Tag Archives: musings

When 2 halves don’t make a whole

I am sure the few readers I have might have noticed that I haven’t been writing much lately. Partially it has been that I have not had much time alone. And it’s very hard to keep an anonymous blog when your loves are looking over your shoulder at what you are typing. Also, vanilla life has gotten busy. But in addition…

I have not been doing much in the way of kinky play or D/s. In fact, both of my relationships have been gearing down from those things and steering in a much more vanilla direction. I do still have some kinky play times and some D/s in my life. But it isn’t nearly what it was a few years ago. So I simply have less to write about.

I wish I could say that I’m happy with this situation. But it seems that I keep finding myself in this kind of situation. (This has not been my first foray into multiple partners.) One, two, three partners, and very little kink in my life. You would think that with more partners, you would of necessity be getting more play. More D/s. Apparently it doesn’t always follow. The only way that I have found more kinky play (though not more D/s) with multiple partners are the times I have done more casual play with friends.

Now I find myself feeling that I am approaching a crossroads. I find the older that I get, the harder it is for me to find chemistry with anyone. The less often I am attracted to anyone on even the most rudimentary level. The less I have in common with any one person. And yet the more I find that what I need in my life is one (or two) permanent and committed relationship(s) with plenty of authority transfer and kinky play times. And I find myself needing someone (or someones) who has plenty of time to spend on me.

What I currently have are two halves of that equation. I have two partners with whom I have things in common and they have been fairly committed and permanent. But the kink and D/s have been fading into dust. They have become… are becoming… half relationships. Half relationships with men that I still love. And that aren’t filling my needs.

The Husband accepted a job that has taken him to another state. Our relationship has become long-distance. It was supposed to be temporary, but after a few years, it becomes clear that it isn’t. He is happy and doing work that suits his talents. This is wonderful! For him. But it is slowly killing our relationship. And it has already killed our kinky play and D/s. He no longer feels like mine. He feels like a handsome stranger that I want to get to know but can’t. Not enough time.

The Wild Thing was never going to be a forever relationship. There are too many things that he wants from life that I can’t deliver. And as those things return to his consciousness after the NRE and rose-colored-glasses phase of our relationship fades (we have had quite a long time, over 2 years of NRE and rose-colored-glasses), he doesn’t feel like mine either. He feels like a horse comfortable in the yoke but ready to start running free. And I want him to be able to run free. I never want to hold anyone back from being who they are.

But that leaves me with two vanilla halves of a relationship that don’t… can’t add up to a whole for someone who NEEDS the passionate whippings. The willing servitude. The concession of will. The hours of time together. And the joy in all these things must be mutual. When the joy and the enthusiasm is one-sided, I lose my energy and will to sustain things on my own.

I need a partner in crime. Someone or someones who glory in bending to my will and being the canvas for my passion. They must be in it with me. I am sad that I don’t have these things.

But I am also hesitantly hopeful that those things are out there. And that I can and will find him. Or them. And hesitantly hopeful for the men I love to find whatever it is that they need as well. Because I don’t think it is me. And I am cowardly. Because I have no idea how to go about speaking about this with them. I do still love them. I don’t want to damage them. And I can’t tell if staying together will damage them more than parting our paths.

Running List of Things I Want Authority Over

This is not a comprehensive list. Contents subject to change without notice. The term “you” in no way implies the personage of the reader of this document without consent of both parties. Blahblahlegaleseblah…

 

What you eat & drink when you are with me.

What audiovisual entertainment we utilize when together such as television, movies, concerts, plays, sports, etc.

Orgasms & genital/anal touching.

Sex acts. Frequency, length of the sex acts, who participates in sex acts, and type of sex acts.

Play. Frequency, length of time, and types of play.

Body hair & facial hair. Preferably all the time but definitely when we are together.

What you wear under your everyday clothing and also all kink event/playtime clothing.

Decor and arrangement of furniture in any place I will be living for more than a short time. Having a “man cave” is fine as space allows.

How the towels and sheets are folded any place I will be living for more than a short time.

Position of the toilet seat/lid any place I will be staying for one night or more.

Whether or not we have pets of any kind.

Who does what chores when.

When food/beverages occur when we are together.

Who drives what vehicle and the route we take to get where we are going.

Any major household purchase such as roofing, furniture, or appliances.

Any household services such as yard service or cable television.

Musings on what I like: actually submissive submissives

Logically, I know that not everyone will be attracted to what I’m attracted to. I’ve always acknowledged that I don’t really go for the stereotypically attractive men. I like slight men. Short. Wiry. Pretty. Submissive. While I can be attracted to men that the world might identify as “alpha,” (not that I personally care for that particular term) it’s much easier for me to be attracted to men who most would not label as alpha, leader, etc. It isn’t that I don’t like a man with his own personality. Or that inner strength. On the contrary, I appreciate a man who is unafraid to be whoever he is. But I have a special sweet spot in my heart for men who are unabashedly, whole heartedly, fearlessly submissive.

One who can embrace his desire to hand over authority to me. One who wants to do things that make me happy. One who embraces the part of himself that revels in making my life more pleasurable. I have sometimes worried that my style of dominance doesn’t resonate as dominant to many people. I don’t really want to deal with someone who won’t willingly hand over authority once he knows I’m trustworthy. I also refuse to act dominantly before I consent to it. Which can also be a potential turn-off to potential submissives. But when it works, it’s brilliant.

That fearlessly submissive man who clicks with me empowers me to look at my own desires and make them known to him. To expect that he will do the things I ask him to do. To find my nurturing side, which can only express itself through my ability to be the dominant partner. Because that does seem to be the only way it will come to the fore with me. If he isn’t submitting to my authority, taking care of my most basic of needs… then my desire to nurture is basically nonexistent. It isn’t that I don’t care about someone who isn’t submitting to me. I can and have. But there’s caring, and there’s the desire to nurture and help him be the absolute best he can be.

And that only seems to come out once I am confident in his joyous submission to me.

How to submit (to me)

Over on Not Just Bitchy, Stabbity asks What does submission mean to you? Well, I’ll tell you.

To me, it is a very simple thing. Submission means that the person wanting to submit wants to give up some level of control or authority to someone else in their personal relationship(s).

That is the core of submission as far as I am concerned. It does not have anything to do with bondage, whips, boot licking, small penises, being naked around your partner(s), wearing a particular type of clothing, being a particular gender, or putting your mouth on your partner’s genitalia. Any or all of those things can be fun and wonderful, but they are not indicators of submission to me. Submission is not found in any one act or lack of action. It comes from within the person wanting to submit, and is a core desire/need as opposed to an act or action.

How does that work for me in particular? Well I’ll tell you that too! (Now that I am beginning to have more of an idea myself.)

First, submission from my partners must originate from them. It must not rely on some action or inspiration from me. It needs to be one of their core… needs. I appreciate that he doesn’t necessarily want to submit to just anyone. That not any person with a pulse will do. But the actual desire to submit to someone who is a good fit as a partner, lover, or both… should always be there in him. Even when he is not in a D/s relationship.

And I do think that it needs to be a desire that does not just surface when he is in a relationship. Because it is such a core need of mine, I don’t think I would be a good fit for someone who didn’t have that burning desire to find the right woman to submit to. The way that I want to dominate someone does not seem to diminish due to mood, illness, injury, bad hair days, or happiness on my part. It simply is. All the time. Every day.

In addition, the way that I want submission is that it should come naturally with grace. I do not what to have to continually earn or fight for his submission. Negotiation is wonderful and desirable. But once he agrees to hand over control of something to me, I don’t want to have to argue about it. If some compelling reason he can no longer submit in a particular way should arise, we can renegotiate. But it had better be a more compelling reason than he doesn’t feel like it.

Lastly, that desire to give up some degree of control or authority should, in and of itself, fulfill him. I don’t expect it to be the only fulfilling thing in his life, but I do expect that it should bring him fulfillment to be able to give control to someone else. Frankly, having responsibility for someone else is a lot of work. I don’t want to have to do additional work of convincing him that submission is awesome and what he should be doing to bring some happiness into his life. I am certainly happy to let him know how much I appreciate his submission and how much I value it. But I want him to also realize that, as a core need of his, that our relationship is meeting that need to submit as much as it meets my need to dominate.

How to dom (or, you know, not)

I see so many online posts & blogs about what dominance is. What makes a good dominant. What makes a bad dominant. How does one be the best dominant one can be. I hear a lot of discussion about it at educational events and parties as well. It is a very popular topic. And everyone seems to have at least some opinion on the matter. Including me.

One thing I see and hear over and over and OVER again, is that dominants are leaders. In fact, this opinion seems nearly universal. It’s odd that so many diverse groups hold this singular opinion. Goreans and female supremacists may not agree on anything about how D/s works, but I’d bet you that a quite significant portion of both groups (if not all) would agree that dominants lead and submissives follow. So where does that leave the dominants who don’t want to be leaders? (Or the submissives who don’t necessarily want to be follwers?) And what does it even look like when the dominant doesn’t want to dominate that way?

I don’t agree with this prevailing opinion on dominants as leaders. I think it can work that way. I think it frequently does work that way. But I don’t think it has to or even needs to work that way. Here are just a few examples of definitions of dominant.

  • most important, powerful, or influential
  • having or asserting authority or influence
  • controlling

None of those definitions say anything about leading or being a leader. Sure, there are some definitions of dominant which do mention leading, but my point is that there are ways to dominate without being a leader.

I think that it can work perfectly well when one looks at dominance from a perspective of control and asserting authority. I don’t need to lead in order to be the person who has control over something. I don’t need to lead to be the person who has the authority to make decisions. Am I leading when I decide what I want to eat for dinner? I certainly don’t feel like I am leading. I don’t have any grand plan, I just want lasagna for dinner. I have the authority to make that decision, because we have agreed that he will give me that authority. Therefore I can say we will have lasagna for dinner.

Even on a grander scale, I don’t feel like I am leading when I decide what color we will paint the walls. Or which car we will buy. Or where we will go on holiday. But I do have the authority to make those decisions. So if I want to, I can decide all those things. None of those things will lead us into a better relationship. (Well, a nice holiday might well better our relationship!)

But where is the leadership? None of those things will take us down a path that I have chosen and planned out. They are not designed to better him or us. I am not trying to inspire him to do things the way I want them done because I’m such an exceptional person. (Spoiler alert, I’m not.) They are simply things that I can decide on because he has given me the authority to do so.

So how does it work? It works because having authority and being a leader are not actually the same thing. And when one has the authority in a relationship, one can be said to be the dominant party. It works because a submissive wants to give up control or authority, and does so.

When the political becomes personal

There is a theme on my Fetlife friends list today. It seems to be “let’s discuss our physical appearance” day. Nobody told me. But now that I know, I am going to participate. I am, after all, an advocate of bodily autonomy and a part of the size acceptance movement.

I read a lovely rant by a woman who self-identifies as a bbw. She is happy in her large and lovely body and is unafraid to eat things in public. Even cake. Even a second slice of cake. She is also unafraid to get naked in the dungeon. Because naked kinky times are fun and awesome and she can’t well have them without the “naked” part. To which I say, “Hell Yes!”

Obviously, I agree with being at home in your own skin. No matter what that skin looks like or how much skin there is. Despite what the modern media would have us believe, it’s really great to actually love yourself. As you are. Right now. You don’t need a diet, a self help guru, steroids, or a certain brand of shoes in order to love yourself. If you want those things, great! But they are not prerequisites for self-love. It’s hard in this modern world to just love ourselves. But it’s a really fantastic goal.

I read another rant by a guy whose date was complaining that his date wasn’t confident enough in her appearance. He felt she was fishing for compliments in order to bolster her flagging self-esteem. And he was having no part of that. He didn’t want to date someone who was relying on him for self-esteem. I also agree with that! Self-esteem is, by definition, derived from within. No matter how many people tell you “x”, you may or may not ever believe in “x.” It’s hard, but it’s all up to each of us to decide if we believe “x” about ourselves.

In related news, I started back on hormonal birth control. It’s been years since I have been on any. And one of the likely side effects is weight gain. I was unconcerned. I was much more interested in whether or not I am going to end up with mood swings or spotting. Both of which would be annoying to have to deal with. It’s still worth it not to have to worry about an unintended pregnancy, but it would be annoying. And there is a very very small risk for blood clots. I’m not at much of a risk, but the risk isn’t zero.

I was relating the various things that I was expecting to go through in conjunction with my new anti-pregnancy regime to the men in my life. The Wild Thing listened carefully. He expressed excitement that I would be able to better enjoy my sex life without worrying. He was also confident that I would be able to deal with the things that were potential worries for me. And wanted to know if there was anything he could do in the event I needed support.

The Husband, on the other hand, though he has spent the last year attempting to convince me that he loves my body… well, the only words that came out of his mouth were, “Do you think you will gain any weight?” Color me unconvinced.

I could turn into a weeping mess. A rampaging bitch. And not in the fun way. I could have a stroke. And his first thought was that I might get fatter. I know he loves me, but I don’t think my body is much to his liking any more. Unfortunately for him, I am one of those confident people who is at home in her own skin. No matter how much skin there is.

Musings on love

I wish I could make friends like a normal person. Or even like I used to be able to do when I was young. I don’t. I can’t. I don’t know how any more. I do have a few close friends. But I can count them on one hand with fingers left over.

I was just reading this touching writing on Fetlife about a poly man and his death. How his daughter (who knew about his poly lifestyle) has been contacting all his loves. And how they are all coming in one way or another to be with him one more time. Sharing their memories and love of him. I don’t think that any of my past lovers would bother. Not that we dislike each other or that things ended badly. I just don’t think our connection was strong enough to warrant that.

I think that there are a few who might care to say a last goodbye. Maybe. Depending on when my hour comes. But I have to say that I really think I’d be lucky to have even one person who had a strong enough connection to want to share a last memory.

The Husband and I are on the edge of a precipice. And I don’t know if he will be one of the people who would like to share his love with me as I lay dying. It’s sad and frightening. It makes me wonder if I’m simply not the marrying type. I am the loving type. Given the right person, I love. I love hard and stubbornly and insistently. But marriage… Perhaps I’m just not cut out for it.