out of pocket. My sti testing so that I could begin a sexual relationship with the Wild Thing cost me $600. I don’t want to think about what it might cost me to get rid of any sti. Or worse, if I manage to contract one that I can’t actually get rid of. I can afford the occasional trip to the doctor and dentist. But I can’t afford any kind of extra medical issues.

I know how easy it is for something to go wrong with safer sex. Sometimes the condom/barrier breaks or comes off. It happens. (Not to mention that condoms/barriers don’t even protect against some stis.) And the possible chain of people I would be sleeping with via my partner’s partners just makes things exponentially more frightening to me. And that doesn’t even take into consideration that my partner’s partner’s partner’s partner’s partner might not be as educated or careful as I am and require my partners to be. The lack of education on how an sti might be spread is probably even more frightening to me than thinking about the partner chain. I don’t want to deal with an sti and I don’t want my partners to have to deal with an sti that I have contracted because my other partner contracted something and we didn’t realize it until too late. Regular testing only goes so far. And did I mention how much it costs me to get tested?

And, of course, there’s the big bad fear that most people have about loved ones. The fear of losing them. It seems odd in a poly relationship. I mean, the whole point is that one relationship doesn’t preclude having other relationships! Yet the fear persists for most people. I think part of this thinking stems from how indoctrinated we are that one romantic relationship does preclude any other romantic relationships. So, do I have it. In a way I do.

Reality is that there is never any guarantee that someone will remain in your life or in love with you. Ever. No. Guarantee. None. But we tend to think that there is some guarantee. It’s hard to let go of that. But there just isn’t. And even feeling as strongly as I do that there isn’t a guarantee, I still hate the idea that someone I love might be ready to move on when I am not. Ending things hurts even when I am ready. So I do have that fear. The fear of loss. Though I have it no matter how many partners I have. Even when it’s one partner.

So is this something that I fear that is adding to my possessiveness? The jury is still out.