How to submit (to me)

Over on Not Just Bitchy, Stabbity asks What does submission mean to you? Well, I’ll tell you.

To me, it is a very simple thing. Submission means that the person wanting to submit wants to give up some level of control or authority to someone else in their personal relationship(s).

That is the core of submission as far as I am concerned. It does not have anything to do with bondage, whips, boot licking, small penises, being naked around your partner(s), wearing a particular type of clothing, being a particular gender, or putting your mouth on your partner’s genitalia. Any or all of those things can be fun and wonderful, but they are not indicators of submission to me. Submission is not found in any one act or lack of action. It comes from within the person wanting to submit, and is a core desire/need as opposed to an act or action.

How does that work for me in particular? Well I’ll tell you that too! (Now that I am beginning to have more of an idea myself.)

First, submission from my partners must originate from them. It must not rely on some action or inspiration from me. It needs to be one of their core… needs. I appreciate that he doesn’t necessarily want to submit to just anyone. That not any person with a pulse will do. But the actual desire to submit to someone who is a good fit as a partner, lover, or both… should always be there in him. Even when he is not in a D/s relationship.

And I do think that it needs to be a desire that does not just surface when he is in a relationship. Because it is such a core need of mine, I don’t think I would be a good fit for someone who didn’t have that burning desire to find the right woman to submit to. The way that I want to dominate someone does not seem to diminish due to mood, illness, injury, bad hair days, or happiness on my part. It simply is. All the time. Every day.

In addition, the way that I want submission is that it should come naturally with grace. I do not what to have to continually earn or fight for his submission. Negotiation is wonderful and desirable. But once he agrees to hand over control of something to me, I don’t want to have to argue about it. If some compelling reason he can no longer submit in a particular way should arise, we can renegotiate. But it had better be a more compelling reason than he doesn’t feel like it.

Lastly, that desire to give up some degree of control or authority should, in and of itself, fulfill him. I don’t expect it to be the only fulfilling thing in his life, but I do expect that it should bring him fulfillment to be able to give control to someone else. Frankly, having responsibility for someone else is a lot of work. I don’t want to have to do additional work of convincing him that submission is awesome and what he should be doing to bring some happiness into his life. I am certainly happy to let him know how much I appreciate his submission and how much I value it. But I want him to also realize that, as a core need of his, that our relationship is meeting that need to submit as much as it meets my need to dominate.


6 responses to “How to submit (to me)

  1. After reading your post, I just realized what is happening in my own relationship. That submission is a need and not an action, which is something I hadn’t thought of before in that way. I’m also finding in my own life, that the person’s need to submit does not always fit the timing of my need to dominate. It’s interesting.

    • I didn’t at all address the more active domination versus passive domination! That would probably make an interesting post as well. To me, there is always some passive domination going on. For example, The Wild Thing is required to wear panties (unless there is a compelling reason he can’t, such as a family vacation where his family might be seeing him in his underwear). But that does not require that I remind him to wear them every day or tell him which ones to wear. He gave me the control of what he wears, and I took it. But after I made my preferences known, I don’t actually do much in the way of actively telling him what to wear. So I always feel his submission to me in the background even though I may not have a specific need at any given moment to exercise my authority and say, “You will wear these specific panties today.” That helps me with the timing issue. Though some times I do want to take a more active role in domination, and it doesn’t always fit the circumstances. That can be frustrating.

      • A post on active domination versus passive domination would be a great one! Now that you mention that, I’m going to be more aware of how I’m being passive vs active with being dominance. The Man definitely fits not read my passive way, but wants quit often the active one. The in your face active dominance. When it’s not active enough, he will say, “I need to be punished for what I did”, and sometimes that timing does not fit because my mind isn’t there. So my response would be, “No, I’ll let you know when it’s time”, which makes him want it even more.

  2. Do you have any specific feeling(s) going on inside of you while you are feeling especially dominant or are there ranges of feeling from impatience to anger or a more matriarchal nurturing side?. A feeling of power? Or are no feelings involved in the pragmatically focused person?


    • I would say that the primary feeling I have would be a feeling of wanting to … be dominant. I don’t associate impatience, anger, or nurturing with dominance. So when I am wanting to be more actively dominant, it means that I feel like asserting the control someone has given me instead of letting things ride. Those would be the times that I would actually tell The Wild Thing what panties to wear as opposed to knowing that because I told him to wear panties, he is.

      • That’s also my feeling, that I never associate dominance with anger, nothing negative. My main feeling is wanting to be dominant because that’s what we both need/want. But, we are also both Switches, with me being more dominant most of the time than not.

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