Tag Archives: the husband

When 2 halves don’t make a whole

I am sure the few readers I have might have noticed that I haven’t been writing much lately. Partially it has been that I have not had much time alone. And it’s very hard to keep an anonymous blog when your loves are looking over your shoulder at what you are typing. Also, vanilla life has gotten busy. But in addition…

I have not been doing much in the way of kinky play or D/s. In fact, both of my relationships have been gearing down from those things and steering in a much more vanilla direction. I do still have some kinky play times and some D/s in my life. But it isn’t nearly what it was a few years ago. So I simply have less to write about.

I wish I could say that I’m happy with this situation. But it seems that I keep finding myself in this kind of situation. (This has not been my first foray into multiple partners.) One, two, three partners, and very little kink in my life. You would think that with more partners, you would of necessity be getting more play. More D/s. Apparently it doesn’t always follow. The only way that I have found more kinky play (though not more D/s) with multiple partners are the times I have done more casual play with friends.

Now I find myself feeling that I am approaching a crossroads. I find the older that I get, the harder it is for me to find chemistry with anyone. The less often I am attracted to anyone on even the most rudimentary level. The less I have in common with any one person. And yet the more I find that what I need in my life is one (or two) permanent and committed relationship(s) with plenty of authority transfer and kinky play times. And I find myself needing someone (or someones) who has plenty of time to spend on me.

What I currently have are two halves of that equation. I have two partners with whom I have things in common and they have been fairly committed and permanent. But the kink and D/s have been fading into dust. They have become… are becoming… half relationships. Half relationships with men that I still love. And that aren’t filling my needs.

The Husband accepted a job that has taken him to another state. Our relationship has become long-distance. It was supposed to be temporary, but after a few years, it becomes clear that it isn’t. He is happy and doing work that suits his talents. This is wonderful! For him. But it is slowly killing our relationship. And it has already killed our kinky play and D/s. He no longer feels like mine. He feels like a handsome stranger that I want to get to know but can’t. Not enough time.

The Wild Thing was never going to be a forever relationship. There are too many things that he wants from life that I can’t deliver. And as those things return to his consciousness after the NRE and rose-colored-glasses phase of our relationship fades (we have had quite a long time, over 2 years of NRE and rose-colored-glasses), he doesn’t feel like mine either. He feels like a horse comfortable in the yoke but ready to start running free. And I want him to be able to run free. I never want to hold anyone back from being who they are.

But that leaves me with two vanilla halves of a relationship that don’t… can’t add up to a whole for someone who NEEDS the passionate whippings. The willing servitude. The concession of will. The hours of time together. And the joy in all these things must be mutual. When the joy and the enthusiasm is one-sided, I lose my energy and will to sustain things on my own.

I need a partner in crime. Someone or someones who glory in bending to my will and being the canvas for my passion. They must be in it with me. I am sad that I don’t have these things.

But I am also hesitantly hopeful that those things are out there. And that I can and will find him. Or them. And hesitantly hopeful for the men I love to find whatever it is that they need as well. Because I don’t think it is me. And I am cowardly. Because I have no idea how to go about speaking about this with them. I do still love them. I don’t want to damage them. And I can’t tell if staying together will damage them more than parting our paths.

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This is my life: miracle weekend

It’s late in my part of the world. The night is dark and cool. Nobody here but me. It was an intense weekend, and I’m both elated and a bit exhausted. I have missed 3 days of work, played, argued, made up, fucked, and cried. Not necessarily in that order. I feel I’ve been living in a different land for the past 5 days. Tomorrow I go back to the real world. There may be repercussions for missing work. I believe it was worth it. Even if I end up being fired, it will have been worth it. The Husband and I have reconnected. I feel wonderful!

Now I am looking forward to the future. I feel that things can work. For all of us. Times are changing. I am changing. Again. More hope for more kink and more love and more togetherness. It may not be perfect, but what is? Nothing. And this is good. This weekend has been a much needed catharsis. And now for some sleep!

Musings on forced femme & feminization

It’s a touchy subject. And it’s surrounded by heated debates almost every time it is brought up. Forced anything play.

I do it. I like it. Sometimes. And other times, I wouldn’t touch it under threat of death. (Slight exaggeration, but you get the picture.) Why? Well I’m glad you asked. I’ll tell you! And I’m using forced femme as my platform as I’ve just read something that insisted that all forms of forced femme stem from a place of misogyny. I have, therefore, just been called a misogynyst. Of course, I disagree.

I have two very different submissives right now. The Wild Thing wears panties every day. I took away all his “man” undergarments. He has one pair of black boxer briefs that he is allowed to keep in case he has some kind of emergency where he needs to present as male/masculine. Otherwise he wears panties. All day every day. It isn’t forced. I require it, but I didn’t force it out of him. It’s who he is. He owned some before we met along with some skirts and feminine lingerie. It’s natural to him. As natural and right as his having skin or legs or eyes. It was my choice to have him wear them all the time, but I did so because it is a part of him. I want him to know I think it’s sexy and beautiful and that I love to see him in his panties.

I also like to see The Husband in sexy feminine clothing. He has a love/hate relationship with wearing them. He doesn’t like wearing them. He likes being forced. I like to see him in them. I like forcing him. Many people would say that he’s a misogynistic jerk because he likes me to force him to wear women’s clothing. And that I am, by my participation in this activity, a party to misogyny. Because I’m forcing him to be “lesser” by making him dress in a feminine manner.

Now, I will agree that many people who participate in forced femme are coming from a place of misogyny. I’ve heard many a submissive man want me to force him into a pair of heels and a dress in order to access his submissive side. That he couldn’t submit any other way. As if somehow only women can be submissive because they are somehow meant to be. That is the kind of forced femme that I don’t like. I won’t do it. It does nothing for me. In fact, it’s a big turn-off.

But that isn’t how forced femme works for The Husband. It makes him uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel natural to him. It’s as if he suddenly sprouted feathers instead of having hair. I like making him uncomfortable. I like taking him out of his comfort zone. And, admittedly, he looks incredibly hot in lace and satin and a pair of heels. Which I love!

And he does see it as a form of humiliation. Not because he’s being feminized or made to be more like a woman. But because it’s not who he is. I would get the same reaction if I dressed him as an infant. And it certainly isn’t like he feels being a baby was a humiliating time in his life. Or that babies are somehow not ok. It simply isn’t who he is. And I don’t dress him like that because I find stockings and heels sexy and I don’t find diapers and baby bonnets sexy.

If I did, he might find himself in a baby bonnet and thigh high boots. Of course, he would do it. And be uncomfortable. And turned on by being taken out of his comfort zone. But I’d really rather see him in lace.

Nobody can’t get no satisfaction (sometimes)

The problem (aside from not getting nearly enough of it) with having sexual experiences so shockingly exceptional is… that it can become a craving. And anything less can seem undesirable. This isn’t to say that I don’t treasure that night. I do. I wouldn’t change it or give it up for the world. If I had it to do over again, I’d do the same thing. But now I have this odd love/hate relationship with sex when it comes to the Wild Thing. I hope for something transcendent again. Every time. But I also fear I’ll never feel that again.

The other problem is that I am now giving something (partially de-kinked sex*) to the Wild Thing that I don’t seem to be able to manage with the Husband. It isn’t for lack of trying. It’s just that they are two different men and I have two different dynamics with them. I’ve given it some thought. My current conclusion is that my dynamic with the Husband includes a very healthy dose of S/m. And for him, sex is intrinsically linked with pain of some sort. Emotional, physical, both. So though he tells me he wants vanilla sex. Lovemaking. No kink. His cock won’t cooperate with that idea in his head.

And really, neither of these are gargantuan problems. I still manage to fuck the Wild Thing whenever I get the chance. Sometimes it’s transcendent. Sometimes it’s merely wonderful. And while it probably looks like “lovemaking” or “non-kinky” sex to the Husband, it isn’t. *The D/s dynamic permeates every interaction the Wild Thing and I have, including sex. So whether it’s transporting me across the universe or just across the room and into bed, my sex with the Wild Thing is D/s sex. It isn’t vanilla by a long shot.

30 Days of Kink: 21 – 25

21. Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)?

I’ve read a few official kink books and they were… decent. There is a series of books by Anne Bishop, The Black Jewels books, which is vaguely female dom/male sub oriented. I enjoyed the books, but don’t think they are a very good representation of what most BDSM relationships are like. Especially since they involve magic!

22. What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I’m not sure it differs much from a vanilla relationship really. The only difference is that I think there are more (kink/BDSM) needs which must also be fulfilled. So there are more chances that something might fall between the cracks if one isn’t paying attention or gets too bogged down with other life stuff.

23. Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

Just about everything has changed. I thought I was slave material. I’m not. Then I thought I was only a sadist with no interest in domination. I was wrong. There are so many things that I thought I’d never be interested in or turned on by. But I am. I thought I’d never find a partner that would meet even half my kinky needs. But I have. I thought so many things. Now I’m just trying to keep up with all the changing perspectives and interests!

24. What qualities do you look for in a partner?

I look for the same things I’d look for in a vanilla partner. In addition to “the usual” things like honesty, intelligence, and that sort of thing… I enjoy men (and it does need to be a genetic male or a transwoman whose penis is still functional and she’s still willing to use it) who are submissive masochists. Nothing else will do.

25. How open are you about your kinks?

Within the kink community, I’m quite open. There are almost no things I am not open about. I do have some… different fantasies that I’ve only shared with one person. They are physically impossible, so they will never happen unless science as we know it ceases to exist. I have some other… darker fantasies that I don’t share with very many people outside of my inner inner circle. Otherwise, I am an open book. Outside the kink community, I don’t bring it up nor do I participate in many conversations with vanilla people about my kinks. I will talk to my (few) vanilla friends. But I certainly don’t volunteer my kinks to strangers or people I don’t know. Even so, I’m much more “out” about my kinks that the Husband likes. He’d prefer if I never mentioned anything about our poly or kink lifestyle to anyone ever. But I am a horrible liar. So the best I can usually do is to make noncommittal noises or avoid the conversation entirely.

30 Days of Kink: 11 – 15

11. What are your views on the ethics of kink?

I think it’s ethical if the people doing it are ethical people. Of course, there are no guarantees of this. Just as in every other walk of life, there are jerks, assholes, users, abusers, liars, scallywags, you get the picture. What I don’t think is that consensual inequality in relationships is inherently unethical.

12. Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.

I once accidentally fried the Husband’s cock and balls due to a sub-par electrical device. It suddenly jumped all the way to the highest setting. He was yelling. I was freaking out. It was like some kind of kinky sitcom. After the fact (way after the fact), we laughed about it. However, in the moment it was all kinds of not funny. And the Husband was incredibly pissed off at me. From this we learned NOT to skimp on quality toys.

13. Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you. Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

As best I can tell, I’m just wired this way. I am drawn to these things because I am. I wasn’t abused as a child or any other odd stereotypical tripe that gets bandied about. I grew up in a middle class home with loving parents. I had a boring and normal childhood. I will certainly say that I’m drawn to the possibilities that kink offers for artistic expression & vulnerability.

14. How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?

In almost every conceivable way from the kink porn I’ve seen. The porn fantasy of BDSM/kink usually involves a one-dimensional, aloof, uncaring, inhumanly beautiful, latex-clad Vaklyrie doing exactly (and only) the things that the guy in said porn likes. And then she sucks his dick. While I love latex, consider myself attractive, and can bitch-queen it up as well as the next gal… I’m also much more than just those things. I have more dimensions. I also cry and laugh and read science fiction novels with my submissives. I love them fiercely. I do things with them and require things of them that they don’t like. And we all have lives outside of kink.

15. Post a BDSM/kink activity you are curious about and would like to try.

I have, for years, wanted to try saline infusion. I have specifically wanted to try scrotal infusion. Recently I’d also like to try giving the Wild Thing saline “implants.”

This is my life: I can’t get no satisfaction

“I would like to be able to have sex with the Wild Thing.”

… silence …

This rant is brought to you by my (lack of) sex life. For someone with two men who are submitting to me, you’d think I’d have more sex. I would certainly like to have more sex. Lots more sex. Unfortunately, it never quite seems to work out that way. I might get to have sex once or twice a month. That’s really not my ideal. I love cock. I prefer sex a few times a week. But despite owning two men with perfectly good penises (penii?), I just can’t get some. Why? Well I’ll tell you.

One of the men, the Husband, is currently working about 9 hours away from me. I see him for 3-6 days every month. I own his penis. I can use it whenever I want to. Except that most days, if I want to use it, I’d have 18 hours of driving for some cock. And when he’s here, we can’t always get on the same page about getting our groove on. He doesn’t like having sex when I’m on my period. So if he’s here when I’m all bleeding, I can’t have sex with him. And sometimes he’s just not in the mood. I could technically just tell him to get it up and then jump on him. But that’s not really appealing to me. I don’t like having to force someone to get it on with me. That makes me feel gross & undesirable, not to mention a little rapey.

I do have ready access to the penis attached to the Wild Thing. I see him for at least a few days every week. And if he isn’t in my actual presence, he’s only a phone call away. I own his dick. It is mere minutes away at all times. And he’s certainly willing whenever I want to interact with him sexually. I can use it whenever I want to right? Wrong. I have to ask permission from my submissive property, the Husband, in order to be able to have sex with my submissive boyfriend. Let me just say that again, because it feels all kinds of wrong to me.

I, as the dominant and owner, must ask permission of my submissive property in order to be able to fuck my boyfriend.

I feel like I’m eating shards of glass every time I have to get his permission to do something that (to my mind) should be a normal and natural occurrence between people who are dating.

I feel like an an asshole asking the Wild Thing to wait for a third party’s whim to decide when he can have sex.

I feel like the submissive partner in my own sex life.

I do not feel empowered as a dominant or a sexual being.

I do not feel I’m having enough sex.

But there are no easy answers. The Husband can’t accept my having sex whenever I want to. So he is still in control of my sex life. I hate it. But I hate it less than I hate the idea of being without the Husband. So I eat my broken glass. I bleed my words & my independence out of my mouth. And I am eternally thankful that the Wild Thing is so easygoing.