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Musings on 24/7

I keep seeing discussions about how people choose their D/s partners and how they go about weeding the wheat from the chaff and what labels they are looking for and blah blah blah… Yes, it’s important to find partners you are actually compatible with. I get it. But one thing I DON’T get is how 24/7 seems to have become synonymous with TPE. Because I don’t agree with that idea at all.

Let me start by defining the terms 24/7 and TPE and how I come by those definitions. Because it’s vital to the reasoning behind my above referenced disagreement.

I define 24/7 as 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So it pertains to time. In this case it is a unit of time that basically does not end. It is an ongoing time period.

I define TPE (total power exchange) as a type of relationship where one or more persons has given authority to one or more persons over absolutely everything. And I mean EVERYTHING… job/no job, clothing worn (or not worn), how to spend free time, who does the chores, what kind of car to own (or not), length of nostril hairs, everything. So it pertains to a level of authority.

I find these two concepts to be related but NOT THE SAME THING. One has to do with time. The other has to do with authority. The way they are related (in my opinion) has to do with the level of authority exchange being total. Because I think it would be difficult to have total authority over someone for a limited time period. I suppose it would depend a lot on what one actually wanted to exert authority over. Because if I have a TPE agreement with someone only on the 12th of every month… and I tell him on the 12th of June that he has to quit his job? Well, that is going to extend beyond the 12th of June. So a TPE relationship is usually also a 24/7 relationship.

BUT…

Not all 24/7 relationships are TPE. And I find this to be an important distinction. I seek 24/7 relationships because some of the things I want authority over are things I want authority over ALL THE TIME. But I don’t need authority over everything. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had submissive men run scared because I mention that I like 24/7 D/s. They will start telling me how they can’t give up control of everything to someone. They aren’t a good fit because they want to retain some authority over things like friends, family, and work. And I am quick to point out my views on the difference between 24/7 and TPE.

But the fact remains that there are some things I want continuous authority over. All day every day. So yes, I am a 24/7 dominant looking for a 24/7 submissive. (Well I am not actually looking right now, but you get the point.) But I don’t care how long your nostril hairs are or if you want to wear a rainbow tie-die speedo to the beach. But I don’t want to share authority over how the towels are folded or how often my submissive orgasms.

So the tl;dr version is: TPE is about what things someone has authority over and 24/7 is about when someone has authority over something. But they really not the same thing at all.

Filler post here

As another blogger put it in her recent blog, the things we put on our social media are the highlights of our life. I have not had much to say lately because, well… there hasn’t been much to talk about. Just the minutia of daily living. Both the Husband and the Wild Thing have been quite busy. So there has been almost no time for fun, sex, or kink. I have largely been bored… focused on my work… revisiting my hobbies.

So this is a filler post put here to remind us all that life is not always exciting. Sometimes it is boring. Or tedious. Or unpleasant. And that is just as it should be.

Of course, I did finally get to play some with the Wild Thing this past weekend! It was worth the wait. He is incredibly beautiful when he is suffering.

Kink, finally

Well! I finally got to play some. It reminds me that I really need it. It isn’t a want, it’s a need. The normal way I function is that I can’t even think about throwing a flogger at someone I am not in a relationship with. (Or with whom I might at least have the strong possibility of a relationship with.) But the longer I go without having some kinky fun, the more unhappy I become. And if it gets too long, people I would normally never consider playing with will start to seem like a viable option.

And I’m not talking about the way they look or if they are a jerk. I mean people I have no business entangling in an ultimately dangerous web. Like my good friends. Who are wonderful as friends, but would very likely no longer be friends if I play with them and muck up our friendship. Which would be the most likely outcome. Since I tend to become inappropriately possessive. I have, too many times, fallen down that hole. And I have lost friends because of it. I don’t want to do that any more. Which is why I stopped playing with friends that I’m not interested in as romantic or sexual partners.

Thank goodness that the Husband and the Wild Thing are finally less busy. I just hope it stays that way. I don’t have so many friends that I am keen to lose them to my lust.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

I’ve been uninspired to post

I haven’t had anything to post about. There has been a distinct lack of kink in my life lately. I miss that. I miss my kink. I miss my husband, who is currently working in another city. I miss my dog who died. I miss the life I had this time last year. Right now I’m just listless and lonely. Thus, the lack of posting. But the good news is that things can get better. As soon as I work up the energy to change things.

Musings on success

Success is an interesting concept to me. It is, in my view, completely subjective. The ways we define success changes over time. When I was a child, success was measured in the smiles and hugs of my parents. When I was in school, success was measured in grades. After school, after childhood… success was more ephemeral and more elusive. How was I to measure it?

Traditional western culture measures success by how many things one owns sometimes. Sometimes by the kind of job oneĀ  has. Sometimes it is measured in dollar signs or the number on a scale or how many followers one has on social media. Everyone has their own measure of success.

My measure of personal success is has come full circle. I measure my success in smiles once again. Those of the people I care about and my own. My success is measured in joy and happiness. I want to be living a happy life. I want to help others find happiness in their own lives.

But I was thinking… is that how I measure success in my relationships? Is having a happy and joyous relationship how I measure myself to have a good and successful relationship? Do I expect my loves to make me happier and more joyous? I know that I do still measure my success by their smiles. But that is life success. Not relationship success. Do I measure success by years? I don’t have any good answers… yet. But I will.

This is my life: body image

Body image is a tricky subject for many people. Somewhat more complicated for most women than it is for most men. Sometimes it’s tricky for me. But mostly it isn’t. I do occasionally have my off days. My “bad hair” or “I feel unattractive” or “blah” days. But they are, by a landslide, outweighed by my good days.

Modern society thinks this shouldn’t be so. After all, I’m obese by medical standards. Otherwise knows as a big fat fatty McFatterson. I’m also old enough that I should be considered sexually irrelevant. But most days, I feel loved and attractive. And every day, I feel like a valuable human being regardless of what I look like.

So how do I manage to spend most of my days feeling lovely and loved? I wish I had a better answer than, “I just realized I’m lovely and loved.” But that is it. I don’t remember exactly when. But one day (after many years of hard work on my self esteem and body image) I simply woke up and felt a strong sense of my own worth. And that worth includes the exterior as well as the interior. I feel like I am someone beautiful enough to inspire lust. I feel like I am someone wise enough to inspire trust. I feel like someone other people would like to have in their life as a friend or lover. I’m not perfect. I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. But I have a lot to offer.

I believe that I don’t need to be any particular dress size to be beautiful. To have someone want me. To be desired and loved. I wish more people believed the same thing. Not about me. About themselves. So many people are not doing things. Not living the life they want. Not happy. All because they don’t like the person they are or the body they inhabit. Perfectly good bodies!

I suppose that I also believe that outward beauty isn’t everything. People are so much more than just a face and a body. So even if someone will never be a supermodel, it doesn’t matter. I will never be a supermodel. But that doesn’t mean I will never be a worthwhile person. I already AM a worthwhile person. Perhaps that is the source of my positive body image.

Realizing that bodies are great, but they aren’t everything.

Introvert + Poly: A work in progress

I have hardly had a moment to myself lately. That is both good and bad. The good part is that I’ve gotten to see family and friends. And I have gotten to spend a lot of time with both of my loves. All of that is great. But there is also a bad side.

I’m an introvert. I don’t like being around large groups of people I don’t know. I don’t even like being around small groups of people I don’t know. I also dislike being around large groups of people I do know and small groups of people I know. In short, I would make a very good hermit.

That also means that when I have had an hour or two without any company, the last thing I have wanted to do is blog. This is basically a means of communication with other people. And basically, when I have spent too much time around people…

DO NOT WANT!

It’s not that the people in my life are horrible people. They aren’t hard to be around. But this is just how my introversion works. I have actually had a whole day without company in my home. I have been alone. Utterly, completely, peacefully, beautifully,blessedly ALONE! It’s been glorious.

This, for me, was a huge hurdle in having a functional poly relationship. It’s simple really. It’s so obvious. Any idiot could have seen it. Except for me. I didn’t even consider my introverted nature when I started on my poly pathway. But any idiot could do the math. More people = less alone time.

For the most part, it has not been terrible. The Husband has the kind of job where he travels often. That worked perfectly well for me when we were a twosome. Then the Wild Thing came into the mix. Suddenly I had less than half of the free time I was used to having. It is a lot like having a traditional relationship. Instead of spending a whole day once a month or so and a few evenings a week with the Husband… suddenly I found almost every evening filled with another person. It was a major adjustment.

I love them. I want to spend time with them. I want to spend a lot of time with them. I do. And I do … spend a lot of time with them. It’s wonderful. I enjoy the time we spend together. But after several weeks of not having an evening to myself, I am incredibly happy to have a few days without any other humans in my living space. The holiday season was like this last year as well. I thought it was a fluke that I was so surrounded by people. Clearly not.

But next year… NEXT year I am going to plan better so that I have more time to myself. Otherwise I might flee my own home for the hills slightly less metaphorically than I did this year.