Tag Archives: submission

When 2 halves don’t make a whole

I am sure the few readers I have might have noticed that I haven’t been writing much lately. Partially it has been that I have not had much time alone. And it’s very hard to keep an anonymous blog when your loves are looking over your shoulder at what you are typing. Also, vanilla life has gotten busy. But in addition…

I have not been doing much in the way of kinky play or D/s. In fact, both of my relationships have been gearing down from those things and steering in a much more vanilla direction. I do still have some kinky play times and some D/s in my life. But it isn’t nearly what it was a few years ago. So I simply have less to write about.

I wish I could say that I’m happy with this situation. But it seems that I keep finding myself in this kind of situation. (This has not been my first foray into multiple partners.) One, two, three partners, and very little kink in my life. You would think that with more partners, you would of necessity be getting more play. More D/s. Apparently it doesn’t always follow. The only way that I have found more kinky play (though not more D/s) with multiple partners are the times I have done more casual play with friends.

Now I find myself feeling that I am approaching a crossroads. I find the older that I get, the harder it is for me to find chemistry with anyone. The less often I am attracted to anyone on even the most rudimentary level. The less I have in common with any one person. And yet the more I find that what I need in my life is one (or two) permanent and committed relationship(s) with plenty of authority transfer and kinky play times. And I find myself needing someone (or someones) who has plenty of time to spend on me.

What I currently have are two halves of that equation. I have two partners with whom I have things in common and they have been fairly committed and permanent. But the kink and D/s have been fading into dust. They have become… are becoming… half relationships. Half relationships with men that I still love. And that aren’t filling my needs.

The Husband accepted a job that has taken him to another state. Our relationship has become long-distance. It was supposed to be temporary, but after a few years, it becomes clear that it isn’t. He is happy and doing work that suits his talents. This is wonderful! For him. But it is slowly killing our relationship. And it has already killed our kinky play and D/s. He no longer feels like mine. He feels like a handsome stranger that I want to get to know but can’t. Not enough time.

The Wild Thing was never going to be a forever relationship. There are too many things that he wants from life that I can’t deliver. And as those things return to his consciousness after the NRE and rose-colored-glasses phase of our relationship fades (we have had quite a long time, over 2 years of NRE and rose-colored-glasses), he doesn’t feel like mine either. He feels like a horse comfortable in the yoke but ready to start running free. And I want him to be able to run free. I never want to hold anyone back from being who they are.

But that leaves me with two vanilla halves of a relationship that don’t… can’t add up to a whole for someone who NEEDS the passionate whippings. The willing servitude. The concession of will. The hours of time together. And the joy in all these things must be mutual. When the joy and the enthusiasm is one-sided, I lose my energy and will to sustain things on my own.

I need a partner in crime. Someone or someones who glory in bending to my will and being the canvas for my passion. They must be in it with me. I am sad that I don’t have these things.

But I am also hesitantly hopeful that those things are out there. And that I can and will find him. Or them. And hesitantly hopeful for the men I love to find whatever it is that they need as well. Because I don’t think it is me. And I am cowardly. Because I have no idea how to go about speaking about this with them. I do still love them. I don’t want to damage them. And I can’t tell if staying together will damage them more than parting our paths.

This is my life: I am a slave and you will do Master things to me right now!

When I first entered the kink scene, I thought I was a slave. I really believed that was where I fit in. It wasn’t, of course. But I hadn’t done any soul searching on the subject since I was brand new. I had no natural instinct about it. Perhaps because it all happened very suddenly and there were so many things happening at once. Perhaps it was because all of the examples of kink that I had before me were M/f. In the end, it doesn’t matter why, it matters that I wasn’t a slave. I wasn’t even submissive. What matters is that I did think about it eventually, after I slowed down enough to quit doing and start thinking. What matters is that I did find that natural instinct after I was not simply overwhelmed with delight in finding something that actually stirred me sexually.

So when I say that sometimes people are a little confused about exactly where they fall on the kink spectrum, I know from personal experience that it happens! When I say that sometimes, someone needs to figure out what actually works for them… brings them joy or personal fulfillment… turns them on… I know what I’m talking about. I think it’s wonderful when people are basically born with a whip in their hand. Those people who have these feelings or desires very early on have it all figured out by the time I was just stumbling into kink. They’re lucky.

I was not lucky so much as I was confused. I didn’t mean to mislead anyone. I genuinely thought I was great slave material! I was convinced I would make some nice man a wonderful slave. I was dead wrong. I am only happy that I didn’t have many dominant partners before I figured out that I was a dominant myself. And I thank the people who helped my on my journey in figuring that out. I admire their patience. I admire their restraint as well. Nobody yelled at me or tried to force me to be something I’m not. I haven’t always been so kind to the confused people in my life. I’m certainly not perfect. My past partners were merely trying to get me to do the things I said I wanted to do. To be the way I said I wanted to be.

But, of course, I wasn’t. And I didn’t want to do those things. I thought I was those things. But there is a world of difference between bottoming and submitting. And while I could manage bottoming, I never managed submitting. It was easy enough to get me to do the things I brought up. But I wasn’t very good at doing the things they wanted me to do. Sure, I might try it once to see if I liked it. But the problem was getting me to do anything more than once. And that was just in the context of play. I can’t even imagine the colossal pain in the ass I would have been if anything had ever moved from play partners to anything more.

So, my “submission” looked something like this:

Me: Hey, I saw this guy tying up this girl and spanking her. I want to try that with you.

Them: Well I am good with rope. I can totally do that.

 

Them: I am very good with a flogger. Have you ever been flogged?

Me: No, but it looked really fun to me when X was being flogged. I do think I want to try that!

 

Do you see a pattern here? I was keen to try new things. I was keen to do the things I wanted to do. But nowhere in there did I indicate that I wanted to do things with a thought to what they actually wanted. Nor did I ever indicate that I wanted to give up any control to anyone. I wanted to try the things I wanted to try. I wanted someone to do those things to me. Sure, I expected that they would enjoy the things to. But that was certainly not my main motivation.

Yes. I was a do-me bottom. And a confused one at that!

Not that being a bottom is wrong or bad. It isn’t. Bottoms are wonderful to have! They are the perfect counterpoint to tops. And do-me bottoms aren’t even a bad thing. They are the perfect counterpoint to service tops. But bottoming is not the same thing as submitting. And if you don’t have a conversation with your partner, it can lead to frustration and confusion. For both/all of you.

So listen up all you submissive people! Ask yourself if you want to do the things you want to do. Do you want to do the things that your partner wants to do? Maybe you want to do things that are mutually agreeable to all parties. Ask yourself if your main priority (not your only one, perhaps, but your main one) is you or your partner(s). Ask yourself if you want someone else making decisions about your scene. Or your life. Or maybe you want to be the one making those decisions. If your answers are anything like the examples above? Perhaps you are not submissive. Perhaps you are a bottom. Perhaps you are a do-me bottom. Perhaps you are actually… a dominant.

It happens sometimes that we are all a bit confused. And the best thing we can do for our own peace of mind and happiness is to give it some thought so that we can figure out what actually works for us. How can we find our happiness if we don’t even have a clue what it looks like?

Musings on what I like: actually submissive submissives

Logically, I know that not everyone will be attracted to what I’m attracted to. I’ve always acknowledged that I don’t really go for the stereotypically attractive men. I like slight men. Short. Wiry. Pretty. Submissive. While I can be attracted to men that the world might identify as “alpha,” (not that I personally care for that particular term) it’s much easier for me to be attracted to men who most would not label as alpha, leader, etc. It isn’t that I don’t like a man with his own personality. Or that inner strength. On the contrary, I appreciate a man who is unafraid to be whoever he is. But I have a special sweet spot in my heart for men who are unabashedly, whole heartedly, fearlessly submissive.

One who can embrace his desire to hand over authority to me. One who wants to do things that make me happy. One who embraces the part of himself that revels in making my life more pleasurable. I have sometimes worried that my style of dominance doesn’t resonate as dominant to many people. I don’t really want to deal with someone who won’t willingly hand over authority once he knows I’m trustworthy. I also refuse to act dominantly before I consent to it. Which can also be a potential turn-off to potential submissives. But when it works, it’s brilliant.

That fearlessly submissive man who clicks with me empowers me to look at my own desires and make them known to him. To expect that he will do the things I ask him to do. To find my nurturing side, which can only express itself through my ability to be the dominant partner. Because that does seem to be the only way it will come to the fore with me. If he isn’t submitting to my authority, taking care of my most basic of needs… then my desire to nurture is basically nonexistent. It isn’t that I don’t care about someone who isn’t submitting to me. I can and have. But there’s caring, and there’s the desire to nurture and help him be the absolute best he can be.

And that only seems to come out once I am confident in his joyous submission to me.

How to submit (to me)

Over on Not Just Bitchy, Stabbity asks What does submission mean to you? Well, I’ll tell you.

To me, it is a very simple thing. Submission means that the person wanting to submit wants to give up some level of control or authority to someone else in their personal relationship(s).

That is the core of submission as far as I am concerned. It does not have anything to do with bondage, whips, boot licking, small penises, being naked around your partner(s), wearing a particular type of clothing, being a particular gender, or putting your mouth on your partner’s genitalia. Any or all of those things can be fun and wonderful, but they are not indicators of submission to me. Submission is not found in any one act or lack of action. It comes from within the person wanting to submit, and is a core desire/need as opposed to an act or action.

How does that work for me in particular? Well I’ll tell you that too! (Now that I am beginning to have more of an idea myself.)

First, submission from my partners must originate from them. It must not rely on some action or inspiration from me. It needs to be one of their core… needs. I appreciate that he doesn’t necessarily want to submit to just anyone. That not any person with a pulse will do. But the actual desire to submit to someone who is a good fit as a partner, lover, or both… should always be there in him. Even when he is not in a D/s relationship.

And I do think that it needs to be a desire that does not just surface when he is in a relationship. Because it is such a core need of mine, I don’t think I would be a good fit for someone who didn’t have that burning desire to find the right woman to submit to. The way that I want to dominate someone does not seem to diminish due to mood, illness, injury, bad hair days, or happiness on my part. It simply is. All the time. Every day.

In addition, the way that I want submission is that it should come naturally with grace. I do not what to have to continually earn or fight for his submission. Negotiation is wonderful and desirable. But once he agrees to hand over control of something to me, I don’t want to have to argue about it. If some compelling reason he can no longer submit in a particular way should arise, we can renegotiate. But it had better be a more compelling reason than he doesn’t feel like it.

Lastly, that desire to give up some degree of control or authority should, in and of itself, fulfill him. I don’t expect it to be the only fulfilling thing in his life, but I do expect that it should bring him fulfillment to be able to give control to someone else. Frankly, having responsibility for someone else is a lot of work. I don’t want to have to do additional work of convincing him that submission is awesome and what he should be doing to bring some happiness into his life. I am certainly happy to let him know how much I appreciate his submission and how much I value it. But I want him to also realize that, as a core need of his, that our relationship is meeting that need to submit as much as it meets my need to dominate.

Nobody can’t get no satisfaction (sometimes)

The problem (aside from not getting nearly enough of it) with having sexual experiences so shockingly exceptional is… that it can become a craving. And anything less can seem undesirable. This isn’t to say that I don’t treasure that night. I do. I wouldn’t change it or give it up for the world. If I had it to do over again, I’d do the same thing. But now I have this odd love/hate relationship with sex when it comes to the Wild Thing. I hope for something transcendent again. Every time. But I also fear I’ll never feel that again.

The other problem is that I am now giving something (partially de-kinked sex*) to the Wild Thing that I don’t seem to be able to manage with the Husband. It isn’t for lack of trying. It’s just that they are two different men and I have two different dynamics with them. I’ve given it some thought. My current conclusion is that my dynamic with the Husband includes a very healthy dose of S/m. And for him, sex is intrinsically linked with pain of some sort. Emotional, physical, both. So though he tells me he wants vanilla sex. Lovemaking. No kink. His cock won’t cooperate with that idea in his head.

And really, neither of these are gargantuan problems. I still manage to fuck the Wild Thing whenever I get the chance. Sometimes it’s transcendent. Sometimes it’s merely wonderful. And while it probably looks like “lovemaking” or “non-kinky” sex to the Husband, it isn’t. *The D/s dynamic permeates every interaction the Wild Thing and I have, including sex. So whether it’s transporting me across the universe or just across the room and into bed, my sex with the Wild Thing is D/s sex. It isn’t vanilla by a long shot.

This is my life: A night like any other

We had been together for several days already. There had been opportunities, but I’d passed them up. It didn’t seem quite the moment. He was not in his usual happy mood. I was waiting. I had him do some cooking, which usually cheers him up. It seemed to bring back some of his usual cheerful demeanor, but it didn’t last. I had given him some chores. That helped temporarily as well. He even asked if there was more he could do. But eventually, I was tired of waiting for that perfect moment.

I stripped him. I bound him. I started biting and flogging him. He began crying with the flogging. I had been expecting that. He’d been in a melancholy mood. His emotions close to the surface. I soon gave up the flogger for the whips. I began to hurt him in earnest. He sobbed. I put a towel down at his feet so he could drool, spit, sputter, anything. And he did. I gave him tissues and sips of water. I continued to whip him til his legs were collapsing and his back was bloody.

As his legs gave out, it was starting to pull on his wrists. His arms stretched overhead to their limit. So I took the cuffs off. And kept going. I placed my foot near his hand so he could touch me if he wanted to. Or needed to. He did. Eventually I decided he’d had enough. He was sobbing on the ground in a small pile of beautiful, bloody, submissive flesh. I put the whip down and laid on the ground beside him. He reached for me with a sweet desperation. I probably shouldn’t love that. But I do. It’s one of my favorite parts of our play. He needs to feel me. Feel me surrounding him with my arms and my acceptance and my love. He needs it like air. And I love him all the more for his unabashed neediness.

This time was different though. His sobbing was less heaving and more choking tears. It felt different to me as well. I asked him about it and my suspicions were confirmed. He didn’t experience the same moving kind of catharsis he usually does when I whip him that hard. I was hoping for that catharsis for him. That letting go and purging of emotions. But it doesn’t seem to work that way for him. Actually, it’s never worked that way for anyone I’ve played with. I begin to wonder if that “I will beat you because you need to let go!” is just a myth. I think the thing that helped the most was our being together. But maybe his being able to serve me by cooking, cleaning, and meeting my sadistic needs was more help than I think. I’ll have to ask him after more time has passed and he has some distance from it.

30 Days of Kink: 26 – 30

This went significantly longer than 30 days! But finally, the last installment.

26. What’s your opinion of online BDSM play?

I think it’s not at all the same as playing in person. There is a very different feel to a scene where someone else is administering the pain/bondage/etc. Yes, the bottom can always (at least in theory) stop the scene with a safeword when playing in person. However, when playing online, it’s as easy as simply stopping since the other person is not there to prevent it. In addition to that, another person doesn’t know exactly how it feels in the moment to be tied/flogged/spanked/etc, and s/he is going to be the one doing the actions. When administering pain or bondage to yourself, you can simply not hit quite as hard (or hit a bit harder) to get the desired (by you) result. The top is usually going to hit harder/softer to get the reaction (or desired result) s/he wants. All that being said, I wouldn’t go so far (as I’ve seen others do) as to call online play “fake.” It’s real, it’s simply different.

27. Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

In an extremely roundabout way… I enjoy reading, so researching new techniques or new ways of structuring relationships can be fun! I also need to know a fair amount about human anatomy for my work, so that has come in handy on several occasions.

28. How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

What I wear runs the gamut from a leather corset over a latex catsuit with 6″ heel boots to… playing totally naked. It really depends on where I’ll be and what I’m doing. Sometimes the venue has a dress code, which I will abide by. That is often defined as “something kinky.” Often one can’t show nipples, genitals, or butt crack at the more public fetish events. At home, I still might wear boots (there can be no boot worship without boots) or latex (I find the dressing & shining process quite erotic) or other kinky clothes. If I’m going to be crawling around on a bed or the floor (if I’m going to do a significant amount of floor rigging or I’m going to be sexing up my play partner) then I am most likely not going to be wearing the boots or corsets. I’m much more likely to be naked or nearly naked. So I’d say that some of the clothing is significant in that it is a kink of mine either directly (boot worship) or indirectly (I love shiny clothing such as latex or pvc), it certainly isn’t necessary for me to enjoy some fun kinky times!

29. Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

I don’t have any attachment to any title. The one quirk I have in regards to titles is not appreciating anyone who isn’t my property calling me master or mistress. Other than that, I am fine with anything from my name to Grand High Mistress of Everything! Though the last one might cause me to burst into laughter. I also don’t particularly care if others want to use titles. As long as they understand that I, and anyone I own, may or may not choose to use them.

30. Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Sometimes, it’s good to remember things…

Like just because I’m the dominant partner, it doesn’t mean that I get everything I want. Or get to do everything I want. And that’s generally fine. Sometimes I still don’t get what I want because what I want isn’t in the best interest of my partner(s). Sometimes I have to make the call that nobody is going to get what they want because that’s what is best for everyone. Sometimes I don’t get what I want because there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. Sometimes I don’t get what I want because I chose to sacrifice that in favor of getting to have a wonderful relationship that has other benefits than “This person/these people will be able to give me everything I want.” Sometimes I don’t get what I want because physics or nature simply don’t allow for it. Sometimes that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. But you know what all those things have in common? I am still the one making the call about whether or not I’m getting everything I want. (Except for the physics/nature issue. And if I could change that, I really would.)