Musings from a very odd week

I think I’ve been doing a little bit too much experiencing and not enough actual doing. It is a large part of my nature to experience. But experiencing isn’t the same as doing things. It’s been a strange week. Not at all a bad week. But a strange one. So many random things have come out of this week.

I am much more emotional than I’d like to be. By that, what I mean is not that I wish to be a robotic person who doesn’t experience emotions. Emotions are a part of the human experience unless one is sociopathic. But my emotions lately are overwhelming and close to the surface. So calm is a thing of my past. My current reality is that I am in a continuous emotional storm that I’m having trouble adjusting to. To continue my sailing analogy, I’m in the middle of a gale almost continually so I spend all my time running madly around the ship trying to adjust the sails so the boat doesn’t sink. It isn’t a comfortable place to be. It isn’t a place I’d like to stay. My emotions are running the show most of the time. I don’t like it.

I am also extremely frustrated by getting older. One of the things about having younger partners is that I am often reminded that I’m no longer a twentysomething. Or a thirtysomething. And we’ll just stop there. But this last year has been the first year where my physical body has undergone the kind of changes that seem to come with the aging process. As a result, I am now feeling betrayed by my own body. Where once we were a team, working together to get the things done that I either wanted or needed to do… now we feel like enemies. I want or need to do a thing, and my body won’t let me. It’s incredibly disheartening. Logically, I knew the day would come when I would be “old,” I just didn’t expect it to be quite this soon. And I find myself resentful. I still have the desire to do all the things. I just can’t do a lot of them any more. Wasn’t I supposed to lose my sex drive and my desire to do all the “wild youth” things by now?

I am also coming to a changing point yet again in looking at what I can and can’t do … what I do and don’t need from a D/s and kink perspective. I think that 24/7 is no longer an option, now it is a need. And I also think that I need more life skills. If I’m going to be responsible for one or more people (and I am coming to believe that is what it’s going to come to) on a more or less daily basis, then I need to be much more certain that I have the skills to back it up. Time to get off the proverbial sofa and beef up my economic house. Being debt free & having a small savings isn’t enough any more. I need to get some knowledge about things like investing and retirement planning. One medical emergency or home issue could easily eat up my entire savings and leave me unable to provide for loved ones. Reality check. Adulthood sometimes sucks.


3 responses to “Musings from a very odd week

  1. Find a group of women who are your age or older who have the same kinks you have (could be difficult) and share your concerns. Don’t make excuses for” no time for this” . Find another women you trust. Just talking it it out is so healing. You are not alone. By reaching out you will discover so many resources. I GET the awesome responsibility it must be for a dominant women like you. Consider harnessing the resources you already have in your man. I’m much older than you and it is ESSENTIAL that you get health insurance at any cost if you are over 50. I never smoked or drank. I eat good food and my 71 year old body is in very good shape. It’s never too late to start taking care of yourself. you will need to if you are to take care of your submissive husband. My wife was a dominant women (older than me) and she just died of cancer. You can’t leave a man who you have turned into you child…. believe me. You need to make sure he takes good care of you for the both of you!!!! Take time to love yourself, you ARE remarkable.

    My good deed for the day.

    • First, let me say that I’m not sure where you get the idea that I have no health insurance. I have it. However, medical emergencies can be quite expensive. As I’m sure you know if you have dealt with cancer treatments. Also, my condolences. It is a brutal disease. Anyhow, insurance doesn’t always cover as much as we might like. So I think it would be wise to plan ahead. Then a worst case scenario might not be so… worst! I have actually started on this already. Less thinking. More doing!

      Also, I am not in a Mommy/little dynamic. My partners are both younger than I am, but they are not looking to be fully dependent on me. They are looking to submit, yes. But not to become my child. The way my dynamics work do require that they be willing to be responsible and functional adults. So no worries there. If I should die before them, I expect they will be perfectly fine! And even if I end up in a TPE with them, I would still expect that they be capable of managing their own lives without me if needed. I just want to be able to provide for myself and them if I had to.

      And I do have older friends. Some of them are also dominant and women. I’m not actually sure what that bit was in reference to. Perhaps I come across as not having any friends. Which isn’t true. I am particular, so I will certainly own not having many friends. But I do have some! And yes, it is wonderful to have people I can whine to or share my joy with!

  2. Gigi Playablanco

    I am completely shitsmacked by this exact issue! I’m only in my forties. About 6 or 7 years ago, l completely dried up, my size A breasts shriveled to hanging threads, my gut blew up like a pregnant cow, the hemorrhoids fell out of my ass as it fell to my knees & my career vaporized like snow in July, all at the same time. As a high ranking exec in my accounting career, l supported my husband & we lived high, very high. When my six figures vanished, so did our home, six cars, his daughters, our parents & our future retirements. I’ve since aged so badly, he is now working outside the home, exhausted,& can’t get even a boner. We haven’t had a good session since l started getting sick about a decade ago. He’s in his seventies, healthier than l was a decade ago. Our switch has been far too drastic for either of us to endure. When we married, l was 24, he needed a lion & l needed a tamer. We were so happy, it WAS PERFECT and everything l could never have asked for. He supported my desire for career, helped me invest, taught me well. Thanks to my illnesses, the savings, retirements, etc all spent. Safe to say the career killed me. I should’ve never let him sacrifice what he did, l never should’ve let him love me so much. It’s killing both of us now. When he passes on, the ins will half cover the mortgage on our trailer. That mansion we had on the ocean is now being rented out by the new owner for 4x what husband makes working. When we lived there, it was our sandcastle. I hope l pass before my husband does. I’m selfish.
    We do the best we can with what we have. We live on credit, pay the ins & mortgage, pay extra for docs outside health plan who care properly for our bodies, take the bio identical hormones, eat nutritious food, pray, meditate, walk on the sand barefoot when he drives us to the beach, hold hands, hold each other and don’t talk about yucky feelings unless they come out by accident. He wants me to enjoy whatever time we have & l want him to leave me to die which he won’t do.

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