I think I’ve been doing a little bit too much experiencing and not enough actual doing. It is a large part of my nature to experience. But experiencing isn’t the same as doing things. It’s been a strange week. Not at all a bad week. But a strange one. So many random things have come out of this week.
I am much more emotional than I’d like to be. By that, what I mean is not that I wish to be a robotic person who doesn’t experience emotions. Emotions are a part of the human experience unless one is sociopathic. But my emotions lately are overwhelming and close to the surface. So calm is a thing of my past. My current reality is that I am in a continuous emotional storm that I’m having trouble adjusting to. To continue my sailing analogy, I’m in the middle of a gale almost continually so I spend all my time running madly around the ship trying to adjust the sails so the boat doesn’t sink. It isn’t a comfortable place to be. It isn’t a place I’d like to stay. My emotions are running the show most of the time. I don’t like it.
I am also extremely frustrated by getting older. One of the things about having younger partners is that I am often reminded that I’m no longer a twentysomething. Or a thirtysomething. And we’ll just stop there. But this last year has been the first year where my physical body has undergone the kind of changes that seem to come with the aging process. As a result, I am now feeling betrayed by my own body. Where once we were a team, working together to get the things done that I either wanted or needed to do… now we feel like enemies. I want or need to do a thing, and my body won’t let me. It’s incredibly disheartening. Logically, I knew the day would come when I would be “old,” I just didn’t expect it to be quite this soon. And I find myself resentful. I still have the desire to do all the things. I just can’t do a lot of them any more. Wasn’t I supposed to lose my sex drive and my desire to do all the “wild youth” things by now?
I am also coming to a changing point yet again in looking at what I can and can’t do … what I do and don’t need from a D/s and kink perspective. I think that 24/7 is no longer an option, now it is a need. And I also think that I need more life skills. If I’m going to be responsible for one or more people (and I am coming to believe that is what it’s going to come to) on a more or less daily basis, then I need to be much more certain that I have the skills to back it up. Time to get off the proverbial sofa and beef up my economic house. Being debt free & having a small savings isn’t enough any more. I need to get some knowledge about things like investing and retirement planning. One medical emergency or home issue could easily eat up my entire savings and leave me unable to provide for loved ones. Reality check. Adulthood sometimes sucks.