In talking to some friends over the weekend, I realized how expectations are formed around what I think of as “normal.” Sounds very reasonable. Sounds good. Sounds like something everyone would do. And my guess is everyone does. The problem is that “normal” is really quite subjective. There are very few things that everyone expects out of others. Usually along the lines of the 10 commandments… but other than not murdering, stealing, or cutting in line at Starbucks, it’s all relative to our own life experiences and how we have processed that information.
So what has become totally normalized to me, may well be completely abnormal to someone else. I mean it could vary really widely! The difference can also be pretty catastrophic to my relationships if I am not careful. I have a certain set of expectations out of people I become close to. Specifically, I have certain expectations out of my submissive(s). A lot of the things I have come to expect really seem like no-brainers to me. But the discussion over the weekend reminded me that “normal” is relative. And if that’s true, I shouldn’t assume that someone isn’t making a pretty herculean effort in my direction. (Also, I shouldn’t assume something that seems herculean to me is any effort at all to them.)
Effort is important to me. I require it from anyone I’m in D/s relationship with. If I don’t feel like someone is making an effort for me, I tend to not feel like we’re in much of a relationship. Be it right, wrong, or indifferent… that is how it goes with me. The bigger the effort, the more special I feel. It makes me feel more dominant when I ask for something that I feel requires effort and he comes through for me. Now I realize that I need to also take into consideration what he feels requires effort. And on top of that, I won’t necessarily know when he is making an effort unless he volunteers that information or I ask for it.
I asked the raven a few questions last week. Turns out that something I considered to be completely normal and not requiring effort was something completely new for him. He’d never actually done it before. On top of that, he gave me photographic evidence. That’s another thing that seems quite normal to me but is a big effort for him. That knowledge left me feeling he really must be into me and into our relationship to make this kind of effort for me. And the husband is making a much better effort to keep me informed of all his comings and goings. I am alone with my thoughts this week, and I want to spend my time appreciating the men in my life and the effort they make for me.
I was talking to a friend of mine about our various bdsm partner issues. She keeps attracting submissives who aren’t necessarily masochistic. I keep attracting masochists who aren’t necessarily submissive. Between the two of us if we could combine the guys we are meeting into one person, it would be perfect! Well, perhaps not perfect but at least more likely to turn out well. I’m still hopeful that the raven will pay me a visit. But time drags on and I begin to be impatient. And though he is (as is the husband) really trying to give me what I am looking for in the D/s department, there are things I know could take a long while for him to get past. And he might never get past them.
I’m most concerned with the privacy issues. I like playing in public venues. I like taking pictures and posting them on kinky websites. Right now that is completely out of the question. I’m not sure if it’s due to his being just a very cautiously private person. Or, as my brain keeps insisting, he’s otherwise spoken-for and his privacy issues stem from that. Ultimately it doesn’t much matter. Either one is going to be a problem for me.
Right now if I had to post a classified ad, it would go something like this:
ISO fit, young, pretty boy, doormat. Must be a heavy masochist. Must like older chunky women. Must be open to interaction with other men. Must love dogs.
I see your window pop up when I start my chat program. You’re not on yet, but it still makes me smile that I see your “Good night” message staring back at me. I want you. I want to know everything inside your head. I want to know every inch of your body, even the soles of your feet. I never expected or wanted to get so close to you. Some days I wish I didn’t feel like I do. But I do feel this way. I hope. I hope a lot. I daydream about the possibilities. Even if we never meet, you will continue to be a part of me if only in my head. You can make me laugh and smile. That is not an easy thing to do. I want you. I’m simultaneously really happy and excited, and really dubious that this will ever come to fruition. But I’m going to let my expectation of how it has to be go. Whatever happens in the future, I have the smile on my face when I look at what you’ve done for me and when I see the words you typed on a screen last night pop up today.
Tonight is playtime! I’m very excited. I get dinner, latex (loooooots of latex), as much strapon sex as I can manage (I am sure to be very sore tomorrow but it will be worth it!), and some pain play. Plus I have a date night with the raven. He’s been extra attentive lately. I like this new trend a LOT. Plus we had some time together spontaneously on Saturday. That was a rare treat which I was very happy about. I’ve been challenging him quite a lot lately and he has been doing a great job stepping up and being really honest about the few things he’s not ready for yet. The husband has also been very accommodating in the last few days. Part of me is kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop. But in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy being a demanding dom and fulfilling as many of my kinks as I can!