Category Archives: doing it wrong

This is my life: I am a slave and you will do Master things to me right now!

When I first entered the kink scene, I thought I was a slave. I really believed that was where I fit in. It wasn’t, of course. But I hadn’t done any soul searching on the subject since I was brand new. I had no natural instinct about it. Perhaps because it all happened very suddenly and there were so many things happening at once. Perhaps it was because all of the examples of kink that I had before me were M/f. In the end, it doesn’t matter why, it matters that I wasn’t a slave. I wasn’t even submissive. What matters is that I did think about it eventually, after I slowed down enough to quit doing and start thinking. What matters is that I did find that natural instinct after I was not simply overwhelmed with delight in finding something that actually stirred me sexually.

So when I say that sometimes people are a little confused about exactly where they fall on the kink spectrum, I know from personal experience that it happens! When I say that sometimes, someone needs to figure out what actually works for them… brings them joy or personal fulfillment… turns them on… I know what I’m talking about. I think it’s wonderful when people are basically born with a whip in their hand. Those people who have these feelings or desires very early on have it all figured out by the time I was just stumbling into kink. They’re lucky.

I was not lucky so much as I was confused. I didn’t mean to mislead anyone. I genuinely thought I was great slave material! I was convinced I would make some nice man a wonderful slave. I was dead wrong. I am only happy that I didn’t have many dominant partners before I figured out that I was a dominant myself. And I thank the people who helped my on my journey in figuring that out. I admire their patience. I admire their restraint as well. Nobody yelled at me or tried to force me to be something I’m not. I haven’t always been so kind to the confused people in my life. I’m certainly not perfect. My past partners were merely trying to get me to do the things I said I wanted to do. To be the way I said I wanted to be.

But, of course, I wasn’t. And I didn’t want to do those things. I thought I was those things. But there is a world of difference between bottoming and submitting. And while I could manage bottoming, I never managed submitting. It was easy enough to get me to do the things I brought up. But I wasn’t very good at doing the things they wanted me to do. Sure, I might try it once to see if I liked it. But the problem was getting me to do anything more than once. And that was just in the context of play. I can’t even imagine the colossal pain in the ass I would have been if anything had ever moved from play partners to anything more.

So, my “submission” looked something like this:

Me: Hey, I saw this guy tying up this girl and spanking her. I want to try that with you.

Them: Well I am good with rope. I can totally do that.

 

Them: I am very good with a flogger. Have you ever been flogged?

Me: No, but it looked really fun to me when X was being flogged. I do think I want to try that!

 

Do you see a pattern here? I was keen to try new things. I was keen to do the things I wanted to do. But nowhere in there did I indicate that I wanted to do things with a thought to what they actually wanted. Nor did I ever indicate that I wanted to give up any control to anyone. I wanted to try the things I wanted to try. I wanted someone to do those things to me. Sure, I expected that they would enjoy the things to. But that was certainly not my main motivation.

Yes. I was a do-me bottom. And a confused one at that!

Not that being a bottom is wrong or bad. It isn’t. Bottoms are wonderful to have! They are the perfect counterpoint to tops. And do-me bottoms aren’t even a bad thing. They are the perfect counterpoint to service tops. But bottoming is not the same thing as submitting. And if you don’t have a conversation with your partner, it can lead to frustration and confusion. For both/all of you.

So listen up all you submissive people! Ask yourself if you want to do the things you want to do. Do you want to do the things that your partner wants to do? Maybe you want to do things that are mutually agreeable to all parties. Ask yourself if your main priority (not your only one, perhaps, but your main one) is you or your partner(s). Ask yourself if you want someone else making decisions about your scene. Or your life. Or maybe you want to be the one making those decisions. If your answers are anything like the examples above? Perhaps you are not submissive. Perhaps you are a bottom. Perhaps you are a do-me bottom. Perhaps you are actually… a dominant.

It happens sometimes that we are all a bit confused. And the best thing we can do for our own peace of mind and happiness is to give it some thought so that we can figure out what actually works for us. How can we find our happiness if we don’t even have a clue what it looks like?

Leather: to be or not to be

I recently went to a Leather Community educational event. I was subsequently informed that I am “Leather.” I identify as many things, but Leather isn’t one of them. However, in the interest of keeping an open mind, I decided to do some research on what being “Leather” in the BDSM community means. Perhaps I was Leather and just didn’t realize it.

Wikipedia was useless in determining any set of values. The most it could offer was that there is some association with the military, drugs, motorcycles, and BDSM. Of those, I’m only interested in BDSM. Other articles from various BDSM or Leather sites suggest that Leather involves wearing leather clothing. Then I found a few sites specifically meant for the leather community. Now we’re on to something!

So according to one, Leather values include loyalty, respect, integrity, and courage. Another Leather site additionally listed empathy, a desire to learn, and self knowledge as important Leather values. The National Leather Association says that Leather values include honesty, accountability, education, and community service. I’m seeing a bit of a trend here. So maybe I could be considered Leather after all. Except…

I don’t think these values are so much “Leather Values” as they are “being a decent human being values.” Well, to be honest, I’m not much for volunteering or community service. But I do strive to be empathetic, know myself, be honest, keep learning and improving myself, etc. Except…

It reminds me of a scene from the old movie, “Amadeus.” They are trying to decide which language an opera should be in. It goes something like this:

Mozart: “It’s highly moral, Majesty, it’s full of proper German virtues.”

Salieri: “Excuse me, Majesty, but what do you think these could be? Being a foreigner, I would love to learn.”

Emperor: “Well, tell him Mozart. Name us a German virtue.”

Mozart: “Love, sire.”

Salieri : “Oh! Love! Well, of course, in Italy we know nothing about love.”

And, of course, Salieri is right. Love isn’t exclusively a “German” virtue any more than loyalty or respect or education are exclusively “Leather” values. So I don’t think I’ll be calling myself Leather any time soon.

Doing it wrong: bottoming isn’t submitting and there’s nothing wrong with that (except when one calls it submitting)

Sit down and get ideas of your sub – make a list of what drives him to the edge. Then you can add little bits on from that. ie he wants you to play with his erection and you want your house clean – so order him to clean your house but keep your hands on his naked body so he is constantly aroused. win win situation

I havent had a women dom me but i once did a dare that my female flatmates jump for joy.
It invovled 2 of us walking into the corner store which was located next to us with 1 female all dressed up -ie hair up make up sun glass heels and acting like a controlling bitch with her nose in the air type of thing – and me nude and erect. I also had a leash tied around my balls which she led me by.
Now we didnt go into this cold – I had one of my flatmates ask the woman in the shop if this was going to be okay the day before and ask if she wanted to add anything to the scenario. She was fine with it.
I loved the embarrassment i felt and the fear of what if someone else came into the store. I never shook so much in my life.”

 

This is an answer (unedited) from a man who lists himself as a submissive man on Fetlife to a question from a new dominant woman looking for some ideas for a fun playtime. On the surface, it is good advice. It’s advice that’s given quite a lot. But for me, it falls short. It’s missing the part where the dominant gets to think about what she wants and enact those ideas. The more usual advice is for the parties to get a kink checklist and go over it together. In the above model, the ideas all stem from the submissive (or, in my opinion the bottom, not the submissive) partner. Now, in a Top/bottom relationship it can work beautifully.

However, in a Dominant/submissive relationship, it can leave one or both partners unsatisfied. When the impetus or ideas stem from the submissive, he or she is the one making the action. I have been there. In this equation, the dominant is following the direction of the submissive. That basically turns the dynamic on its head. Sure she’s going to be allowed to “add to it.” But that’s just window dressing. He’s the one creating the scene. That works if she doesn’t want the authority to create the action and if he wants to retain the authority to create the scene. But for the dominant woman who wants to create her own scenes, it’s not very fulfilling. It’s frustrating.

I’m not saying that a dominant can’t or shouldn’t take the submissive’s desires and needs into consideration. I think it’s important for a dominant to know what needs the submissive has. Everyone deserves to have their needs met by their chosen relationship(s). But my point is that a major need for a dominant person is to be able to have authority. And the compliment to that is that a submissive person has a major need to relinquish authority. Sure, it might or might not include everything (or anything) having to do with play. But, in my honest opinion, when it doesn’t? It’s in the realm of Top/bottom and not Dominant/submissive. If it’s a spade, call it a spade.

And my real frustration with the idea of that comment is how incredibly common it is. It’s so common (at least in my experiences with both reading online and in person negotiation) that a male submissive expects that what he wants during play will be what happens. Sure, there may be other things that happen (within reason, of course). But the things he wants will happen. It is so common that it’s rare when I don’t encounter it. And it can be confusing and annoying to women who are dominant. Those who are expecting to be able to call the shots. I’m not shocked that so many new female dominants simply give up. Quit trying. Run away from it all. If I hadn’t come into the kink scene how I had, I probably would have run too.

Bottom line is that I think we would retain a lot more female dominants (and it seems to be quite the complaint of submissive men… not nearly enough dominant women) if we called a spade a spade. Much less frustration. Much more understanding. (And I’m leaving that entire last paragraph alone since it sounds like utter fantasy, and if it isn’t then he’s incredibly lucky he wasn’t arrested.)

30 Days of Kink: 21 – 25

21. Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)?

I’ve read a few official kink books and they were… decent. There is a series of books by Anne Bishop, The Black Jewels books, which is vaguely female dom/male sub oriented. I enjoyed the books, but don’t think they are a very good representation of what most BDSM relationships are like. Especially since they involve magic!

22. What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I’m not sure it differs much from a vanilla relationship really. The only difference is that I think there are more (kink/BDSM) needs which must also be fulfilled. So there are more chances that something might fall between the cracks if one isn’t paying attention or gets too bogged down with other life stuff.

23. Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

Just about everything has changed. I thought I was slave material. I’m not. Then I thought I was only a sadist with no interest in domination. I was wrong. There are so many things that I thought I’d never be interested in or turned on by. But I am. I thought I’d never find a partner that would meet even half my kinky needs. But I have. I thought so many things. Now I’m just trying to keep up with all the changing perspectives and interests!

24. What qualities do you look for in a partner?

I look for the same things I’d look for in a vanilla partner. In addition to “the usual” things like honesty, intelligence, and that sort of thing… I enjoy men (and it does need to be a genetic male or a transwoman whose penis is still functional and she’s still willing to use it) who are submissive masochists. Nothing else will do.

25. How open are you about your kinks?

Within the kink community, I’m quite open. There are almost no things I am not open about. I do have some… different fantasies that I’ve only shared with one person. They are physically impossible, so they will never happen unless science as we know it ceases to exist. I have some other… darker fantasies that I don’t share with very many people outside of my inner inner circle. Otherwise, I am an open book. Outside the kink community, I don’t bring it up nor do I participate in many conversations with vanilla people about my kinks. I will talk to my (few) vanilla friends. But I certainly don’t volunteer my kinks to strangers or people I don’t know. Even so, I’m much more “out” about my kinks that the Husband likes. He’d prefer if I never mentioned anything about our poly or kink lifestyle to anyone ever. But I am a horrible liar. So the best I can usually do is to make noncommittal noises or avoid the conversation entirely.

This is my life: I can’t get no satisfaction

“I would like to be able to have sex with the Wild Thing.”

… silence …

This rant is brought to you by my (lack of) sex life. For someone with two men who are submitting to me, you’d think I’d have more sex. I would certainly like to have more sex. Lots more sex. Unfortunately, it never quite seems to work out that way. I might get to have sex once or twice a month. That’s really not my ideal. I love cock. I prefer sex a few times a week. But despite owning two men with perfectly good penises (penii?), I just can’t get some. Why? Well I’ll tell you.

One of the men, the Husband, is currently working about 9 hours away from me. I see him for 3-6 days every month. I own his penis. I can use it whenever I want to. Except that most days, if I want to use it, I’d have 18 hours of driving for some cock. And when he’s here, we can’t always get on the same page about getting our groove on. He doesn’t like having sex when I’m on my period. So if he’s here when I’m all bleeding, I can’t have sex with him. And sometimes he’s just not in the mood. I could technically just tell him to get it up and then jump on him. But that’s not really appealing to me. I don’t like having to force someone to get it on with me. That makes me feel gross & undesirable, not to mention a little rapey.

I do have ready access to the penis attached to the Wild Thing. I see him for at least a few days every week. And if he isn’t in my actual presence, he’s only a phone call away. I own his dick. It is mere minutes away at all times. And he’s certainly willing whenever I want to interact with him sexually. I can use it whenever I want to right? Wrong. I have to ask permission from my submissive property, the Husband, in order to be able to have sex with my submissive boyfriend. Let me just say that again, because it feels all kinds of wrong to me.

I, as the dominant and owner, must ask permission of my submissive property in order to be able to fuck my boyfriend.

I feel like I’m eating shards of glass every time I have to get his permission to do something that (to my mind) should be a normal and natural occurrence between people who are dating.

I feel like an an asshole asking the Wild Thing to wait for a third party’s whim to decide when he can have sex.

I feel like the submissive partner in my own sex life.

I do not feel empowered as a dominant or a sexual being.

I do not feel I’m having enough sex.

But there are no easy answers. The Husband can’t accept my having sex whenever I want to. So he is still in control of my sex life. I hate it. But I hate it less than I hate the idea of being without the Husband. So I eat my broken glass. I bleed my words & my independence out of my mouth. And I am eternally thankful that the Wild Thing is so easygoing.

A rant on online advice

I see all kinds of advice on the web about what people should and shouldn’t do. Tons of it. Piles of it. Often steaming piles of excrement if one wants to be honest about it. So here’s a wee rant on some of that “advice.”

You have to clean all your toys!!!

Some toys, I agree, it is a good idea to clean before use. Just as a general statement. Whether they’ve been used or not. Insertables, for example. I clean them when they first come home with me (or arrive on my doorstep if I ordered them online). Then I clean them again before and after each use. Yes, it’s wise. But cleaning my very expensive leather flogger? My suede dragon’s tail? No thank you. If it gets blood or cum or some other bodily fluid on it, I’m not cleaning it. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m not cleaning it. Leather is WAY too porous to be properly sanitized. Anything that would even come close to cleaning it (cleaning, we’re not even talking sanitizing here) is going to ruin it. I’m also not giving it to the person whose fluids are now on it. It’s mine. I paid for it. It’s expensive. Get your own $300 flogger. What I will do, however, is make it a single-person toy. Beyond that, the most virulent diseases carried in bodily fluids that we currently know of doesn’t survive outside the body past 4 months. Not even in ideal lab settings. So I will rest the toy for 4 months. Anyone who has an issue with my practices on toy cleaning is welcome to move right along to the next person. Because I’m not ruining my toys for you.

Submissives need their own toys!!!

If a submissive or bottom wants to get their own toys, fantastic. I think it can be a good idea for insertable toys. Those really do tend to be single person toys. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but it happens often enough for me to feel comfortable saying that more people who use insertables tend to consider them one person toys than that use the same toy on multiple partners. Other toys? Not so much. If a person wants to bring their own toys to be used on them, fantastic. But don’t expect that I’m going to use your toys rather than mine. I have my own toys for a reason. That reason is because I like them a lot. I also know them and what they can or can’t do. I don’t know your toys. I might or might not try them out. If you don’t like my toys or the fact that I’m not bleaching them or autoclaving them between uses… please see the above advice about where you can go.

Anyone who won’t give you their full legal name before you meet for coffee/won’t show you their [various government issued picture ID card] on a first meeting is clearly a fake/unsafe!!!

I know we live in an age where information is fast and loose. Where you can find almost anything about almost anyone. However, I’m not showing you my picture ID which has my full legal name and address. I may know you well enough to meet up for a coffee or lunch, but that doesn’t mean you’ve earned my trust. I have seen way too many people outed. I’ve seen too many people blackmailed to keep from being outed. (OK, I believe even a single person is too many people. But in this case, it’s more than one. Which is both scary and sad.) I’ve also been stalked. I’m sure some people won’t show their ID or give out personal information to someone for nefarious reasons. I realize that you don’t know me enough to know that I’m not being dishonest, I’m just being cautious. But by that same reasoning, realize that I don’t know you well enough to know you won’t stalk me or out me. If you think that makes me unsafe, once again, feel free to seek your kink elsewhere.

Musings on particular sex acts: titfucking

I keep seeing discussions on the intarwebz about “What is the most dominant/submissive act?” And I don’t think such a thing exists on a meta level since I don’t believe any given act is inherently dominant/submissive. It seems to come up even more in relation to sex acts. And I’ve found it especially problematic in relation to being a dominant woman who enjoys sex. There are an unfortunate number of people (where “people” includes the submissive men I would like to be doing sex acts with) who equate any kind of penetration with submissiveness. As a woman who really likes to be in charge of how the sex goes and who also really likes to have penis in my vagina, it’s a problem.

Penetration isn’t a submissive act. Neither is penetrating. It’s all in what’s going on in someone’s head. I find the “x act is submissive/dominant” line of thinking gets in the way of some of the things I like to do. I have been assured on several occasions that “titfucking” (I really hate that label for it, but calling it “masturbating someone between my breasts while using their body to stimulate my nipples” is a bit unwieldy) can’t possibly be a dominant act. So here’s a little guide on how I like to do it. Not that having someone sit on one’s chest can’t be a dominant act. If I told someone to do that, it would be him submitting to my will and doing what I want. But I have enough trouble breathing without someone adding their weight to my chest. So I have developed some alternative… less subtly dominant… methods. Here are a few ways to have a penis between your chest in 5 easy steps:

Step 1: Find a willing fellow whose penis you’d like to have between your breasts

Step 2: Use a Swiss seat harness to suspend this willing fellow from a hard point.

Step 3 (optional): Tie his hands behind his back or otherwise restrain his hands

Step 4: Lift him to the appropriate height to have his penis between your breasts

Step 5: Have fun with the penis that’s now between your breasts

 

Step 1: Find a penis attached to a man who you fancy, who’s game to have his penis between your breasts

Step 2: Make him lay down somewhere

Step 3 (optional): Bind him so he can barely move

Step 4: Lay on top of him such that your breasts are surrounding his penis

Step 5: Enjoy the penis between your breasts as you see fit

 

So now you know way more about my sex life than you ever wanted to! Do I think liking these things suddenly turns me into a submissive woman? No I don’t.