Monthly Archives: August 2015

How to submit (to me)

Over on Not Just Bitchy, Stabbity asks What does submission mean to you? Well, I’ll tell you.

To me, it is a very simple thing. Submission means that the person wanting to submit wants to give up some level of control or authority to someone else in their personal relationship(s).

That is the core of submission as far as I am concerned. It does not have anything to do with bondage, whips, boot licking, small penises, being naked around your partner(s), wearing a particular type of clothing, being a particular gender, or putting your mouth on your partner’s genitalia. Any or all of those things can be fun and wonderful, but they are not indicators of submission to me. Submission is not found in any one act or lack of action. It comes from within the person wanting to submit, and is a core desire/need as opposed to an act or action.

How does that work for me in particular? Well I’ll tell you that too! (Now that I am beginning to have more of an idea myself.)

First, submission from my partners must originate from them. It must not rely on some action or inspiration from me. It needs to be one of their core… needs. I appreciate that he doesn’t necessarily want to submit to just anyone. That not any person with a pulse will do. But the actual desire to submit to someone who is a good fit as a partner, lover, or both… should always be there in him. Even when he is not in a D/s relationship.

And I do think that it needs to be a desire that does not just surface when he is in a relationship. Because it is such a core need of mine, I don’t think I would be a good fit for someone who didn’t have that burning desire to find the right woman to submit to. The way that I want to dominate someone does not seem to diminish due to mood, illness, injury, bad hair days, or happiness on my part. It simply is. All the time. Every day.

In addition, the way that I want submission is that it should come naturally with grace. I do not what to have to continually earn or fight for his submission. Negotiation is wonderful and desirable. But once he agrees to hand over control of something to me, I don’t want to have to argue about it. If some compelling reason he can no longer submit in a particular way should arise, we can renegotiate. But it had better be a more compelling reason than he doesn’t feel like it.

Lastly, that desire to give up some degree of control or authority should, in and of itself, fulfill him. I don’t expect it to be the only fulfilling thing in his life, but I do expect that it should bring him fulfillment to be able to give control to someone else. Frankly, having responsibility for someone else is a lot of work. I don’t want to have to do additional work of convincing him that submission is awesome and what he should be doing to bring some happiness into his life. I am certainly happy to let him know how much I appreciate his submission and how much I value it. But I want him to also realize that, as a core need of his, that our relationship is meeting that need to submit as much as it meets my need to dominate.


How to dom (or, you know, not)

I see so many online posts & blogs about what dominance is. What makes a good dominant. What makes a bad dominant. How does one be the best dominant one can be. I hear a lot of discussion about it at educational events and parties as well. It is a very popular topic. And everyone seems to have at least some opinion on the matter. Including me.

One thing I see and hear over and over and OVER again, is that dominants are leaders. In fact, this opinion seems nearly universal. It’s odd that so many diverse groups hold this singular opinion. Goreans and female supremacists may not agree on anything about how D/s works, but I’d bet you that a quite significant portion of both groups (if not all) would agree that dominants lead and submissives follow. So where does that leave the dominants who don’t want to be leaders? (Or the submissives who don’t necessarily want to be follwers?) And what does it even look like when the dominant doesn’t want to dominate that way?

I don’t agree with this prevailing opinion on dominants as leaders. I think it can work that way. I think it frequently does work that way. But I don’t think it has to or even needs to work that way. Here are just a few examples of definitions of dominant.

  • most important, powerful, or influential
  • having or asserting authority or influence
  • controlling

None of those definitions say anything about leading or being a leader. Sure, there are some definitions of dominant which do mention leading, but my point is that there are ways to dominate without being a leader.

I think that it can work perfectly well when one looks at dominance from a perspective of control and asserting authority. I don’t need to lead in order to be the person who has control over something. I don’t need to lead to be the person who has the authority to make decisions. Am I leading when I decide what I want to eat for dinner? I certainly don’t feel like I am leading. I don’t have any grand plan, I just want lasagna for dinner. I have the authority to make that decision, because we have agreed that he will give me that authority. Therefore I can say we will have lasagna for dinner.

Even on a grander scale, I don’t feel like I am leading when I decide what color we will paint the walls. Or which car we will buy. Or where we will go on holiday. But I do have the authority to make those decisions. So if I want to, I can decide all those things. None of those things will lead us into a better relationship. (Well, a nice holiday might well better our relationship!)

But where is the leadership? None of those things will take us down a path that I have chosen and planned out. They are not designed to better him or us. I am not trying to inspire him to do things the way I want them done because I’m such an exceptional person. (Spoiler alert, I’m not.) They are simply things that I can decide on because he has given me the authority to do so.

So how does it work? It works because having authority and being a leader are not actually the same thing. And when one has the authority in a relationship, one can be said to be the dominant party. It works because a submissive wants to give up control or authority, and does so.

When the political becomes personal

There is a theme on my Fetlife friends list today. It seems to be “let’s discuss our physical appearance” day. Nobody told me. But now that I know, I am going to participate. I am, after all, an advocate of bodily autonomy and a part of the size acceptance movement.

I read a lovely rant by a woman who self-identifies as a bbw. She is happy in her large and lovely body and is unafraid to eat things in public. Even cake. Even a second slice of cake. She is also unafraid to get naked in the dungeon. Because naked kinky times are fun and awesome and she can’t well have them without the “naked” part. To which I say, “Hell Yes!”

Obviously, I agree with being at home in your own skin. No matter what that skin looks like or how much skin there is. Despite what the modern media would have us believe, it’s really great to actually love yourself. As you are. Right now. You don’t need a diet, a self help guru, steroids, or a certain brand of shoes in order to love yourself. If you want those things, great! But they are not prerequisites for self-love. It’s hard in this modern world to just love ourselves. But it’s a really fantastic goal.

I read another rant by a guy whose date was complaining that his date wasn’t confident enough in her appearance. He felt she was fishing for compliments in order to bolster her flagging self-esteem. And he was having no part of that. He didn’t want to date someone who was relying on him for self-esteem. I also agree with that! Self-esteem is, by definition, derived from within. No matter how many people tell you “x”, you may or may not ever believe in “x.” It’s hard, but it’s all up to each of us to decide if we believe “x” about ourselves.

In related news, I started back on hormonal birth control. It’s been years since I have been on any. And one of the likely side effects is weight gain. I was unconcerned. I was much more interested in whether or not I am going to end up with mood swings or spotting. Both of which would be annoying to have to deal with. It’s still worth it not to have to worry about an unintended pregnancy, but it would be annoying. And there is a very very small risk for blood clots. I’m not at much of a risk, but the risk isn’t zero.

I was relating the various things that I was expecting to go through in conjunction with my new anti-pregnancy regime to the men in my life. The Wild Thing listened carefully. He expressed excitement that I would be able to better enjoy my sex life without worrying. He was also confident that I would be able to deal with the things that were potential worries for me. And wanted to know if there was anything he could do in the event I needed support.

The Husband, on the other hand, though he has spent the last year attempting to convince me that he loves my body… well, the only words that came out of his mouth were, “Do you think you will gain any weight?” Color me unconvinced.

I could turn into a weeping mess. A rampaging bitch. And not in the fun way. I could have a stroke. And his first thought was that I might get fatter. I know he loves me, but I don’t think my body is much to his liking any more. Unfortunately for him, I am one of those confident people who is at home in her own skin. No matter how much skin there is.

Musings on love

I wish I could make friends like a normal person. Or even like I used to be able to do when I was young. I don’t. I can’t. I don’t know how any more. I do have a few close friends. But I can count them on one hand with fingers left over.

I was just reading this touching writing on Fetlife about a poly man and his death. How his daughter (who knew about his poly lifestyle) has been contacting all his loves. And how they are all coming in one way or another to be with him one more time. Sharing their memories and love of him. I don’t think that any of my past lovers would bother. Not that we dislike each other or that things ended badly. I just don’t think our connection was strong enough to warrant that.

I think that there are a few who might care to say a last goodbye. Maybe. Depending on when my hour comes. But I have to say that I really think I’d be lucky to have even one person who had a strong enough connection to want to share a last memory.

The Husband and I are on the edge of a precipice. And I don’t know if he will be one of the people who would like to share his love with me as I lay dying. It’s sad and frightening. It makes me wonder if I’m simply not the marrying type. I am the loving type. Given the right person, I love. I love hard and stubbornly and insistently. But marriage… Perhaps I’m just not cut out for it.