So there is yet another thread on Fetlife about why it’s ok (or, in this case, hot) to cheat. The thread was started by a woman who thinks it’s just so hot to be with a guy who is cheating on his partner. That is the entirety of the original post. And most of the people in the group were not supportive of this idea. But, of course, there were also those who defended cheating. Because reasons. So many reasons. Reasons, people!
I will begin by saying that I’m no angel. I have made mistakes and bad decisions in my life. Because I’m human, and therefore imperfect. When I was beginning to navigate the world of dating, I cheated on my boyfriend. I knew what I was doing was outside the parameters of our agreed upon relationship. I did it anyhow. Because I wanted to. I was an asshole. After that, I decided that it was a bad idea and that I’d been an asshole. I determined that wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I decided not to do it again. So I know what I’m talking about.
I didn’t discover the world of BDSM until I was an adult in a vanilla marriage. It hit me like a sledge hammer. It was overwhelming. It was hot. It woke things in me that I didn’t even know existed. It is a story I’ve heard repeatedly on Fetlife. Really. Over and over and over and over in ad infinitum. So it isn’t even an original story.
So what did I do. I thought about it. With the head on my shoulders. I did my best not to let the newness and the hotness turn me into that asshole again. I had a husband. And I felt that if I cared enough about him to marry him, I cared enough about him to let him in on my newfound discovery. Was it frightening? Of course. Was it risky? Fucking yes it was! I was putting my entire relationship at risk. And I still did it. Because it was the right fucking thing to do!
So when I say to the people who can’t be bothered to inform their partners about their interest in kink that I think they are being a selfish asshole, I fucking know what I’m talking about.
There were several people in the thread who gave some excuses about why they were cheating (or looking to cheat) on their partner. Here are a few of them, and a brief deconstruction of why I think they are total bullshit.
Well I talked to my spouse about it, but s/he isn’t interested.
I commend you for talking to your spouse. It’s a difficult and frightening conversation to have. However, having the conversation doesn’t absolve your agreements and responsibilities to your partner. Just because not everyone is kinky is not a decent excuse to cheat on your partner. Yes, it’s the reason you are giving. But what you are really saying is that you want to be the selfish asshole who wants to have your cake and eat it too. That your need for kink is greater than your need to continue to be honest with the person you say you love and care for. That, my friends, is being a selfish asshole. And it brings your word into question.
My partner is physically/mentally ill and I cannot hurt hir further by bringing up getting my kink on with outside sources.
This one is my favorite. Because it seems so loving and giving doesn’t it? The loving partner who can’t bear to hurt hir partner. The loving partner who wants to support hir ailing partner… By lying to that ailing partner. By actually putting the need for kink above the need for being honest and honoring the agreements made with the ailing partner. Because that is what is actually going on. If leaving someone isn’t an option, there always exists the option to put BDSM on the back burner for a while. I have been there and done that. So I don’t believe in your supposed altruism for one short second. You are lying to your partner and you are lying to yourself if you think that you are not being selfish.
Well I couldn’t find a kink relationship/didn’t know there was such a thing as kink relationships/lived in an area where there was no access to kink, so I married vanilla and now I don’t want to hurt the love of my life.
So basically what you are saying here is that you think so little of your partner… who is the love of your life, your bestie, that you think they would not even make an attempt to understand your needs. This amazing person who is your partner is so without empathy that s/he would rather simply leave you than attempt to reach some agreement where you could both be happy. I think that is a horrid thing to say about your partner. If your partner really is like that, perhaps you would actually be better off without hir. And by the way, you are still basically saying that you are being a selfish asshole who wants to have hir cake and eat it too, without regard for the feelings of that love of your life.
I made a vow to stick with my husband/wife forever, so I could never actually leave hir.
Another favorite! So what you are saying here is that some vows are worth keeping. But others can be tossed out. Because there is always the option to put the kink back in the closet or to leave and find someone more compatible. But wait! Leave? Unthinkable! The vow not to leave? MUST BE HONORED!!!11!! The vow of fidelity? Well that one doesn’t really count. The vow to honor your partner? That one is only a suggestion. The vow to be honest? Well did we really mean that one? So, in short, this is another case of being selfish and lying to yourself about your supposedly noble intent.
So basically what I’m saying is that I get it. Adult relationships are complicated and often challenging. And sometimes we royally fuck them up. But the least we can do is respect ourselves and our partners. And admit when we have been selfish assholes. And to not try to justify it away when we have been (or are about to be) a selfish asshole. Admit it. And don’t fucking do it again.