All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

I’ve been uninspired to post

I haven’t had anything to post about. There has been a distinct lack of kink in my life lately. I miss that. I miss my kink. I miss my husband, who is currently working in another city. I miss my dog who died. I miss the life I had this time last year. Right now I’m just listless and lonely. Thus, the lack of posting. But the good news is that things can get better. As soon as I work up the energy to change things.

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This is my life: I am a slave and you will do Master things to me right now!

When I first entered the kink scene, I thought I was a slave. I really believed that was where I fit in. It wasn’t, of course. But I hadn’t done any soul searching on the subject since I was brand new. I had no natural instinct about it. Perhaps because it all happened very suddenly and there were so many things happening at once. Perhaps it was because all of the examples of kink that I had before me were M/f. In the end, it doesn’t matter why, it matters that I wasn’t a slave. I wasn’t even submissive. What matters is that I did think about it eventually, after I slowed down enough to quit doing and start thinking. What matters is that I did find that natural instinct after I was not simply overwhelmed with delight in finding something that actually stirred me sexually.

So when I say that sometimes people are a little confused about exactly where they fall on the kink spectrum, I know from personal experience that it happens! When I say that sometimes, someone needs to figure out what actually works for them… brings them joy or personal fulfillment… turns them on… I know what I’m talking about. I think it’s wonderful when people are basically born with a whip in their hand. Those people who have these feelings or desires very early on have it all figured out by the time I was just stumbling into kink. They’re lucky.

I was not lucky so much as I was confused. I didn’t mean to mislead anyone. I genuinely thought I was great slave material! I was convinced I would make some nice man a wonderful slave. I was dead wrong. I am only happy that I didn’t have many dominant partners before I figured out that I was a dominant myself. And I thank the people who helped my on my journey in figuring that out. I admire their patience. I admire their restraint as well. Nobody yelled at me or tried to force me to be something I’m not. I haven’t always been so kind to the confused people in my life. I’m certainly not perfect. My past partners were merely trying to get me to do the things I said I wanted to do. To be the way I said I wanted to be.

But, of course, I wasn’t. And I didn’t want to do those things. I thought I was those things. But there is a world of difference between bottoming and submitting. And while I could manage bottoming, I never managed submitting. It was easy enough to get me to do the things I brought up. But I wasn’t very good at doing the things they wanted me to do. Sure, I might try it once to see if I liked it. But the problem was getting me to do anything more than once. And that was just in the context of play. I can’t even imagine the colossal pain in the ass I would have been if anything had ever moved from play partners to anything more.

So, my “submission” looked something like this:

Me: Hey, I saw this guy tying up this girl and spanking her. I want to try that with you.

Them: Well I am good with rope. I can totally do that.

 

Them: I am very good with a flogger. Have you ever been flogged?

Me: No, but it looked really fun to me when X was being flogged. I do think I want to try that!

 

Do you see a pattern here? I was keen to try new things. I was keen to do the things I wanted to do. But nowhere in there did I indicate that I wanted to do things with a thought to what they actually wanted. Nor did I ever indicate that I wanted to give up any control to anyone. I wanted to try the things I wanted to try. I wanted someone to do those things to me. Sure, I expected that they would enjoy the things to. But that was certainly not my main motivation.

Yes. I was a do-me bottom. And a confused one at that!

Not that being a bottom is wrong or bad. It isn’t. Bottoms are wonderful to have! They are the perfect counterpoint to tops. And do-me bottoms aren’t even a bad thing. They are the perfect counterpoint to service tops. But bottoming is not the same thing as submitting. And if you don’t have a conversation with your partner, it can lead to frustration and confusion. For both/all of you.

So listen up all you submissive people! Ask yourself if you want to do the things you want to do. Do you want to do the things that your partner wants to do? Maybe you want to do things that are mutually agreeable to all parties. Ask yourself if your main priority (not your only one, perhaps, but your main one) is you or your partner(s). Ask yourself if you want someone else making decisions about your scene. Or your life. Or maybe you want to be the one making those decisions. If your answers are anything like the examples above? Perhaps you are not submissive. Perhaps you are a bottom. Perhaps you are a do-me bottom. Perhaps you are actually… a dominant.

It happens sometimes that we are all a bit confused. And the best thing we can do for our own peace of mind and happiness is to give it some thought so that we can figure out what actually works for us. How can we find our happiness if we don’t even have a clue what it looks like?

Musings on what I like: actually submissive submissives

Logically, I know that not everyone will be attracted to what I’m attracted to. I’ve always acknowledged that I don’t really go for the stereotypically attractive men. I like slight men. Short. Wiry. Pretty. Submissive. While I can be attracted to men that the world might identify as “alpha,” (not that I personally care for that particular term) it’s much easier for me to be attracted to men who most would not label as alpha, leader, etc. It isn’t that I don’t like a man with his own personality. Or that inner strength. On the contrary, I appreciate a man who is unafraid to be whoever he is. But I have a special sweet spot in my heart for men who are unabashedly, whole heartedly, fearlessly submissive.

One who can embrace his desire to hand over authority to me. One who wants to do things that make me happy. One who embraces the part of himself that revels in making my life more pleasurable. I have sometimes worried that my style of dominance doesn’t resonate as dominant to many people. I don’t really want to deal with someone who won’t willingly hand over authority once he knows I’m trustworthy. I also refuse to act dominantly before I consent to it. Which can also be a potential turn-off to potential submissives. But when it works, it’s brilliant.

That fearlessly submissive man who clicks with me empowers me to look at my own desires and make them known to him. To expect that he will do the things I ask him to do. To find my nurturing side, which can only express itself through my ability to be the dominant partner. Because that does seem to be the only way it will come to the fore with me. If he isn’t submitting to my authority, taking care of my most basic of needs… then my desire to nurture is basically nonexistent. It isn’t that I don’t care about someone who isn’t submitting to me. I can and have. But there’s caring, and there’s the desire to nurture and help him be the absolute best he can be.

And that only seems to come out once I am confident in his joyous submission to me.

Musings on success

Success is an interesting concept to me. It is, in my view, completely subjective. The ways we define success changes over time. When I was a child, success was measured in the smiles and hugs of my parents. When I was in school, success was measured in grades. After school, after childhood… success was more ephemeral and more elusive. How was I to measure it?

Traditional western culture measures success by how many things one owns sometimes. Sometimes by the kind of job oneĀ  has. Sometimes it is measured in dollar signs or the number on a scale or how many followers one has on social media. Everyone has their own measure of success.

My measure of personal success is has come full circle. I measure my success in smiles once again. Those of the people I care about and my own. My success is measured in joy and happiness. I want to be living a happy life. I want to help others find happiness in their own lives.

But I was thinking… is that how I measure success in my relationships? Is having a happy and joyous relationship how I measure myself to have a good and successful relationship? Do I expect my loves to make me happier and more joyous? I know that I do still measure my success by their smiles. But that is life success. Not relationship success. Do I measure success by years? I don’t have any good answers… yet. But I will.

This is my life: body image

Body image is a tricky subject for many people. Somewhat more complicated for most women than it is for most men. Sometimes it’s tricky for me. But mostly it isn’t. I do occasionally have my off days. My “bad hair” or “I feel unattractive” or “blah” days. But they are, by a landslide, outweighed by my good days.

Modern society thinks this shouldn’t be so. After all, I’m obese by medical standards. Otherwise knows as a big fat fatty McFatterson. I’m also old enough that I should be considered sexually irrelevant. But most days, I feel loved and attractive. And every day, I feel like a valuable human being regardless of what I look like.

So how do I manage to spend most of my days feeling lovely and loved? I wish I had a better answer than, “I just realized I’m lovely and loved.” But that is it. I don’t remember exactly when. But one day (after many years of hard work on my self esteem and body image) I simply woke up and felt a strong sense of my own worth. And that worth includes the exterior as well as the interior. I feel like I am someone beautiful enough to inspire lust. I feel like I am someone wise enough to inspire trust. I feel like someone other people would like to have in their life as a friend or lover. I’m not perfect. I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. But I have a lot to offer.

I believe that I don’t need to be any particular dress size to be beautiful. To have someone want me. To be desired and loved. I wish more people believed the same thing. Not about me. About themselves. So many people are not doing things. Not living the life they want. Not happy. All because they don’t like the person they are or the body they inhabit. Perfectly good bodies!

I suppose that I also believe that outward beauty isn’t everything. People are so much more than just a face and a body. So even if someone will never be a supermodel, it doesn’t matter. I will never be a supermodel. But that doesn’t mean I will never be a worthwhile person. I already AM a worthwhile person. Perhaps that is the source of my positive body image.

Realizing that bodies are great, but they aren’t everything.

Introvert + Poly: A work in progress

I have hardly had a moment to myself lately. That is both good and bad. The good part is that I’ve gotten to see family and friends. And I have gotten to spend a lot of time with both of my loves. All of that is great. But there is also a bad side.

I’m an introvert. I don’t like being around large groups of people I don’t know. I don’t even like being around small groups of people I don’t know. I also dislike being around large groups of people I do know and small groups of people I know. In short, I would make a very good hermit.

That also means that when I have had an hour or two without any company, the last thing I have wanted to do is blog. This is basically a means of communication with other people. And basically, when I have spent too much time around people…

DO NOT WANT!

It’s not that the people in my life are horrible people. They aren’t hard to be around. But this is just how my introversion works. I have actually had a whole day without company in my home. I have been alone. Utterly, completely, peacefully, beautifully,blessedly ALONE! It’s been glorious.

This, for me, was a huge hurdle in having a functional poly relationship. It’s simple really. It’s so obvious. Any idiot could have seen it. Except for me. I didn’t even consider my introverted nature when I started on my poly pathway. But any idiot could do the math. More people = less alone time.

For the most part, it has not been terrible. The Husband has the kind of job where he travels often. That worked perfectly well for me when we were a twosome. Then the Wild Thing came into the mix. Suddenly I had less than half of the free time I was used to having. It is a lot like having a traditional relationship. Instead of spending a whole day once a month or so and a few evenings a week with the Husband… suddenly I found almost every evening filled with another person. It was a major adjustment.

I love them. I want to spend time with them. I want to spend a lot of time with them. I do. And I do … spend a lot of time with them. It’s wonderful. I enjoy the time we spend together. But after several weeks of not having an evening to myself, I am incredibly happy to have a few days without any other humans in my living space. The holiday season was like this last year as well. I thought it was a fluke that I was so surrounded by people. Clearly not.

But next year… NEXT year I am going to plan better so that I have more time to myself. Otherwise I might flee my own home for the hills slightly less metaphorically than I did this year.

Passive and active domination

So I have long thought that one of the main distinctions in how one does D/s is whether or not the person wants to be more passive or more active. And it seems natural or “normal” that the active partner “should” be the dominant person and the passive partner “should” be the submissive partner. But does it have to be that way? Is there a “should” to it? I don’t think so.

I think that it can work either way depending on how the people fit together. On a personal level, I prefer to be more active in my kinky play and mostly passive in my actual dominance. I have some strong opinions on how I want things done and how I want my relationships to run. And they don’t include much continual micromanagement or attention (in a D/s way… I actually love spending quality time with my submissive partners). So I am active in letting the submissive know how I want to do things or have things done. But once I explain how I want something done/not done, I don’t want to have to hover over them. I also don’t want to have to assert my dominance over anyone on a daily basis for them to continue to want to submit to me. I prefer those who want to follow my instruction & give me the authority over things… and then we just both understand that those things will be done my way without any further prodding or asserting on my part.

And since things can mean different things to different people, here is how I am defining things:

Passive domination… does not require any micromanagement or constant attention. Once the order/request/rule is set, things just continue to happen on their own. The submissive just does it the way s/he has been told to, and the dominant goes on about their business.

Active domination… requires the dominant to do or say something. The dominant must initiate by word or physicality. To set the original rule. To do some kind of physical action. To pay attention to the submissive. It is continual and interactive.

Neither is wrong or better than the other. And they can work well together. But I think it’s a good thing to know where one falls on the spectrum. A dominant who largely prefers to set things in place then just sit back unless something crops up is not going to be a good match for a submissive who likes to have lots of D/s interaction. A dominant who likes to micromanage is not going to be a good fit for a submissive who likes to be given direction and then turned loose.

As an example, we could look at dinner. What if the people involved agree that part of the D/s is that the dominant gets to decide what the submissive will eat for dinner. Here are a few ways that might look a bit different.

Active: The dominant will order for the submissive at the restaurant. The dominant will tell the submissive what to fix for dinner or fix dinner hirself. The dominant will approve or disapprove every time the submissive orders food at a restaurant, even if that is done via a text or phone call.

Passive: The dominant will ask the submissive what zie wants for dinner and see if that plan suits the dominant. The dominant will ask the submissive what zie is ordering before the waitperson gets to the table in case the dominant wants the submissive to order something else. The dominant gives the submissive a list of “This week’s dinner option” so the submissive will know what is OK to eat no matter where dinner ends up happening.

Or how abut laundry?

Passive: The dominant says, I want you to do laundry every week on Tuesday. If there is any upcoming trip or special need for an extra laundry day, I will let you know about it. Please separate the laundry by whites, colors, darks, and delicates. Do not wash the types together. Only wash the whites in hot and the delicates in cold. This is the laundry detergent that I want you to use. If it’s running low, let me know so I can get more before the next Tuesday. And then it isn’t mentioned again until or unless a clarification is needed.

Active: The dominant says I want you to do laundry tomorrow. This is the detergent I want you to use. I will make sure you have what you need to do my laundry. Separate the laundry into whites & colors. There are no other types of laundry this time. But next time there might be. Never wash them in the same load. If I need you to do an extra laundry day, I will call/text/write to let you know to come over and do laundry immediately. I will be checking on you to make sure you are doing my laundry the way I want it done.

Perhaps a dominant wants to have a total power exchange relationship. One where zie has authority over everything in a submissive’s life including things like money, job choice, living arrangements, friends, family contact, & schedules. But that dominant also wants a partner whose core values and life goals match that of the dominant extremely well. That might end up meaning that the dominant does not often actually exert much authority because the submissive already makes choices that the dominant would like hir to make. For some people, the lack of actually asserting the authority/having the authority asserted would be heaven. For others it would no longer feel like a D/s relationship.

Very different approaches. Does one sound better to you? Does one sound like too much work or not enough contact? That can be a good clue as to which approach might work best for you. But sometimes you just don’t know until you try it. Additionally, active or passive can sometimes come into play as to how much a dominant actually wants to exert hir dominance. (Or how often a submissive wants to have hir dominant exert authority.)

Personally, I like a little bit of both. My active dominance comes in when I originally accept authority over something. I will set rules or parameters that I want the submissive to follow. And I reserve the right to check up as I feel necessary. But after I set the rules (and have assured myself that he is doing things my way), I won’t be likely to ever mention it again. I expect that things will continue on in this vein unless something significant changes.

This means that in the beginning of my relationships, as I am taking things slow, my style of dominance is fairly active. But as time goes on, it becomes very passive. And that is how I like it. However, it can be an issue when someone who likes a very “hands-on” approach stops getting that after the initial part of the relationship. So it becomes my job to make sure that those attracted to the idea of a lot of active domination understand that they probably won’t be a good fit for me. And it is also my job to reassure the ones who like a more passive style of dominance, that we are actually a good fit if he can make it past the first bit!