Tag Archives: respect

In which I rant on cheating

So there is yet another thread on Fetlife about why it’s ok (or, in this case, hot) to cheat. The thread was started by a woman who thinks it’s just so hot to be with a guy who is cheating on his partner. That is the entirety of the original post. And most of the people in the group were not supportive of this idea. But, of course, there were also those who defended cheating. Because reasons. So many reasons. Reasons, people!

I will begin by saying that I’m no angel. I have made mistakes and bad decisions in my life. Because I’m human, and therefore imperfect. When I was beginning to navigate the world of dating, I cheated on my boyfriend. I knew what I was doing was outside the parameters of our agreed upon relationship. I did it anyhow. Because I wanted to. I was an asshole. After that, I decided that it was a bad idea and that I’d been an asshole. I determined that wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I decided not to do it again. So I know what I’m talking about.

I didn’t discover the world of BDSM until I was an adult in a vanilla marriage. It hit me like a sledge hammer. It was overwhelming. It was hot. It woke things in me that I didn’t even know existed. It is a story I’ve heard repeatedly on Fetlife. Really. Over and over and over and over in ad infinitum. So it isn’t even an original story.

So what did I do. I thought about it. With the head on my shoulders. I did my best not to let the newness and the hotness turn me into that asshole again. I had a husband. And I felt that if I cared enough about him to marry him, I cared enough about him to let him in on my newfound discovery. Was it frightening? Of course. Was it risky? Fucking yes it was! I was putting my entire relationship at risk. And I still did it. Because it was the right fucking thing to do!

So when I say to the people who can’t be bothered to inform their partners about their interest in kink that I think they are being a selfish asshole, I fucking know what I’m talking about.

There were several people in the thread who gave some excuses about why they were cheating (or looking to cheat) on their partner. Here are a few of them, and a brief deconstruction of why I think they are total bullshit.

Well I talked to my spouse about it, but s/he isn’t interested.

I commend you for talking to your spouse. It’s a difficult and frightening conversation to have. However, having the conversation doesn’t absolve your agreements and responsibilities to your partner. Just because not everyone is kinky is not a decent excuse to cheat on your partner. Yes, it’s the reason you are giving. But what you are really saying is that you want to be the selfish asshole who wants to have your cake and eat it too. That your need for kink is greater than your need to continue to be honest with the person you say you love and care for. That, my friends, is being a selfish asshole. And it brings your word into question.

My partner is physically/mentally ill and I cannot hurt hir further by bringing up getting my kink on with outside sources.

This one is my favorite. Because it seems so loving and giving doesn’t it? The loving partner who can’t bear to hurt hir partner. The loving partner who wants to support hir ailing partner… By lying to that ailing partner. By actually putting the need for kink above the need for being honest and honoring the agreements made with the ailing partner. Because that is what is actually going on. If leaving someone isn’t an option, there always exists the option to put BDSM on the back burner for a while. I have been there and done that. So I don’t believe in your supposed altruism for one short second. You are lying to your partner and you are lying to yourself if you think that you are not being selfish.

Well I couldn’t find a kink relationship/didn’t know there was such a thing as kink relationships/lived in an area where there was no access to kink, so I married vanilla and now I don’t want to hurt the love of my life.

So basically what you are saying here is that you think so little of your partner… who is the love of your life, your bestie, that you think they would not even make an attempt to understand your needs. This amazing person who is your partner is so without empathy that s/he would rather simply leave you than attempt to reach some agreement where you could both be happy. I think that is a horrid thing to say about your partner. If your partner really is like that, perhaps you would actually be better off without hir. And by the way, you are still basically saying that you are being a selfish asshole who wants to have hir cake and eat it too, without regard for the feelings of that love of your life.

I made a vow to stick with my husband/wife forever, so I could never actually leave hir.

Another favorite! So what you are saying here is that some vows are worth keeping. But others can be tossed out. Because there is always the option to put the kink back in the closet or to leave and find someone more compatible. But wait! Leave? Unthinkable! The vow not to leave? MUST BE HONORED!!!11!! The vow of fidelity? Well that one doesn’t really count. The vow to honor your partner? That one is only a suggestion. The vow to be honest? Well did we really mean that one? So, in short, this is another case of being selfish and lying to yourself about your supposedly noble intent.

So basically what I’m saying is that I get it. Adult relationships are complicated and often challenging. And sometimes we royally fuck them up. But the least we can do is respect ourselves and our partners. And admit when we have been selfish assholes. And to not try to justify it away when we have been (or are about to be) a selfish asshole. Admit it. And don’t fucking do it again.


This is my life: miracle weekend

It’s late in my part of the world. The night is dark and cool. Nobody here but me. It was an intense weekend, and I’m both elated and a bit exhausted. I have missed 3 days of work, played, argued, made up, fucked, and cried. Not necessarily in that order. I feel I’ve been living in a different land for the past 5 days. Tomorrow I go back to the real world. There may be repercussions for missing work. I believe it was worth it. Even if I end up being fired, it will have been worth it. The Husband and I have reconnected. I feel wonderful!

Now I am looking forward to the future. I feel that things can work. For all of us. Times are changing. I am changing. Again. More hope for more kink and more love and more togetherness. It may not be perfect, but what is? Nothing. And this is good. This weekend has been a much needed catharsis. And now for some sleep!

Musings on forced femme & feminization

It’s a touchy subject. And it’s surrounded by heated debates almost every time it is brought up. Forced anything play.

I do it. I like it. Sometimes. And other times, I wouldn’t touch it under threat of death. (Slight exaggeration, but you get the picture.) Why? Well I’m glad you asked. I’ll tell you! And I’m using forced femme as my platform as I’ve just read something that insisted that all forms of forced femme stem from a place of misogyny. I have, therefore, just been called a misogynyst. Of course, I disagree.

I have two very different submissives right now. The Wild Thing wears panties every day. I took away all his “man” undergarments. He has one pair of black boxer briefs that he is allowed to keep in case he has some kind of emergency where he needs to present as male/masculine. Otherwise he wears panties. All day every day. It isn’t forced. I require it, but I didn’t force it out of him. It’s who he is. He owned some before we met along with some skirts and feminine lingerie. It’s natural to him. As natural and right as his having skin or legs or eyes. It was my choice to have him wear them all the time, but I did so because it is a part of him. I want him to know I think it’s sexy and beautiful and that I love to see him in his panties.

I also like to see The Husband in sexy feminine clothing. He has a love/hate relationship with wearing them. He doesn’t like wearing them. He likes being forced. I like to see him in them. I like forcing him. Many people would say that he’s a misogynistic jerk because he likes me to force him to wear women’s clothing. And that I am, by my participation in this activity, a party to misogyny. Because I’m forcing him to be “lesser” by making him dress in a feminine manner.

Now, I will agree that many people who participate in forced femme are coming from a place of misogyny. I’ve heard many a submissive man want me to force him into a pair of heels and a dress in order to access his submissive side. That he couldn’t submit any other way. As if somehow only women can be submissive because they are somehow meant to be. That is the kind of forced femme that I don’t like. I won’t do it. It does nothing for me. In fact, it’s a big turn-off.

But that isn’t how forced femme works for The Husband. It makes him uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel natural to him. It’s as if he suddenly sprouted feathers instead of having hair. I like making him uncomfortable. I like taking him out of his comfort zone. And, admittedly, he looks incredibly hot in lace and satin and a pair of heels. Which I love!

And he does see it as a form of humiliation. Not because he’s being feminized or made to be more like a woman. But because it’s not who he is. I would get the same reaction if I dressed him as an infant. And it certainly isn’t like he feels being a baby was a humiliating time in his life. Or that babies are somehow not ok. It simply isn’t who he is. And I don’t dress him like that because I find stockings and heels sexy and I don’t find diapers and baby bonnets sexy.

If I did, he might find himself in a baby bonnet and thigh high boots. Of course, he would do it. And be uncomfortable. And turned on by being taken out of his comfort zone. But I’d really rather see him in lace.


In my perfect world…

I live in a relatively peaceful and joyous household with two gorgeous, loving, submissive men who are friends & who adore me. We have our good days and bad days as humans do, but we are all dedicated to being together for the long haul. We all want to be in the same auto, on the same journey, with me at the wheel. They agree that I will be able to do as I please with them sexually & with their bodies in general. I agree not to disregard their hard limits. They agree that unless there is some extremely compelling reason (such as loss of life, limb, or liberty), they will do things my way. I will not give them useless tasks or busy work just because I can. They will strive to make my life easier and more pleasurable. I will communicate clearly what I expect of them in order that they can make my life easier and more pleasurable. Because they are putting their trust in me, I will strive to make the best decisions for all of us. They will strive to abide by my decisions with grace. I will strive to take suggestions and criticism with grace.

More musings on being older: TNG edition

I just read a rant on fetlife about older people attending events which are specifically created for younger people. Frankly, I’m fine with niche groups. I belong to a few of them myself. Nothing wrong with it.

Despite being invited (by people who didn’t know my age) and having had several partners who would qualify my to attend the TNG events, I haven’t gone. I would not like it if a male switch in “Dom mode” showed up at my femdom group. I’m out of the age range. And unless a younger partner dragged me along for moral support (or something similar), I don’t see myself attending a group meant specifically for younger people. There are plenty of other places I can go. I don’t need to go to a group not meant for my age range. I say all of the above to say this…

Not all old people are creepers. And, in fact, some young people are creepers. Not all old people are going to hit on every hot young thing around. Some of us are so incredibly picky that it would be a minor miracle if we hit on anyone of any age. Not all old people have years of experience in kink. Sometimes, people don’t find kink until later in life. I appreciate that the TNG groups are set up to keep out the creepy old people who hit on the new, inexperienced people, scaring them away from the kink scene forever. I know there are creeper old farts who WILL hit on all the naive newbies and scare them away from kink. Yes, they are out there. But when one fails to make the distinction that creepers come in all flavors, it’s akin to calling me a creeper. Because I’m one of those older people.

And really, can we please stop with the blatant ageism? Both ways. When one assumes all old people are creepers, it’s an assumption based purely on age. That’s ageist. When one assumes all young people are naive and can’t fend for themselves, it’s also an assumption based on age. Also wrong. Let’s give the old fogies enough credit to think that we (at least most of us) can manage to keep it in our proverbial pants. Let’s give the younger kinky people enough credit to think they are perfectly capable of fending for themselves. Because doing otherwise is pretty offensive.

Caveat: I have certainly seen other reasons for TNG groups, and recognize that not all people hold the above attitudes.

Breaking it down

“Setting aside the fact that localtranswoman* clearly identified him/herself to me as a female sub, and therefore ineligible to be part of a femdom group, now a biological male–and regardless of what she wants to believe, localtranswoman is a bio male–wants to explore his dominance in a femdom setting.”
The thing about people is… they change over time. Like everything else in the world, people aren’t static. We grow and explore and change. That is (in my humble opinion) one of the things we’re meant to do here on this big blue planet. Sure, some people don’t change much over their lifetimes. Some people are averse to change, and try their best to avoid it. But human beings change. Someone who has been in the kink lifestyle for a few months can’t always be expected to fall directly into the identity or identities that suit them best. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out where we fit. So I don’t find it hard to believe that someone who identified as x might later identify as x and also y or even not x and very y.
And in addition, I will just reiterate that I find it highly offensive for someone to deny another autonomous human the right to self-identify something like gender or sexuality. It’s the height of arrogance.
“I asked guywhowantstobelongtome* about the munch. He was there and I wasn’t. He said it was weird to be in that femdom setting with a male — never for a moment does localtranswoman look femme — who he was supposed to consider a woman and dominant. I can imagine what that would do to the boys’ energy at a party. Many submales don’t come out to pansexual events because they don’t feel comfortable around submissive women or dominant men and it messes with their head space.”
So, because one person who wasn’t there was confused and uncomfortable and the submissive she’s considering was uncomfortable, we will now deny someone the right to participate. Well, it isn’t my group. And the owner of the group can do whatever she wants to do with the group. If she wants to limit the group to dominant women between the ages of 57 and 82 who have long hair and paint their fingernails blue and submissive men who want to paint blue nailpolish on the fingernails of dominant women between the ages of 57 and 82… it’s her right to define the parameters of her own group. However, the more you limit things, the fewer eligible people there are. And when it comes to something as volatile as gender identities or kink roles, it can alienate even those who do fit the parameters if you put your limits on things in a less than savory way.
And are we so delicate as dominant women and submissive men that we can’t handle a dominant woman who happens to have a cock or a submissive man who happens to have a vagina? I asked the Wild Thing if being at a femdom event with a transdomme had disturbed or confused him. He hadn’t even noticed. So I asked the Husband if it would bother him. He didn’t think so. So clearly for some it matters, and for others it’s not an issue at all. And exactly how feminine in appearance does one have to be before we allow them to call themselves a woman? How masculine does one have to appear before we let him call himself a man? Who decides this crap anyhow? Is this the best we can do? I hope not.
“localgenderfluidperson* has given me similar brain-twisting, since he has come to our munches as a man — which he is — but has told me that his male personna is dominant. I got past that because he feels sub to me, but if he showed up dressed as a woman and claimed to be dominant I wouldn’t consider him a Domme.
I vote no. I will yield to groupowner’s* decision, but I’m firm about localtranswoman not coming to my home. I don’t want localgenderfluidperson here, either, for the record.”
So herein lies the crux of the actual issue. Someone who doesn’t understand or acknowledge transgendered people is being confronted about her bigotry and doesn’t want to give it any critical thought or have to put up with those pesky trans people in her world. Because it’s all her world, of course.
*names changed to protect… well you know how it works
** further edited to add that I have no idea why the formatting is messed up and I can’t seem to fix it.

And now, for something completely different

You think you know someone. Today I found out that someone I consider a friend (perhaps not a close friend, but definitely more than an acquaintance) is… a bigot. I’m shocked. I usually have a fairly good radar for people with whom I won’t get on well. This is a massive fail.

The good news is that I can now look back and see some subtle warning signs. I know that many kinky people have long-term kink relationships of one sort or another. In this regard, they might claim more knowledge about kink relationships. Or relationships in general. But… If someone thinks they know more about my relationship than I do, they might not be someone incredibly flexible in their thinking. Knowing more about a 24/7 TPE relationship with a non-romantic partner does not qualify you to judge my romantic D/s kinky relationships.

And I think that perhaps this lack of flexibility in general thinking might lead to bigotry. I have met many wonderful people since I’ve been involved in kink. Some of them are female-identified Masters. Some of them are female-gendered persons in a genetically male body. Some of them are bisexual, transexual, sapiosexual, or asexual. I know people who don’t identify with either traditional gender or a binary gender system. And I also know that a binary gender system isn’t a universal theme. I’m pretty open to them identifying in whatever way is honest and right for them. I really don’t like other people telling me how I have to identify. If I listened to the traditional wisdom, I’d be considered a submissive. Because I look like a woman. And it wouldn’t matter that I have no desire to submit.

If someone tells me that though she has a penis instead of a vagina, she is a woman… I fucking believe her. I don’t argue that because she has a penis, she must identify as a male. I don’t tell her that I’m confused and uncomfortable and it’s her fault and so she should quit identifying as a woman because I find it discomfiting. I don’t say that I know her better than she does. Because I don’t. I haven’t walked in her shoes. I’ve had it incredibly easy. Other than being a dominant, which isn’t apparent just by looking at me, I’m quite stereotypical. I’m genetically female, I look very feminine, and I identify as a female. But I have friends that aren’t that lucky. And fuck anyone who thinks that being confused, uncomfortable, or having a superiority complex is an excuse for bigotry.