Tag Archives: femdom

When 2 halves don’t make a whole

I am sure the few readers I have might have noticed that I haven’t been writing much lately. Partially it has been that I have not had much time alone. And it’s very hard to keep an anonymous blog when your loves are looking over your shoulder at what you are typing. Also, vanilla life has gotten busy. But in addition…

I have not been doing much in the way of kinky play or D/s. In fact, both of my relationships have been gearing down from those things and steering in a much more vanilla direction. I do still have some kinky play times and some D/s in my life. But it isn’t nearly what it was a few years ago. So I simply have less to write about.

I wish I could say that I’m happy with this situation. But it seems that I keep finding myself in this kind of situation. (This has not been my first foray into multiple partners.) One, two, three partners, and very little kink in my life. You would think that with more partners, you would of necessity be getting more play. More D/s. Apparently it doesn’t always follow. The only way that I have found more kinky play (though not more D/s) with multiple partners are the times I have done more casual play with friends.

Now I find myself feeling that I am approaching a crossroads. I find the older that I get, the harder it is for me to find chemistry with anyone. The less often I am attracted to anyone on even the most rudimentary level. The less I have in common with any one person. And yet the more I find that what I need in my life is one (or two) permanent and committed relationship(s) with plenty of authority transfer and kinky play times. And I find myself needing someone (or someones) who has plenty of time to spend on me.

What I currently have are two halves of that equation. I have two partners with whom I have things in common and they have been fairly committed and permanent. But the kink and D/s have been fading into dust. They have become… are becoming… half relationships. Half relationships with men that I still love. And that aren’t filling my needs.

The Husband accepted a job that has taken him to another state. Our relationship has become long-distance. It was supposed to be temporary, but after a few years, it becomes clear that it isn’t. He is happy and doing work that suits his talents. This is wonderful! For him. But it is slowly killing our relationship. And it has already killed our kinky play and D/s. He no longer feels like mine. He feels like a handsome stranger that I want to get to know but can’t. Not enough time.

The Wild Thing was never going to be a forever relationship. There are too many things that he wants from life that I can’t deliver. And as those things return to his consciousness after the NRE and rose-colored-glasses phase of our relationship fades (we have had quite a long time, over 2 years of NRE and rose-colored-glasses), he doesn’t feel like mine either. He feels like a horse comfortable in the yoke but ready to start running free. And I want him to be able to run free. I never want to hold anyone back from being who they are.

But that leaves me with two vanilla halves of a relationship that don’t… can’t add up to a whole for someone who NEEDS the passionate whippings. The willing servitude. The concession of will. The hours of time together. And the joy in all these things must be mutual. When the joy and the enthusiasm is one-sided, I lose my energy and will to sustain things on my own.

I need a partner in crime. Someone or someones who glory in bending to my will and being the canvas for my passion. They must be in it with me. I am sad that I don’t have these things.

But I am also hesitantly hopeful that those things are out there. And that I can and will find him. Or them. And hesitantly hopeful for the men I love to find whatever it is that they need as well. Because I don’t think it is me. And I am cowardly. Because I have no idea how to go about speaking about this with them. I do still love them. I don’t want to damage them. And I can’t tell if staying together will damage them more than parting our paths.

Running List of Things I Want Authority Over

This is not a comprehensive list. Contents subject to change without notice. The term “you” in no way implies the personage of the reader of this document without consent of both parties. Blahblahlegaleseblah…

 

What you eat & drink when you are with me.

What audiovisual entertainment we utilize when together such as television, movies, concerts, plays, sports, etc.

Orgasms & genital/anal touching.

Sex acts. Frequency, length of the sex acts, who participates in sex acts, and type of sex acts.

Play. Frequency, length of time, and types of play.

Body hair & facial hair. Preferably all the time but definitely when we are together.

What you wear under your everyday clothing and also all kink event/playtime clothing.

Decor and arrangement of furniture in any place I will be living for more than a short time. Having a “man cave” is fine as space allows.

How the towels and sheets are folded any place I will be living for more than a short time.

Position of the toilet seat/lid any place I will be staying for one night or more.

Whether or not we have pets of any kind.

Who does what chores when.

When food/beverages occur when we are together.

Who drives what vehicle and the route we take to get where we are going.

Any major household purchase such as roofing, furniture, or appliances.

Any household services such as yard service or cable television.

Musings on what I like: actually submissive submissives

Logically, I know that not everyone will be attracted to what I’m attracted to. I’ve always acknowledged that I don’t really go for the stereotypically attractive men. I like slight men. Short. Wiry. Pretty. Submissive. While I can be attracted to men that the world might identify as “alpha,” (not that I personally care for that particular term) it’s much easier for me to be attracted to men who most would not label as alpha, leader, etc. It isn’t that I don’t like a man with his own personality. Or that inner strength. On the contrary, I appreciate a man who is unafraid to be whoever he is. But I have a special sweet spot in my heart for men who are unabashedly, whole heartedly, fearlessly submissive.

One who can embrace his desire to hand over authority to me. One who wants to do things that make me happy. One who embraces the part of himself that revels in making my life more pleasurable. I have sometimes worried that my style of dominance doesn’t resonate as dominant to many people. I don’t really want to deal with someone who won’t willingly hand over authority once he knows I’m trustworthy. I also refuse to act dominantly before I consent to it. Which can also be a potential turn-off to potential submissives. But when it works, it’s brilliant.

That fearlessly submissive man who clicks with me empowers me to look at my own desires and make them known to him. To expect that he will do the things I ask him to do. To find my nurturing side, which can only express itself through my ability to be the dominant partner. Because that does seem to be the only way it will come to the fore with me. If he isn’t submitting to my authority, taking care of my most basic of needs… then my desire to nurture is basically nonexistent. It isn’t that I don’t care about someone who isn’t submitting to me. I can and have. But there’s caring, and there’s the desire to nurture and help him be the absolute best he can be.

And that only seems to come out once I am confident in his joyous submission to me.

Femdom play: fantasy vs. reality

The idea was to do some bondage and draw some designs on one of the guys…

I would tie up his hot naked body, the rope slowly getting tighter around him. Him, getting more turned on by the tightness of the rope. By being immobilized, naked, and vulnerable. Then, after I had him helpless and bound, I would use his flesh as a canvas for my art. Drawing on him languorously, the wet paint feeling cool against his hot skin… further exciting him. He is my object. My toy and my art. Finally, I would use his bound body for my sexual gratification. Riding him until he is begging me to be allowed to orgasm.

That was the fantasy. Sounds hot right? (I think it sounds hot, but I admit to quite a bias since it was my idea.) So here’s the reality…

I began tying him and his arm was feeling swollen. I loosened the rope but it still felt off a bit. I checked his motor reactions, and they were good. I asked if he thought he could continue or if he were feeling any numbness/tingling. He said he wasn’t feeling any numbness, tingling, or pain. Just that his arm felt a bit swollen and heavy. He said he thought he could continue, and would let me know if he needed to come out of the tie. But he was not comfortable or getting into any kind of pleasant headspace from being in the bondage. He was mildly annoyed and uncomfortable in a bad way. He was also cold, as my air conditioner refused to raise the temperature to any modicum of warmth. That thing has a mind of its own.

After I had managed to get him tied up, I checked back in and he was fine to continue. So I began writing on him. Unfortunately, by this time, he was falling asleep. Which was causing him to twitch and jerk about. Not good for trying to make a cohesive design. So I kept having to pinch and poke him to keep him awake. That sounds relatively sexy, but he didn’t enjoy it because he was literally falling asleep. I didn’t particularly enjoy it because it was interrupting my drawing and wasn’t giving me any kind of fun reactions.

When I had finished making my masterpiece on him, I had planned on ravishing him. But he let me know that he couldn’t manage in the bondage any longer. So I began to untie him. So much for having a helpless, squirming bundle of passion under me! Once I got him untied, he was freezing without the rope to help keep him warm. So I snuggled up to him to try to keep him warm. We did at least end up having sex. The second time went much better than the first. I think he had recovered from being tired and cold by that point.

Femdom reality. Yep.

How to dom (or, you know, not)

I see so many online posts & blogs about what dominance is. What makes a good dominant. What makes a bad dominant. How does one be the best dominant one can be. I hear a lot of discussion about it at educational events and parties as well. It is a very popular topic. And everyone seems to have at least some opinion on the matter. Including me.

One thing I see and hear over and over and OVER again, is that dominants are leaders. In fact, this opinion seems nearly universal. It’s odd that so many diverse groups hold this singular opinion. Goreans and female supremacists may not agree on anything about how D/s works, but I’d bet you that a quite significant portion of both groups (if not all) would agree that dominants lead and submissives follow. So where does that leave the dominants who don’t want to be leaders? (Or the submissives who don’t necessarily want to be follwers?) And what does it even look like when the dominant doesn’t want to dominate that way?

I don’t agree with this prevailing opinion on dominants as leaders. I think it can work that way. I think it frequently does work that way. But I don’t think it has to or even needs to work that way. Here are just a few examples of definitions of dominant.

  • most important, powerful, or influential
  • having or asserting authority or influence
  • controlling

None of those definitions say anything about leading or being a leader. Sure, there are some definitions of dominant which do mention leading, but my point is that there are ways to dominate without being a leader.

I think that it can work perfectly well when one looks at dominance from a perspective of control and asserting authority. I don’t need to lead in order to be the person who has control over something. I don’t need to lead to be the person who has the authority to make decisions. Am I leading when I decide what I want to eat for dinner? I certainly don’t feel like I am leading. I don’t have any grand plan, I just want lasagna for dinner. I have the authority to make that decision, because we have agreed that he will give me that authority. Therefore I can say we will have lasagna for dinner.

Even on a grander scale, I don’t feel like I am leading when I decide what color we will paint the walls. Or which car we will buy. Or where we will go on holiday. But I do have the authority to make those decisions. So if I want to, I can decide all those things. None of those things will lead us into a better relationship. (Well, a nice holiday might well better our relationship!)

But where is the leadership? None of those things will take us down a path that I have chosen and planned out. They are not designed to better him or us. I am not trying to inspire him to do things the way I want them done because I’m such an exceptional person. (Spoiler alert, I’m not.) They are simply things that I can decide on because he has given me the authority to do so.

So how does it work? It works because having authority and being a leader are not actually the same thing. And when one has the authority in a relationship, one can be said to be the dominant party. It works because a submissive wants to give up control or authority, and does so.

Musings on “power slaves”

I attend a lot of classes and workshops. One of my least favorite was from a few years ago. I had been looking forward to the class. It was being given by a very well respected M/s couple. They teach all the time and get rave reviews, so I was expecting to get some useful information from the class. It has been a while. What did I learn about M/s relationships that day?

If she is a great example of a power slave, I don’t ever want one.

What I remember most is them discussing how she isn’t submissive. She doesn’t need or particularly want his direction. She wants him to give her tasks and then turn her loose to do it her way. I want to decide what tasks are important to me, determine how I’d best like them done, and in what order they should be given precedence. Someone who doesn’t want to do things my way is going to end up frustrating me or causing me to just give up on having things done the way I want them done. Then I just end up doing things myself.

I also remember a story about how she is allowed a lot of leeway with her behavior because it takes such a strong and passionate woman a lot to deal with her slavery. In one story, she had become so upset and angry about some directive that she got out of the car at a stop light and stalked angrily through some unknown (and somewhat unsafe) area while he followed patiently in the car until she calmed down enough to talk. I was aghast at this. Of course I wouldn’t have wanted to leave someone stranded either. But the kind of person who would become so angry that s/he would jump out of a car and stomp off? Does not sound like someone I would like to try to have as my slave or submissive. It seems to me that this person places little value on hir own safety, and little regard for my time.

The other story I remember is one where her “passion” and “emotions” ran so strong that she sometimes said very hurtful things to him. So he would put her in a special place in their home until she calmed down. She had leave to cause this to happen 3 times in a given time period. (I can’t remember now if it was a week or a day or a month, but I do remember it was closer to a day than a month.) He said that if it ever got to that fourth time that the relationship would basically be over. And that he had the same rule for himself, except that if he ever needed it the first time the relationship would be over. And I thought about how I don’t think I could deal with someone who said such hurtful things that I needed to create such a rule. And certainly I would not want to have to deal with this kind of behavior often enough that 3 times/week (or so) was the standard. Do I want someone who loses their temper at me on a regular basis? I like passion. I am also a passionate person. But this isn’t my idea of a good direction for someone’s passion to take. Be passionate about music or politics or gardening. Don’t just erupt.

And yet… and yet…

I seem to have one. How the hell did I get here?

This is my life: Surprise!

Dear Husband,

What the actual fuck? Why do I find out by logging on to Fetlife that you have changed your role from submissive to unsure & are possibly going to a party in another state… when you are not allowed to go to parties without me? This is why we can’t have nice things.* Please stop your passive aggressive bullshit forthwith.

Sincerely,

Your rather pissed off and confused wife/Dominant

*You wonder why I feel more easy in my D/s relationship with the Wild Thing? Why I have him doing things you want to do with me? Because of things like this. First A, then B, then C, and on and on. If I can’t get B then I can’t ask for C. You know this about me. I don’t know why you are so shocked that my D/s relationship with the Wild Thing is progressing more quickly than ours has in over a decade.