Monthly Archives: December 2015

Musings on success

Success is an interesting concept to me. It is, in my view, completely subjective. The ways we define success changes over time. When I was a child, success was measured in the smiles and hugs of my parents. When I was in school, success was measured in grades. After school, after childhood… success was more ephemeral and more elusive. How was I to measure it?

Traditional western culture measures success by how many things one owns sometimes. Sometimes by the kind of job oneĀ  has. Sometimes it is measured in dollar signs or the number on a scale or how many followers one has on social media. Everyone has their own measure of success.

My measure of personal success is has come full circle. I measure my success in smiles once again. Those of the people I care about and my own. My success is measured in joy and happiness. I want to be living a happy life. I want to help others find happiness in their own lives.

But I was thinking… is that how I measure success in my relationships? Is having a happy and joyous relationship how I measure myself to have a good and successful relationship? Do I expect my loves to make me happier and more joyous? I know that I do still measure my success by their smiles. But that is life success. Not relationship success. Do I measure success by years? I don’t have any good answers… yet. But I will.

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This is my life: body image

Body image is a tricky subject for many people. Somewhat more complicated for most women than it is for most men. Sometimes it’s tricky for me. But mostly it isn’t. I do occasionally have my off days. My “bad hair” or “I feel unattractive” or “blah” days. But they are, by a landslide, outweighed by my good days.

Modern society thinks this shouldn’t be so. After all, I’m obese by medical standards. Otherwise knows as a big fat fatty McFatterson. I’m also old enough that I should be considered sexually irrelevant. But most days, I feel loved and attractive. And every day, I feel like a valuable human being regardless of what I look like.

So how do I manage to spend most of my days feeling lovely and loved? I wish I had a better answer than, “I just realized I’m lovely and loved.” But that is it. I don’t remember exactly when. But one day (after many years of hard work on my self esteem and body image) I simply woke up and felt a strong sense of my own worth. And that worth includes the exterior as well as the interior. I feel like I am someone beautiful enough to inspire lust. I feel like I am someone wise enough to inspire trust. I feel like someone other people would like to have in their life as a friend or lover. I’m not perfect. I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. But I have a lot to offer.

I believe that I don’t need to be any particular dress size to be beautiful. To have someone want me. To be desired and loved. I wish more people believed the same thing. Not about me. About themselves. So many people are not doing things. Not living the life they want. Not happy. All because they don’t like the person they are or the body they inhabit. Perfectly good bodies!

I suppose that I also believe that outward beauty isn’t everything. People are so much more than just a face and a body. So even if someone will never be a supermodel, it doesn’t matter. I will never be a supermodel. But that doesn’t mean I will never be a worthwhile person. I already AM a worthwhile person. Perhaps that is the source of my positive body image.

Realizing that bodies are great, but they aren’t everything.

Introvert + Poly: A work in progress

I have hardly had a moment to myself lately. That is both good and bad. The good part is that I’ve gotten to see family and friends. And I have gotten to spend a lot of time with both of my loves. All of that is great. But there is also a bad side.

I’m an introvert. I don’t like being around large groups of people I don’t know. I don’t even like being around small groups of people I don’t know. I also dislike being around large groups of people I do know and small groups of people I know. In short, I would make a very good hermit.

That also means that when I have had an hour or two without any company, the last thing I have wanted to do is blog. This is basically a means of communication with other people. And basically, when I have spent too much time around people…

DO NOT WANT!

It’s not that the people in my life are horrible people. They aren’t hard to be around. But this is just how my introversion works. I have actually had a whole day without company in my home. I have been alone. Utterly, completely, peacefully, beautifully,blessedly ALONE! It’s been glorious.

This, for me, was a huge hurdle in having a functional poly relationship. It’s simple really. It’s so obvious. Any idiot could have seen it. Except for me. I didn’t even consider my introverted nature when I started on my poly pathway. But any idiot could do the math. More people = less alone time.

For the most part, it has not been terrible. The Husband has the kind of job where he travels often. That worked perfectly well for me when we were a twosome. Then the Wild Thing came into the mix. Suddenly I had less than half of the free time I was used to having. It is a lot like having a traditional relationship. Instead of spending a whole day once a month or so and a few evenings a week with the Husband… suddenly I found almost every evening filled with another person. It was a major adjustment.

I love them. I want to spend time with them. I want to spend a lot of time with them. I do. And I do … spend a lot of time with them. It’s wonderful. I enjoy the time we spend together. But after several weeks of not having an evening to myself, I am incredibly happy to have a few days without any other humans in my living space. The holiday season was like this last year as well. I thought it was a fluke that I was so surrounded by people. Clearly not.

But next year… NEXT year I am going to plan better so that I have more time to myself. Otherwise I might flee my own home for the hills slightly less metaphorically than I did this year.