I think I’ve been doing a little bit too much experiencing and not enough actual doing. It is a large part of my nature to experience. But experiencing isn’t the same as doing things. It’s been a strange week. Not at all a bad week. But a strange one. So many random things have come out of this week.
I am much more emotional than I’d like to be. By that, what I mean is not that I wish to be a robotic person who doesn’t experience emotions. Emotions are a part of the human experience unless one is sociopathic. But my emotions lately are overwhelming and close to the surface. So calm is a thing of my past. My current reality is that I am in a continuous emotional storm that I’m having trouble adjusting to. To continue my sailing analogy, I’m in the middle of a gale almost continually so I spend all my time running madly around the ship trying to adjust the sails so the boat doesn’t sink. It isn’t a comfortable place to be. It isn’t a place I’d like to stay. My emotions are running the show most of the time. I don’t like it.
I am also extremely frustrated by getting older. One of the things about having younger partners is that I am often reminded that I’m no longer a twentysomething. Or a thirtysomething. And we’ll just stop there. But this last year has been the first year where my physical body has undergone the kind of changes that seem to come with the aging process. As a result, I am now feeling betrayed by my own body. Where once we were a team, working together to get the things done that I either wanted or needed to do… now we feel like enemies. I want or need to do a thing, and my body won’t let me. It’s incredibly disheartening. Logically, I knew the day would come when I would be “old,” I just didn’t expect it to be quite this soon. And I find myself resentful. I still have the desire to do all the things. I just can’t do a lot of them any more. Wasn’t I supposed to lose my sex drive and my desire to do all the “wild youth” things by now?
I am also coming to a changing point yet again in looking at what I can and can’t do … what I do and don’t need from a D/s and kink perspective. I think that 24/7 is no longer an option, now it is a need. And I also think that I need more life skills. If I’m going to be responsible for one or more people (and I am coming to believe that is what it’s going to come to) on a more or less daily basis, then I need to be much more certain that I have the skills to back it up. Time to get off the proverbial sofa and beef up my economic house. Being debt free & having a small savings isn’t enough any more. I need to get some knowledge about things like investing and retirement planning. One medical emergency or home issue could easily eat up my entire savings and leave me unable to provide for loved ones. Reality check. Adulthood sometimes sucks.
Posted in ageing, change, D/s, musings, my life
Tagged ageing, change, D/s, musings, my life, needs, priorities
I am generally good at following my dreams and being happy. In my humble opinion, those are some very good things to be good at. It’s led me to where I am now, which is a pretty good life! I have (a few) people who care a lot about me. And that’s always been plenty. I have a roof over my head and food on my plate. I have always done things that I enjoy, so I love my work. But…
Lately I have had these unexpected and unusual feelings. I find that I want a larger (by a few people, not a crowd) circle of close friends. I want people in my life I can be myself around. Talk to about minutiae and the weather and deep philosophical theories. Complain to about the minutiae and the weather and my deep philosophical theories. People who can accept me with all my flaws and shortcomings. Flawed people I can accept and want to spend my time with. For the first time in my life, I feel lonely. My circle of friends has slowly shrunk. So I’ve been trying to fix that issue by reaching out. You never know what person will turn out to be a fantastic friend.
I have all the things I need. I don’t have to sleep on the ground outside in the rain. I don’t have to worry about my food or water making me ill. Or if there will even be any. I live a very comfortable life. For now. But I am finally feeling my age. I am finally starting to consider a time when I won’t be able to provide for myself any more. It’s a bit frightening. I certainly have no faith that the government will be able to help with that. I also don’t have any children who might help support me. I can see a time in the future where I might not be able to work. Or even just a time when I’m tired and don’t want to work any more no matter how much I might enjoy what I’m doing. So I’m trying to learn about retirement planning. It’s slow going. But if I don’t start now, I might end up never starting. Then when I want (or need) to retire, I won’t be able to.
I’m already feeling that the physicality of my work taking a toll. Yet it is daunting to think of starting a fourth career. Especially at this age.
Partially, I think that surrounding myself with younger people is now affecting me differently than it usually has. Usually I find it energizing and fun and I don’t feel any different than them. But recently that has changed. I feel… different. I feel that I am in a very different stage of life even though I am looking at going back to school. I may read the same books, listen to the same music, wear the same clothes… but I’m not the same.
I see their passion and I think I’ve lost mine. It’s been a while since I felt the excitement and passion I see in people just starting out on their life path. I remember it. But I don’t have it in my life right now. I haven’t for several years. I used to be where they are. I have been there three times. I suppose it adds up. Now when I have an interest in things, I look at them with an eye to the future. I realize that something I might find all-consuming now, I might be disinterested in 10 years down the line. It isn’t that I envy their passion. I just miss it.
I also feel very keenly that while they have all the time in the world to study and learn things and perfect their art/craft/profession… if I were to find something I could feel that unbridled passion for, I don’t have that kind of time. I no longer have all the time in the world. For the first time in my life, I feel the passage of time. I feel my own mortality. I feel my body slowly betraying me by slowing down when I want to run. I feel that there are things that I might want to do, places that I would like to see… that I won’t have time for.
I don’t regret the life I have lived so far. I have done things I loved. I’ve loved passionately. I’ve lived happily. But for the first time, I feel like I want… something different. I want to do something different. And I fear I won’t have all the time in the world to explore whatever that turns out to be.
This post has been something I’ve thought about for a while now. I’m still not exactly sure what I’m saying with it, but I’m in a writing mood lately, so I’m going to just write and see what comes out.
I read a post on another blot that’s written by a male submissive. He’s getting older and is fearful that he will never find a suitable mate (a dominant woman, he’s straight) because he’s getting older. And he is starting to feel sexually irrelevant. My first reaction upon reading this post was a resounding “Welcome to my world,” followed by a strong dose of “How does it feel when the shoe is on the other foot?” Because this is something women have lived with for hundreds of years. I know it sounds terrible. I know that even thinking that makes me a first class bitch. It’s an honest account of my initial reaction to a very long and whiny post about finding someone to love and be loved by.
And really, I get it. Part of what makes me angry about it is that I’ve seen it. I have women friends who are significantly older than I am. And to a certain extent, I’m living it. As I’ve gotten older, I’m dealing with it some myself. Perhaps a bit less than vanilla or submissive women since being dominant woman gives me a little bit of privilege in the “finding a suitable mate” department. And really I have it very easy compared to a lot of people. Not only am I a dominant woman, which is supposedly the rarest of the rare (and therefore much more desirable). And for dominants, usually older is more desirable (at least up to a point). I’ve also got a few other factors on my side. I don’t look as old as I am. This gives me a bit of privilege since, for women, younger has always been stereotypically more desirable than being older. I also currently have a spouse. So in the search for partners, I have already “won.” I have one. I think that if I were trying to date in the vanilla world as a single woman, I’d be in a similar boat to most women and this submissive man.
I’d feel like my chances were dwindling. Slim and getting slimmer every day. Society tells us that if you aren’t young and buff, you’re not desirable. And that’s a pretty rough place to live.
So to the aging male submissives, I don’t really want to say “Buck up, we women have been living with this for centuries.” What I really want to say is:
I understand. I know how you feel. I know it stinks to think that all the dominant women out there seem to only be interested in younger men. I sympathize with your fears and concerns. It’s not a good feeling to think that you’re less valuable than someone else based purely on something you have no control over. I wish that things were different. And the good news is that sometimes they are different. Because I also know from experience and observation that not everyone worships at the altar of youth. The things that society at large tells us “everyone” wants? Not everyone wants those things. Sometimes even the people who might tell you they want those things don’t want those things. They know they don’t want those things but are too scared to step outside the “societally approved” box. And sometimes people don’t even know they don’t want those things yet. They figure it out eventually. No matter how old you are, someone will want you. Probably several someones will want you. So don’t worry. You aren’t sexually irrelevant. Your age isn’t going to disqualify you from ever finding someone. I know it’s frightening. The good and the bad news is that I bet all the women your age, no matter their orientation, know how you feel. I bet if you have a care for their fears and feelings, they will also have a care for yours.
I have so much on my mind today. I am not sure how coherent I can manage to be.
I think perhaps most of this has to do with growing. Growing in experiences and what they teach me. Growing older. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago. Not even close. In some ways I am a much better person. I learned how to love. That’s huge. I learned how not to be a selfish bitch. I learned how to express what I need. Hell… I learned what it is that I need. That’s also huge. But I have also learned not to trust. The thing about learning how to open up enough to care about other people means they can hurt you. Generally I handle emotional and mental pain very well. I have dealt with it so well I don’t think I realized how it was deteriorating my trust in people. It permeates my whole life. I used to be slightly innocent. Probably too innocent. But I think those days are long gone. Now I’m a strange blend of jaded with massive trust issues and still some naivety. I feel like trying to be in just one romantic/serious relationship right now is pretty ambitious for me. Two might be completely out. I hadn’t realized it had gotten this bad. But I think it has. I feel damaged. I don’t like being unable to trust. And apparently my attempts to fix it have just made it worse.
Also, I can apparently compartmentalize incredibly well. So well I can completely put away something in the back of my mind that would likely make another person positively livid… and just carry on. I’m not sure it’s a good thing. Right now I’d very much like to just compartmentalize away my ability to care about anything or anyone. I’d like to be able to just put it on the back burner and leave it there until I work through my trust issues and learn a better vetting process for the people I’m in relationships with. I am so very tired of being lied to. How can I possibly fix my trust issues when I’m surrounded by so many lies. It’s bad enough being lied to by politics and popular media. I don’t particularly trust people to turn just because their turn signal is on. I don’t trust people to stop at stop signs. I don’t believe the husband any more when it comes to whether or not he’s doing things he’s not supposed to be doing. I have to lie when someone at work asks me what I did last weekend. I hate it. That is what my life has taught me. You can’t trust anyone because everyone lies. That is what I have learned. That is how I have grown.
I have no safe harbor for my trust to find a home in when my whole life is full of lies.
Also, a very handsome young man hit on me at the gym. I remember once I would have found it annoying. Now I don’t. I was flattered even though it was still slightly awkward. I’m sure it was just a awkward for him learning how old I am and that I’m married in addition to the fact that I am absolutely terrible at flirting. But I wish I could go back and thank him. Thank you for reminding me that though the husband thinks I’m much too old to attract anyone not older than I am… that’s just not true. Thank you for hitting on me and then coming back and trying to get my number even though I was sweaty and had no makeup on. Thank you for thinking I was still hot in my natural state. No makeup. No high heels. No latex. Nothing. Thank you so much very handsome young man at the gym. You came along right when I needed it.