Category Archives: respect

In which I rant on cheating

So there is yet another thread on Fetlife about why it’s ok (or, in this case, hot) to cheat. The thread was started by a woman who thinks it’s just so hot to be with a guy who is cheating on his partner. That is the entirety of the original post. And most of the people in the group were not supportive of this idea. But, of course, there were also those who defended cheating. Because reasons. So many reasons. Reasons, people!

I will begin by saying that I’m no angel. I have made mistakes and bad decisions in my life. Because I’m human, and therefore imperfect. When I was beginning to navigate the world of dating, I cheated on my boyfriend. I knew what I was doing was outside the parameters of our agreed upon relationship. I did it anyhow. Because I wanted to. I was an asshole. After that, I decided that it was a bad idea and that I’d been an asshole. I determined that wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I decided not to do it again. So I know what I’m talking about.

I didn’t discover the world of BDSM until I was an adult in a vanilla marriage. It hit me like a sledge hammer. It was overwhelming. It was hot. It woke things in me that I didn’t even know existed. It is a story I’ve heard repeatedly on Fetlife. Really. Over and over and over and over in ad infinitum. So it isn’t even an original story.

So what did I do. I thought about it. With the head on my shoulders. I did my best not to let the newness and the hotness turn me into that asshole again. I had a husband. And I felt that if I cared enough about him to marry him, I cared enough about him to let him in on my newfound discovery. Was it frightening? Of course. Was it risky? Fucking yes it was! I was putting my entire relationship at risk. And I still did it. Because it was the right fucking thing to do!

So when I say to the people who can’t be bothered to inform their partners about their interest in kink that I think they are being a selfish asshole, I fucking know what I’m talking about.

There were several people in the thread who gave some excuses about why they were cheating (or looking to cheat) on their partner. Here are a few of them, and a brief deconstruction of why I think they are total bullshit.

Well I talked to my spouse about it, but s/he isn’t interested.

I commend you for talking to your spouse. It’s a difficult and frightening conversation to have. However, having the conversation doesn’t absolve your agreements and responsibilities to your partner. Just because not everyone is kinky is not a decent excuse to cheat on your partner. Yes, it’s the reason you are giving. But what you are really saying is that you want to be the selfish asshole who wants to have your cake and eat it too. That your need for kink is greater than your need to continue to be honest with the person you say you love and care for. That, my friends, is being a selfish asshole. And it brings your word into question.

My partner is physically/mentally ill and I cannot hurt hir further by bringing up getting my kink on with outside sources.

This one is my favorite. Because it seems so loving and giving doesn’t it? The loving partner who can’t bear to hurt hir partner. The loving partner who wants to support hir ailing partner… By lying to that ailing partner. By actually putting the need for kink above the need for being honest and honoring the agreements made with the ailing partner. Because that is what is actually going on. If leaving someone isn’t an option, there always exists the option to put BDSM on the back burner for a while. I have been there and done that. So I don’t believe in your supposed altruism for one short second. You are lying to your partner and you are lying to yourself if you think that you are not being selfish.

Well I couldn’t find a kink relationship/didn’t know there was such a thing as kink relationships/lived in an area where there was no access to kink, so I married vanilla and now I don’t want to hurt the love of my life.

So basically what you are saying here is that you think so little of your partner… who is the love of your life, your bestie, that you think they would not even make an attempt to understand your needs. This amazing person who is your partner is so without empathy that s/he would rather simply leave you than attempt to reach some agreement where you could both be happy. I think that is a horrid thing to say about your partner. If your partner really is like that, perhaps you would actually be better off without hir. And by the way, you are still basically saying that you are being a selfish asshole who wants to have hir cake and eat it too, without regard for the feelings of that love of your life.

I made a vow to stick with my husband/wife forever, so I could never actually leave hir.

Another favorite! So what you are saying here is that some vows are worth keeping. But others can be tossed out. Because there is always the option to put the kink back in the closet or to leave and find someone more compatible. But wait! Leave? Unthinkable! The vow not to leave? MUST BE HONORED!!!11!! The vow of fidelity? Well that one doesn’t really count. The vow to honor your partner? That one is only a suggestion. The vow to be honest? Well did we really mean that one? So, in short, this is another case of being selfish and lying to yourself about your supposedly noble intent.

So basically what I’m saying is that I get it. Adult relationships are complicated and often challenging. And sometimes we royally fuck them up. But the least we can do is respect ourselves and our partners. And admit when we have been selfish assholes. And to not try to justify it away when we have been (or are about to be) a selfish asshole. Admit it. And don’t fucking do it again.

This is my life: Surprise!

Dear Husband,

What the actual fuck? Why do I find out by logging on to Fetlife that you have changed your role from submissive to unsure & are possibly going to a party in another state… when you are not allowed to go to parties without me? This is why we can’t have nice things.* Please stop your passive aggressive bullshit forthwith.

Sincerely,

Your rather pissed off and confused wife/Dominant

*You wonder why I feel more easy in my D/s relationship with the Wild Thing? Why I have him doing things you want to do with me? Because of things like this. First A, then B, then C, and on and on. If I can’t get B then I can’t ask for C. You know this about me. I don’t know why you are so shocked that my D/s relationship with the Wild Thing is progressing more quickly than ours has in over a decade.

Musings on body image from a very personal perspective

One of my Fetlife friends had a child and got a whole new (larger) body as a result. This isn’t uncommon. I think most women expect that after pregnancy, their body will never be the same. But living it can be a whole different story. Her husband spends almost all his (visible) time on Fetlife loving pictures of very thin young women. His wife is suffering from some terrible self esteem issues right now. I can see it in her posts and their increasingly depressed tone. I can understand where she’s coming from.

They are participating in a fairly public site (in the sense that a large portion of what we do with our Fetlife profiles is visible to friends via our friends feed) that is full of all kinds of naked bodies. And I think that is part of what is bothering her. All kinds. Of all the naked bodies on the site, her husband spends his time loving pictures of naked women… who look nothing like her new, larger body. They don’t play together. And when I see them at the same event, it’s rarely together. They are socializing separately.

I feel her pain. Though I don’t feel at odds with my body now, I have in the past. And we all still have our good days and our bad when it comes to self esteem in relation to our appearance. I have also undergone a relatively sudden body change that caused me to gain a lot of weight rather suddenly then not be able to lose it. And I didn’t even get a kid out of it! It can throw your self-perception for a loop when the person looking back at you from the mirror is not someone you recognize.

I’m all for gaining self esteem from the self. But sometimes we can use a bit of help. Society is hard on almost everyone. When our lovers don’t seem to find us attractive any more, it hurts. And it certainly doesn’t help to boost flagging self esteem.

There was that point several years ago when my body suddenly changed. I happened to find The Husband’s porn stash. (Largely because he left it running on his computer when he left for work and it was somewhat… loud!) I have never been a consumer of porn, so I decided it might be interesting to see what he was into and if it was something we could do together. It was interesting. (In that some of the things therein were things I could see myself adapting to be more realistically doable, but don’t get me started on how horrid most femdom porn is) But it also became increasingly distressing. Even the still pictures were all of these slender women with large implants who looked nothing like me.

Much like the sheer variety on Fetlife, porn offers something for everyone. If one wants to find BBW porn, it’s out there. The Husband didn’t have any. I questioned if he actually found my body attractive. This was exacerbated by the fact that I have a very specific “type” that I find attractive. And I have almost never deviated from that type since I first considered boys as more than friends. So it is hard for me to contemplate people being attracted to all physical appearances equally. I have now spoken about it to enough people to think that I’m probably actually the minority. But still…

When I talked to The Husband about it, he said he simply clicked on things he thought were sexy and never thought much about it. (This didn’t help at all, by the way. Did I mention that BBW porn is fairly easy to find on almost any porn site?) We went round and round about it. He didn’t get why I was bothered by this. I tried to explain my feelings and my reasons for thinking he didn’t find me attractive any more. He still didn’t get it. He kept reassuring me that he just went with what he saw and he wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me.

Well I should hope he wasn’t!

Finally, I asked him what he thought about all the hunky action movie stars. Arnold Schwarzenegger types with a 6 pack and legs the size of a small tree. I did it in the bathroom intentionally. I brought up several more popular actors. I noticed him starting to look at his own body and realize that he was fairly far from that “ideal.” I did this to approximate the message that women are constantly barraged with every moment of every day that if you aren’t young, thin, tan, and enhanced… you are not attractive. I spoke at great length about how my girlfriends were always going on and on about this gorgeous Hollywood actor or another. How the bubblebutt of one actor was stacked up against the bulging biceps of another. I could see him getting a bit more uncomfortable.

I asked him how he would feel if he found a large stash of pictures or pornos featuring exclusively men who looked like that on my computer.

He immediately reminded me that I have always maintained I don’t find that attractive at all. (He’s right, I don’t. And I’m pretty honest about that.)

I said yes. I am always telling you that I think you are handsome. That I think your body is attractive. Now how would you feel finding that porn stash on my computer?

He finally got it.

It was such a departure from what he had always told me he liked. It raised a flood of doubt at a time when I was learning to love a new body.

I hope my Fetlife friend finds the love of her body that I did. I also hope she can find a way to discuss her body issues with her husband. And I hope she can do it in a way that he eventually gets it. And that he can help her love her new body.

And if he doesn’t get it or doesn’t love her new body, that they can let each other go. Because there are tons of men who do find her body beautiful. And she deserves to be with someone who thinks she’s gorgeous.

This is my life: miracle weekend

It’s late in my part of the world. The night is dark and cool. Nobody here but me. It was an intense weekend, and I’m both elated and a bit exhausted. I have missed 3 days of work, played, argued, made up, fucked, and cried. Not necessarily in that order. I feel I’ve been living in a different land for the past 5 days. Tomorrow I go back to the real world. There may be repercussions for missing work. I believe it was worth it. Even if I end up being fired, it will have been worth it. The Husband and I have reconnected. I feel wonderful!

Now I am looking forward to the future. I feel that things can work. For all of us. Times are changing. I am changing. Again. More hope for more kink and more love and more togetherness. It may not be perfect, but what is? Nothing. And this is good. This weekend has been a much needed catharsis. And now for some sleep!

Musings on domiNANT vs. domiNEERING

We hear it all the time in D/s circles:

“Dominant isn’t the same as domineering.”

But what does that really mean? It’s been a bit like porn to me. The United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once said about pornography, “I know it when I see it.” That is how I’ve felt about dominant vs. domineering. I have a hard time defining it in concrete terms, but I know it when I see it. And I saw it.

Once I saw it, it actually became a lot easier to define. What I saw in the domineering person was a sense of expectation and entitlement. The expectation that s/he will get whatever hir desire is. Whatever s/he wants whenever s/he wants it. The expectation that all people will do hir bidding. Even people who haven’t negotiated things with hir.

As a dominant, I have the expectation that certain people will do what I want and work to make my desires happen. However, I only expect that of the people I have negotiated that arrangement with. I expect to hold zero sway over anyone else. Nor do I expect anyone else to cater to my whims and desires. Domineering people (or at least the domineering person I ran across) do.

I also would not assume that anyone would have the least desire to cater to my whims. Do what I ask (or tell) them to. If I were to tell a stranger to change his shirt because I didn’t like the look of it, I would be unsurprised if he laughed in my face. I would not even expect a friend to change their wardrobe because I didn’t like it. The domineering person seemed to be genuinely shocked when people didn’t want to cater to hir needs. Didn’t want to change plans or opinions to suit hir. It never seemed to occur to hir that other people really are not living their lives thinking of what might make hir life easier. S/he seemed to be blissfully unaware that s/he isn’t entitled to have hir way all the time.

Domineering person: Hey, let’s have lunch. Come pick me up at my office in 30 minutes.

Friend of domineering person: Actually I am having lunch in 10 minutes with my daughter.

Domineering person: Oh! I didn’t realize you had plans. Please don’t cancel lunch with your daughter!

Why would someone automatically expect that their friend would cancel plans for a last minute invitation to lunch? How can that be someone’s first thought in this scenario? Even a friend is not going to cancel lunch with a loved one 10 minutes ahead of the date. That would be extremely rude except in the case of an emergency. So why would anyone jump to this conclusion? Entitlement. Thinking s/he is more important in someone’s life than their own child.

This, to me, is how domineering people live. They order people about and make assumptions based on a sense of false expectations and clueless entitlement.

Musings on forced femme & feminization

It’s a touchy subject. And it’s surrounded by heated debates almost every time it is brought up. Forced anything play.

I do it. I like it. Sometimes. And other times, I wouldn’t touch it under threat of death. (Slight exaggeration, but you get the picture.) Why? Well I’m glad you asked. I’ll tell you! And I’m using forced femme as my platform as I’ve just read something that insisted that all forms of forced femme stem from a place of misogyny. I have, therefore, just been called a misogynyst. Of course, I disagree.

I have two very different submissives right now. The Wild Thing wears panties every day. I took away all his “man” undergarments. He has one pair of black boxer briefs that he is allowed to keep in case he has some kind of emergency where he needs to present as male/masculine. Otherwise he wears panties. All day every day. It isn’t forced. I require it, but I didn’t force it out of him. It’s who he is. He owned some before we met along with some skirts and feminine lingerie. It’s natural to him. As natural and right as his having skin or legs or eyes. It was my choice to have him wear them all the time, but I did so because it is a part of him. I want him to know I think it’s sexy and beautiful and that I love to see him in his panties.

I also like to see The Husband in sexy feminine clothing. He has a love/hate relationship with wearing them. He doesn’t like wearing them. He likes being forced. I like to see him in them. I like forcing him. Many people would say that he’s a misogynistic jerk because he likes me to force him to wear women’s clothing. And that I am, by my participation in this activity, a party to misogyny. Because I’m forcing him to be “lesser” by making him dress in a feminine manner.

Now, I will agree that many people who participate in forced femme are coming from a place of misogyny. I’ve heard many a submissive man want me to force him into a pair of heels and a dress in order to access his submissive side. That he couldn’t submit any other way. As if somehow only women can be submissive because they are somehow meant to be. That is the kind of forced femme that I don’t like. I won’t do it. It does nothing for me. In fact, it’s a big turn-off.

But that isn’t how forced femme works for The Husband. It makes him uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel natural to him. It’s as if he suddenly sprouted feathers instead of having hair. I like making him uncomfortable. I like taking him out of his comfort zone. And, admittedly, he looks incredibly hot in lace and satin and a pair of heels. Which I love!

And he does see it as a form of humiliation. Not because he’s being feminized or made to be more like a woman. But because it’s not who he is. I would get the same reaction if I dressed him as an infant. And it certainly isn’t like he feels being a baby was a humiliating time in his life. Or that babies are somehow not ok. It simply isn’t who he is. And I don’t dress him like that because I find stockings and heels sexy and I don’t find diapers and baby bonnets sexy.

If I did, he might find himself in a baby bonnet and thigh high boots. Of course, he would do it. And be uncomfortable. And turned on by being taken out of his comfort zone. But I’d really rather see him in lace.

Daydreaming

In my perfect world…

I live in a relatively peaceful and joyous household with two gorgeous, loving, submissive men who are friends & who adore me. We have our good days and bad days as humans do, but we are all dedicated to being together for the long haul. We all want to be in the same auto, on the same journey, with me at the wheel. They agree that I will be able to do as I please with them sexually & with their bodies in general. I agree not to disregard their hard limits. They agree that unless there is some extremely compelling reason (such as loss of life, limb, or liberty), they will do things my way. I will not give them useless tasks or busy work just because I can. They will strive to make my life easier and more pleasurable. I will communicate clearly what I expect of them in order that they can make my life easier and more pleasurable. Because they are putting their trust in me, I will strive to make the best decisions for all of us. They will strive to abide by my decisions with grace. I will strive to take suggestions and criticism with grace.