I wish I could make friends like a normal person. Or even like I used to be able to do when I was young. I don’t. I can’t. I don’t know how any more. I do have a few close friends. But I can count them on one hand with fingers left over.
I was just reading this touching writing on Fetlife about a poly man and his death. How his daughter (who knew about his poly lifestyle) has been contacting all his loves. And how they are all coming in one way or another to be with him one more time. Sharing their memories and love of him. I don’t think that any of my past lovers would bother. Not that we dislike each other or that things ended badly. I just don’t think our connection was strong enough to warrant that.
I think that there are a few who might care to say a last goodbye. Maybe. Depending on when my hour comes. But I have to say that I really think I’d be lucky to have even one person who had a strong enough connection to want to share a last memory.
The Husband and I are on the edge of a precipice. And I don’t know if he will be one of the people who would like to share his love with me as I lay dying. It’s sad and frightening. It makes me wonder if I’m simply not the marrying type. I am the loving type. Given the right person, I love. I love hard and stubbornly and insistently. But marriage… Perhaps I’m just not cut out for it.
anonymouskinky 
It’s easy to open our legs. It’s much braver to open ourselves and share our heart. It’s the very bravest risk anyone can take. I know this may appear trite but from my own experience I was touched by the great spirit and my heart opened to all the love I have ever received and never acknowledged until that one precious moment over 40 years ago and my life has never been the same. I was like you. I am still like you and I love that you just opened your heart just a little bit to share that pearl of your lonilness. I send you that love with all the power that I received many years ago. YOU HAVE to RISK. To love and be loved. Blessings
Peter
I always appreciate well wishes. So thank you! I think I should have led with the last bit though. I absolutely love. I love really hard and without reservation. It just doesn’t happen often. It’s not that I don’t risk. I am the poster child for emotional risk taking! I just don’t always connect well with other people. But when I do, I am all in. Even when it is inconvenient, frightening, or risky.
I love what you wrote Peter because it’s SO TRUE. People have to risk in order to receive love. It’s scarier than hell, but with the right person, it can be awesome and life changing.
I am also like you anonymouskinky,when you say you love hard and without reservation. I tend to go overboard sometimes, but for the most part I’m all in.
I am you lex, I am you anonymouskinky I am the best of humans I am the worst of beings. I hold all the love that I dream to give and hope to receive from you. I long as a man to learn too surrender as a women knows how to, completely. I’m afraid there is no one out there who knows how to receive such a gift. What keeps me whole and joyful is the knowledge that all beings deep down dream similar dreams. We long to surrender to love and are at the same time afraid. Knowing that about each person in their gender suit I love them for that, look as deeply into them as they will allow, and know we share the same. I patiently wait for that pearl to drop from their lips that says……maybe we can be one.
I know that our love un expressed can bend and twist into Picaso like kink and our life becomes unique art forms. “May be we can become one” is that scary, joyful, quivering risk. I do dangerous things for a living but risking deep down who I really am at the core requires more bravery than anything else. It is a life dream completed.
Peter
“I long as a man to learn too surrender as a women knows how to, completely[…]What keeps me whole and joyful is the knowledge that all beings deep down dream similar dreams. We long to surrender to love and are at the same time afraid.”
I have to disagree with this generalization. Not all women find it easy or desirable or know how to surrender… let alone surrender completely. I think there are people all along the gender spectrum who know how to surrender. And there are plenty of people who don’t particularly want to surrender to love. Or, perhaps I should say that I think there are plenty of people who don’t experience love as surrendering. And I also know plenty of people who are totally unafraid to love.
“I know that our love un expressed can bend and twist into Picaso like kink and our life becomes unique art forms.”
I am the opposite! There is no Picasso like kinky art or twists when I’m not in a loving relationship. But when I am? I will do my best to give Picasso a run for his money with my kinky art!
Nothing wrong with being all in! Even if you have made a mistake, I think it’s still worth the time and investment in being all in because you always learn things. Even when it is only learning what you don’t want to ever do again!
All generalisations are products of inductive reasoning. Of course, we all find it difficult to surrender (the term is loaded). Surrender is anathema and our defense systems militate against such a regime. However the term “falling in love” suggests that very subject. As a gender women have been unconsciously conditioned to addressing “God” as a male and become “other”…. A small death of their spirit, they’re spirit surrender’s to their monthly flows, their body surrenders to the uncontrollable spasms of child birth. These are surrenders that males are oblivious to. I use the term ” surrender” for a reason because it pushes so many buttons. A male’s very program of propagation, all males of practically every specie, must compete to propagate his seed.Surrender is counter to the male’s program. Ever wonder why our defense budget is 30% of the world’s total defense budgets? That budget is a collective representation of every US male’s cost of defending himself against threats. Imagine if we as males dropped our defenses for a day. We surrendered our armour. What a huge cost not only in blood and treasure but in a creative deficit as well. The Cost for a defense system is HUGE. Certainty the term love is a very confusing subject and the Greeks had many categories of love, but I refer to the term Erotic love and now specifically to the person who allows themselves to be enthralled. That comes pretty close to surrender or submission, don’t you think?
Petet
I’m going to begin with the end of your comment. Do I think that someone who is “enthralled” comes close to surrender or submission. Well, I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t think love and being enthralled are at all the same. If you do, that is great! If you want to surrender and be enthralled and in love, go for it! Where I think you miss the mark is assuming that all people experience (or want to experience) things the same way that you do. They don’t.
” As a gender women have been unconsciously conditioned to addressing “God” as a male and become “other”…. A small death of their spirit, they’re spirit surrender’s to their monthly flows, their body surrenders to the uncontrollable spasms of child birth.”
Wait, what?! First, not all people believe in a Judeo-Christian god. Second, even among those who do believe in a Judeo-Christian god, not all of them believe in a gendered god. Third, not all people believe in any god, deity, or higher power. I am among those who don’t. I am not the only woman who doesn’t believe in a male god. Therefore I do not feel “othered” by god. I’m not sure what the point was, but the premise itself is flawed.
Also, I in no way feel that menstruation or child birth kills the spirit of a woman. Full stop. If you believe that being a woman is somehow spirit-killing, I must inform you that I am a full-on human being and am in no way less-than due to my menstruation or the possibility of child birth. Sometimes being a human is messy &/or painful. For all of us. No matter what is between our legs. That’s just life. If you feel that it kills your spirit to deal with pain or inconvenience, or that you must surrender to them, then that is great for you. But, once again, this is NOT a universal experience.
The rest about military defense and men being biologically incapable of surrender, well I’m just going to leave that alone.
Your points about love and enthrallment are well taken. I experience love in many different ways not just one way. It’s a complex subject and I tried to confine my comments to Eros or romantic love. The Greek myths are replete with enthrallment, as was the 18th century romantic novels.
But wait, sure more and more people don’t believe in a Judeo- Christian god, but if you were raised in this country you were raise in a culture that for 400 years has been steeped in those values. Gold fish don’t know they are living in a complex soup until they are taken out if it. Perhaps because you are obviously an independent thinker with clear cut strong opinions it may be difficult for you to understand how difficult it was for your mother or grandmother, great grandmothers. They were definitely “othered” and patronized. They referred to their monthly period as the curse. Even to day vestiges of this “curse” is part of the history of modern day Judaism as exemplified by the Red Tent early Jewish tribes consigned menstrating women to.High percentages of women died in child birth. They had very little choice in their lives compared to men. My point is that your independence and freedom to be the strong women that you are—perhaps also very dominant, did not happen in a vacuum ! You stand on the shoulders of many women who fought for you! You exceplify that triumph. You are physically connected belly button to the placenta back to Lucy or Eve.
Historically there were universal experiences for a culture, not individually. Tomorrow historians will try to capture the zeitgeist of our culture, but they won’t capture exactly who you were, but they can make generalizations about the cultural soup you were swimming in, and the blind assumptions we made.
To take the time to understand how and why people are the way they are is to some extent to honor and love them. Thank you for taking the time to honor my thoughts as well. That also is a small piece of respect and love.
Peter
After re reading your blog to day after several months I wrote “You come off so hard and flinty in most of your blogs, controling,aggressive,even capricious at times but your heart is strong and loyal. I have lived with many women like you but what was most attractive to me was the strength of their heart. Perhaps it has always been a challenge for me but it has always been worth it. Look more deeply into the heart of the men you choose to be with and cultivate their surrender…those are the men who will always remember you..the ones who have truly surrendered into your heart. They will evoke your own strong hearted loving.
You are one in ten million women!”
Does that seem trite to you?