Tag Archives: D/s

When 2 halves don’t make a whole

I am sure the few readers I have might have noticed that I haven’t been writing much lately. Partially it has been that I have not had much time alone. And it’s very hard to keep an anonymous blog when your loves are looking over your shoulder at what you are typing. Also, vanilla life has gotten busy. But in addition…

I have not been doing much in the way of kinky play or D/s. In fact, both of my relationships have been gearing down from those things and steering in a much more vanilla direction. I do still have some kinky play times and some D/s in my life. But it isn’t nearly what it was a few years ago. So I simply have less to write about.

I wish I could say that I’m happy with this situation. But it seems that I keep finding myself in this kind of situation. (This has not been my first foray into multiple partners.) One, two, three partners, and very little kink in my life. You would think that with more partners, you would of necessity be getting more play. More D/s. Apparently it doesn’t always follow. The only way that I have found more kinky play (though not more D/s) with multiple partners are the times I have done more casual play with friends.

Now I find myself feeling that I am approaching a crossroads. I find the older that I get, the harder it is for me to find chemistry with anyone. The less often I am attracted to anyone on even the most rudimentary level. The less I have in common with any one person. And yet the more I find that what I need in my life is one (or two) permanent and committed relationship(s) with plenty of authority transfer and kinky play times. And I find myself needing someone (or someones) who has plenty of time to spend on me.

What I currently have are two halves of that equation. I have two partners with whom I have things in common and they have been fairly committed and permanent. But the kink and D/s have been fading into dust. They have become… are becoming… half relationships. Half relationships with men that I still love. And that aren’t filling my needs.

The Husband accepted a job that has taken him to another state. Our relationship has become long-distance. It was supposed to be temporary, but after a few years, it becomes clear that it isn’t. He is happy and doing work that suits his talents. This is wonderful! For him. But it is slowly killing our relationship. And it has already killed our kinky play and D/s. He no longer feels like mine. He feels like a handsome stranger that I want to get to know but can’t. Not enough time.

The Wild Thing was never going to be a forever relationship. There are too many things that he wants from life that I can’t deliver. And as those things return to his consciousness after the NRE and rose-colored-glasses phase of our relationship fades (we have had quite a long time, over 2 years of NRE and rose-colored-glasses), he doesn’t feel like mine either. He feels like a horse comfortable in the yoke but ready to start running free. And I want him to be able to run free. I never want to hold anyone back from being who they are.

But that leaves me with two vanilla halves of a relationship that don’t… can’t add up to a whole for someone who NEEDS the passionate whippings. The willing servitude. The concession of will. The hours of time together. And the joy in all these things must be mutual. When the joy and the enthusiasm is one-sided, I lose my energy and will to sustain things on my own.

I need a partner in crime. Someone or someones who glory in bending to my will and being the canvas for my passion. They must be in it with me. I am sad that I don’t have these things.

But I am also hesitantly hopeful that those things are out there. And that I can and will find him. Or them. And hesitantly hopeful for the men I love to find whatever it is that they need as well. Because I don’t think it is me. And I am cowardly. Because I have no idea how to go about speaking about this with them. I do still love them. I don’t want to damage them. And I can’t tell if staying together will damage them more than parting our paths.

Running List of Things I Want Authority Over

This is not a comprehensive list. Contents subject to change without notice. The term “you” in no way implies the personage of the reader of this document without consent of both parties. Blahblahlegaleseblah…

 

What you eat & drink when you are with me.

What audiovisual entertainment we utilize when together such as television, movies, concerts, plays, sports, etc.

Orgasms & genital/anal touching.

Sex acts. Frequency, length of the sex acts, who participates in sex acts, and type of sex acts.

Play. Frequency, length of time, and types of play.

Body hair & facial hair. Preferably all the time but definitely when we are together.

What you wear under your everyday clothing and also all kink event/playtime clothing.

Decor and arrangement of furniture in any place I will be living for more than a short time. Having a “man cave” is fine as space allows.

How the towels and sheets are folded any place I will be living for more than a short time.

Position of the toilet seat/lid any place I will be staying for one night or more.

Whether or not we have pets of any kind.

Who does what chores when.

When food/beverages occur when we are together.

Who drives what vehicle and the route we take to get where we are going.

Any major household purchase such as roofing, furniture, or appliances.

Any household services such as yard service or cable television.

This is my life: I am a slave and you will do Master things to me right now!

When I first entered the kink scene, I thought I was a slave. I really believed that was where I fit in. It wasn’t, of course. But I hadn’t done any soul searching on the subject since I was brand new. I had no natural instinct about it. Perhaps because it all happened very suddenly and there were so many things happening at once. Perhaps it was because all of the examples of kink that I had before me were M/f. In the end, it doesn’t matter why, it matters that I wasn’t a slave. I wasn’t even submissive. What matters is that I did think about it eventually, after I slowed down enough to quit doing and start thinking. What matters is that I did find that natural instinct after I was not simply overwhelmed with delight in finding something that actually stirred me sexually.

So when I say that sometimes people are a little confused about exactly where they fall on the kink spectrum, I know from personal experience that it happens! When I say that sometimes, someone needs to figure out what actually works for them… brings them joy or personal fulfillment… turns them on… I know what I’m talking about. I think it’s wonderful when people are basically born with a whip in their hand. Those people who have these feelings or desires very early on have it all figured out by the time I was just stumbling into kink. They’re lucky.

I was not lucky so much as I was confused. I didn’t mean to mislead anyone. I genuinely thought I was great slave material! I was convinced I would make some nice man a wonderful slave. I was dead wrong. I am only happy that I didn’t have many dominant partners before I figured out that I was a dominant myself. And I thank the people who helped my on my journey in figuring that out. I admire their patience. I admire their restraint as well. Nobody yelled at me or tried to force me to be something I’m not. I haven’t always been so kind to the confused people in my life. I’m certainly not perfect. My past partners were merely trying to get me to do the things I said I wanted to do. To be the way I said I wanted to be.

But, of course, I wasn’t. And I didn’t want to do those things. I thought I was those things. But there is a world of difference between bottoming and submitting. And while I could manage bottoming, I never managed submitting. It was easy enough to get me to do the things I brought up. But I wasn’t very good at doing the things they wanted me to do. Sure, I might try it once to see if I liked it. But the problem was getting me to do anything more than once. And that was just in the context of play. I can’t even imagine the colossal pain in the ass I would have been if anything had ever moved from play partners to anything more.

So, my “submission” looked something like this:

Me: Hey, I saw this guy tying up this girl and spanking her. I want to try that with you.

Them: Well I am good with rope. I can totally do that.

 

Them: I am very good with a flogger. Have you ever been flogged?

Me: No, but it looked really fun to me when X was being flogged. I do think I want to try that!

 

Do you see a pattern here? I was keen to try new things. I was keen to do the things I wanted to do. But nowhere in there did I indicate that I wanted to do things with a thought to what they actually wanted. Nor did I ever indicate that I wanted to give up any control to anyone. I wanted to try the things I wanted to try. I wanted someone to do those things to me. Sure, I expected that they would enjoy the things to. But that was certainly not my main motivation.

Yes. I was a do-me bottom. And a confused one at that!

Not that being a bottom is wrong or bad. It isn’t. Bottoms are wonderful to have! They are the perfect counterpoint to tops. And do-me bottoms aren’t even a bad thing. They are the perfect counterpoint to service tops. But bottoming is not the same thing as submitting. And if you don’t have a conversation with your partner, it can lead to frustration and confusion. For both/all of you.

So listen up all you submissive people! Ask yourself if you want to do the things you want to do. Do you want to do the things that your partner wants to do? Maybe you want to do things that are mutually agreeable to all parties. Ask yourself if your main priority (not your only one, perhaps, but your main one) is you or your partner(s). Ask yourself if you want someone else making decisions about your scene. Or your life. Or maybe you want to be the one making those decisions. If your answers are anything like the examples above? Perhaps you are not submissive. Perhaps you are a bottom. Perhaps you are a do-me bottom. Perhaps you are actually… a dominant.

It happens sometimes that we are all a bit confused. And the best thing we can do for our own peace of mind and happiness is to give it some thought so that we can figure out what actually works for us. How can we find our happiness if we don’t even have a clue what it looks like?

Musings on what I like: actually submissive submissives

Logically, I know that not everyone will be attracted to what I’m attracted to. I’ve always acknowledged that I don’t really go for the stereotypically attractive men. I like slight men. Short. Wiry. Pretty. Submissive. While I can be attracted to men that the world might identify as “alpha,” (not that I personally care for that particular term) it’s much easier for me to be attracted to men who most would not label as alpha, leader, etc. It isn’t that I don’t like a man with his own personality. Or that inner strength. On the contrary, I appreciate a man who is unafraid to be whoever he is. But I have a special sweet spot in my heart for men who are unabashedly, whole heartedly, fearlessly submissive.

One who can embrace his desire to hand over authority to me. One who wants to do things that make me happy. One who embraces the part of himself that revels in making my life more pleasurable. I have sometimes worried that my style of dominance doesn’t resonate as dominant to many people. I don’t really want to deal with someone who won’t willingly hand over authority once he knows I’m trustworthy. I also refuse to act dominantly before I consent to it. Which can also be a potential turn-off to potential submissives. But when it works, it’s brilliant.

That fearlessly submissive man who clicks with me empowers me to look at my own desires and make them known to him. To expect that he will do the things I ask him to do. To find my nurturing side, which can only express itself through my ability to be the dominant partner. Because that does seem to be the only way it will come to the fore with me. If he isn’t submitting to my authority, taking care of my most basic of needs… then my desire to nurture is basically nonexistent. It isn’t that I don’t care about someone who isn’t submitting to me. I can and have. But there’s caring, and there’s the desire to nurture and help him be the absolute best he can be.

And that only seems to come out once I am confident in his joyous submission to me.

How to submit (to me)

Over on Not Just Bitchy, Stabbity asks What does submission mean to you? Well, I’ll tell you.

To me, it is a very simple thing. Submission means that the person wanting to submit wants to give up some level of control or authority to someone else in their personal relationship(s).

That is the core of submission as far as I am concerned. It does not have anything to do with bondage, whips, boot licking, small penises, being naked around your partner(s), wearing a particular type of clothing, being a particular gender, or putting your mouth on your partner’s genitalia. Any or all of those things can be fun and wonderful, but they are not indicators of submission to me. Submission is not found in any one act or lack of action. It comes from within the person wanting to submit, and is a core desire/need as opposed to an act or action.

How does that work for me in particular? Well I’ll tell you that too! (Now that I am beginning to have more of an idea myself.)

First, submission from my partners must originate from them. It must not rely on some action or inspiration from me. It needs to be one of their core… needs. I appreciate that he doesn’t necessarily want to submit to just anyone. That not any person with a pulse will do. But the actual desire to submit to someone who is a good fit as a partner, lover, or both… should always be there in him. Even when he is not in a D/s relationship.

And I do think that it needs to be a desire that does not just surface when he is in a relationship. Because it is such a core need of mine, I don’t think I would be a good fit for someone who didn’t have that burning desire to find the right woman to submit to. The way that I want to dominate someone does not seem to diminish due to mood, illness, injury, bad hair days, or happiness on my part. It simply is. All the time. Every day.

In addition, the way that I want submission is that it should come naturally with grace. I do not what to have to continually earn or fight for his submission. Negotiation is wonderful and desirable. But once he agrees to hand over control of something to me, I don’t want to have to argue about it. If some compelling reason he can no longer submit in a particular way should arise, we can renegotiate. But it had better be a more compelling reason than he doesn’t feel like it.

Lastly, that desire to give up some degree of control or authority should, in and of itself, fulfill him. I don’t expect it to be the only fulfilling thing in his life, but I do expect that it should bring him fulfillment to be able to give control to someone else. Frankly, having responsibility for someone else is a lot of work. I don’t want to have to do additional work of convincing him that submission is awesome and what he should be doing to bring some happiness into his life. I am certainly happy to let him know how much I appreciate his submission and how much I value it. But I want him to also realize that, as a core need of his, that our relationship is meeting that need to submit as much as it meets my need to dominate.

How to dom (or, you know, not)

I see so many online posts & blogs about what dominance is. What makes a good dominant. What makes a bad dominant. How does one be the best dominant one can be. I hear a lot of discussion about it at educational events and parties as well. It is a very popular topic. And everyone seems to have at least some opinion on the matter. Including me.

One thing I see and hear over and over and OVER again, is that dominants are leaders. In fact, this opinion seems nearly universal. It’s odd that so many diverse groups hold this singular opinion. Goreans and female supremacists may not agree on anything about how D/s works, but I’d bet you that a quite significant portion of both groups (if not all) would agree that dominants lead and submissives follow. So where does that leave the dominants who don’t want to be leaders? (Or the submissives who don’t necessarily want to be follwers?) And what does it even look like when the dominant doesn’t want to dominate that way?

I don’t agree with this prevailing opinion on dominants as leaders. I think it can work that way. I think it frequently does work that way. But I don’t think it has to or even needs to work that way. Here are just a few examples of definitions of dominant.

  • most important, powerful, or influential
  • having or asserting authority or influence
  • controlling

None of those definitions say anything about leading or being a leader. Sure, there are some definitions of dominant which do mention leading, but my point is that there are ways to dominate without being a leader.

I think that it can work perfectly well when one looks at dominance from a perspective of control and asserting authority. I don’t need to lead in order to be the person who has control over something. I don’t need to lead to be the person who has the authority to make decisions. Am I leading when I decide what I want to eat for dinner? I certainly don’t feel like I am leading. I don’t have any grand plan, I just want lasagna for dinner. I have the authority to make that decision, because we have agreed that he will give me that authority. Therefore I can say we will have lasagna for dinner.

Even on a grander scale, I don’t feel like I am leading when I decide what color we will paint the walls. Or which car we will buy. Or where we will go on holiday. But I do have the authority to make those decisions. So if I want to, I can decide all those things. None of those things will lead us into a better relationship. (Well, a nice holiday might well better our relationship!)

But where is the leadership? None of those things will take us down a path that I have chosen and planned out. They are not designed to better him or us. I am not trying to inspire him to do things the way I want them done because I’m such an exceptional person. (Spoiler alert, I’m not.) They are simply things that I can decide on because he has given me the authority to do so.

So how does it work? It works because having authority and being a leader are not actually the same thing. And when one has the authority in a relationship, one can be said to be the dominant party. It works because a submissive wants to give up control or authority, and does so.

Musings on “power slaves”

I attend a lot of classes and workshops. One of my least favorite was from a few years ago. I had been looking forward to the class. It was being given by a very well respected M/s couple. They teach all the time and get rave reviews, so I was expecting to get some useful information from the class. It has been a while. What did I learn about M/s relationships that day?

If she is a great example of a power slave, I don’t ever want one.

What I remember most is them discussing how she isn’t submissive. She doesn’t need or particularly want his direction. She wants him to give her tasks and then turn her loose to do it her way. I want to decide what tasks are important to me, determine how I’d best like them done, and in what order they should be given precedence. Someone who doesn’t want to do things my way is going to end up frustrating me or causing me to just give up on having things done the way I want them done. Then I just end up doing things myself.

I also remember a story about how she is allowed a lot of leeway with her behavior because it takes such a strong and passionate woman a lot to deal with her slavery. In one story, she had become so upset and angry about some directive that she got out of the car at a stop light and stalked angrily through some unknown (and somewhat unsafe) area while he followed patiently in the car until she calmed down enough to talk. I was aghast at this. Of course I wouldn’t have wanted to leave someone stranded either. But the kind of person who would become so angry that s/he would jump out of a car and stomp off? Does not sound like someone I would like to try to have as my slave or submissive. It seems to me that this person places little value on hir own safety, and little regard for my time.

The other story I remember is one where her “passion” and “emotions” ran so strong that she sometimes said very hurtful things to him. So he would put her in a special place in their home until she calmed down. She had leave to cause this to happen 3 times in a given time period. (I can’t remember now if it was a week or a day or a month, but I do remember it was closer to a day than a month.) He said that if it ever got to that fourth time that the relationship would basically be over. And that he had the same rule for himself, except that if he ever needed it the first time the relationship would be over. And I thought about how I don’t think I could deal with someone who said such hurtful things that I needed to create such a rule. And certainly I would not want to have to deal with this kind of behavior often enough that 3 times/week (or so) was the standard. Do I want someone who loses their temper at me on a regular basis? I like passion. I am also a passionate person. But this isn’t my idea of a good direction for someone’s passion to take. Be passionate about music or politics or gardening. Don’t just erupt.

And yet… and yet…

I seem to have one. How the hell did I get here?