When 2 halves don’t make a whole

I am sure the few readers I have might have noticed that I haven’t been writing much lately. Partially it has been that I have not had much time alone. And it’s very hard to keep an anonymous blog when your loves are looking over your shoulder at what you are typing. Also, vanilla life has gotten busy. But in addition…

I have not been doing much in the way of kinky play or D/s. In fact, both of my relationships have been gearing down from those things and steering in a much more vanilla direction. I do still have some kinky play times and some D/s in my life. But it isn’t nearly what it was a few years ago. So I simply have less to write about.

I wish I could say that I’m happy with this situation. But it seems that I keep finding myself in this kind of situation. (This has not been my first foray into multiple partners.) One, two, three partners, and very little kink in my life. You would think that with more partners, you would of necessity be getting more play. More D/s. Apparently it doesn’t always follow. The only way that I have found more kinky play (though not more D/s) with multiple partners are the times I have done more casual play with friends.

Now I find myself feeling that I am approaching a crossroads. I find the older that I get, the harder it is for me to find chemistry with anyone. The less often I am attracted to anyone on even the most rudimentary level. The less I have in common with any one person. And yet the more I find that what I need in my life is one (or two) permanent and committed relationship(s) with plenty of authority transfer and kinky play times. And I find myself needing someone (or someones) who has plenty of time to spend on me.

What I currently have are two halves of that equation. I have two partners with whom I have things in common and they have been fairly committed and permanent. But the kink and D/s have been fading into dust. They have become… are becoming… half relationships. Half relationships with men that I still love. And that aren’t filling my needs.

The Husband accepted a job that has taken him to another state. Our relationship has become long-distance. It was supposed to be temporary, but after a few years, it becomes clear that it isn’t. He is happy and doing work that suits his talents. This is wonderful! For him. But it is slowly killing our relationship. And it has already killed our kinky play and D/s. He no longer feels like mine. He feels like a handsome stranger that I want to get to know but can’t. Not enough time.

The Wild Thing was never going to be a forever relationship. There are too many things that he wants from life that I can’t deliver. And as those things return to his consciousness after the NRE and rose-colored-glasses phase of our relationship fades (we have had quite a long time, over 2 years of NRE and rose-colored-glasses), he doesn’t feel like mine either. He feels like a horse comfortable in the yoke but ready to start running free. And I want him to be able to run free. I never want to hold anyone back from being who they are.

But that leaves me with two vanilla halves of a relationship that don’t… can’t add up to a whole for someone who NEEDS the passionate whippings. The willing servitude. The concession of will. The hours of time together. And the joy in all these things must be mutual. When the joy and the enthusiasm is one-sided, I lose my energy and will to sustain things on my own.

I need a partner in crime. Someone or someones who glory in bending to my will and being the canvas for my passion. They must be in it with me. I am sad that I don’t have these things.

But I am also hesitantly hopeful that those things are out there. And that I can and will find him. Or them. And hesitantly hopeful for the men I love to find whatever it is that they need as well. Because I don’t think it is me. And I am cowardly. Because I have no idea how to go about speaking about this with them. I do still love them. I don’t want to damage them. And I can’t tell if staying together will damage them more than parting our paths.

Musings on 24/7

I keep seeing discussions about how people choose their D/s partners and how they go about weeding the wheat from the chaff and what labels they are looking for and blah blah blah… Yes, it’s important to find partners you are actually compatible with. I get it. But one thing I DON’T get is how 24/7 seems to have become synonymous with TPE. Because I don’t agree with that idea at all.

Let me start by defining the terms 24/7 and TPE and how I come by those definitions. Because it’s vital to the reasoning behind my above referenced disagreement.

I define 24/7 as 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So it pertains to time. In this case it is a unit of time that basically does not end. It is an ongoing time period.

I define TPE (total power exchange) as a type of relationship where one or more persons has given authority to one or more persons over absolutely everything. And I mean EVERYTHING… job/no job, clothing worn (or not worn), how to spend free time, who does the chores, what kind of car to own (or not), length of nostril hairs, everything. So it pertains to a level of authority.

I find these two concepts to be related but NOT THE SAME THING. One has to do with time. The other has to do with authority. The way they are related (in my opinion) has to do with the level of authority exchange being total. Because I think it would be difficult to have total authority over someone for a limited time period. I suppose it would depend a lot on what one actually wanted to exert authority over. Because if I have a TPE agreement with someone only on the 12th of every month… and I tell him on the 12th of June that he has to quit his job? Well, that is going to extend beyond the 12th of June. So a TPE relationship is usually also a 24/7 relationship.

BUT…

Not all 24/7 relationships are TPE. And I find this to be an important distinction. I seek 24/7 relationships because some of the things I want authority over are things I want authority over ALL THE TIME. But I don’t need authority over everything. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had submissive men run scared because I mention that I like 24/7 D/s. They will start telling me how they can’t give up control of everything to someone. They aren’t a good fit because they want to retain some authority over things like friends, family, and work. And I am quick to point out my views on the difference between 24/7 and TPE.

But the fact remains that there are some things I want continuous authority over. All day every day. So yes, I am a 24/7 dominant looking for a 24/7 submissive. (Well I am not actually looking right now, but you get the point.) But I don’t care how long your nostril hairs are or if you want to wear a rainbow tie-die speedo to the beach. But I don’t want to share authority over how the towels are folded or how often my submissive orgasms.

So the tl;dr version is: TPE is about what things someone has authority over and 24/7 is about when someone has authority over something. But they really not the same thing at all.

Filler post here

As another blogger put it in her recent blog, the things we put on our social media are the highlights of our life. I have not had much to say lately because, well… there hasn’t been much to talk about. Just the minutia of daily living. Both the Husband and the Wild Thing have been quite busy. So there has been almost no time for fun, sex, or kink. I have largely been bored… focused on my work… revisiting my hobbies.

So this is a filler post put here to remind us all that life is not always exciting. Sometimes it is boring. Or tedious. Or unpleasant. And that is just as it should be.

Of course, I did finally get to play some with the Wild Thing this past weekend! It was worth the wait. He is incredibly beautiful when he is suffering.

Running List of Things I Want Authority Over

This is not a comprehensive list. Contents subject to change without notice. The term “you” in no way implies the personage of the reader of this document without consent of both parties. Blahblahlegaleseblah…

 

What you eat & drink when you are with me.

What audiovisual entertainment we utilize when together such as television, movies, concerts, plays, sports, etc.

Orgasms & genital/anal touching.

Sex acts. Frequency, length of the sex acts, who participates in sex acts, and type of sex acts.

Play. Frequency, length of time, and types of play.

Body hair & facial hair. Preferably all the time but definitely when we are together.

What you wear under your everyday clothing and also all kink event/playtime clothing.

Decor and arrangement of furniture in any place I will be living for more than a short time. Having a “man cave” is fine as space allows.

How the towels and sheets are folded any place I will be living for more than a short time.

Position of the toilet seat/lid any place I will be staying for one night or more.

Whether or not we have pets of any kind.

Who does what chores when.

When food/beverages occur when we are together.

Who drives what vehicle and the route we take to get where we are going.

Any major household purchase such as roofing, furniture, or appliances.

Any household services such as yard service or cable television.

Don’t be that guy

So I have a bit of a bone to pick. I have seen a rash of “woe is me” posts lately. And, admittedly, I am probably not the most sympathetic person when it comes to privileged people whining about how rough they have it. And I am particularly unsympathetic when young and conventionally attractive women whine about how hard it is being a cis, white, attractive, young woman. I mean don’t you know their life is JUST SO HARD! Well I have had a rough few weeks. So my normally sparse sympathy is currently nonexistent. Yes, yes… I know that cis, white, conventionally attractive young people do have the same basic capacity to have problems just like all other people do. But really… cry me a fucking river.

So you are the poor, poor girl that everyone wants to play with. It’s just terrible that you have access to so much play.  Yes, I hear you that you want love with your play. Frankly, so do I. I think a lot of people do. That isn’t where you lost me. I was already lost when you were whining about something that so very many people don’t have access to at all. With loving partners or not. People who would love to be able to play, but simply don’t have anyone willing to play with them. People who don’t fit the conventional standards of beauty. People who are differently abled. Trans people dealing with ridiculous prejudice. These people also deserve loving people to play with. The main difference is that they don’t always have the opportunity to even turn people down for play a lot of the time. So yeah. I get that you are unhappy you pretty, young, white, cis woman who already has a daddy. You poor thing. I just feel for you that one loving partner to play with isn’t enough for you. And you had to let the internet know how rough it is to be so pretty that everyone wants you. Yes. Isn’t it horrible for you…

And you too, poor girl too cute to be taken seriously. I feel for your terrible plight. Being young and pretty is just horrible. I mean, all the answers to the thread basically said that being young and cute is a good thing. But we all know how hard it is.

In short. If you are an able bodied, cis, young, white woman… please stop complaining about your partner-finding issues. Everyone has a rough time finding compatible partners. And you are actually quite privileged. Just try to imagine not having nearly as many options. Like if you were an elderly, differently abled, trans person of color seeking play partners. Think about that for a minute.

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

 

Caveats: I speak from my own place of privilege as someone with two compatible partners. And I fully accept that just because one is privileged in one area, they could be disadvantaged in other areas. I also do think it sucks when people in general are seeking connection and can’t find it, no matter their circumstances/privileges.

Open letter to rope people

Dear rope people,

The takate kote is not the only way to tie someone up. There are plenty of other ways to tie someone up. You don’t have to put the arms behind the back. In fact, you don’t even have to tie the arms up at all. I promise, nobody will take away your Official Shibari Master Club card. And really, if you are all so concerned about the dreaded nerve damage and the even more dreaded wrist drop…

Maybe you should do a different fucking tie.

Seriously. I am sick of hearing the “woe is me” whining from rope bottoms bemoaning how they have to sacrifice their body for their art. Newsflash, you don’t have to. I’m even more sick of hearing the self-congratulatory blatherings of rope tops about how they have tied up someone, that someone got nerve damage, and the top is doing the right thing by admitting it happened. Congratulations for being a decent human.

Now you can all keep whining about nerve damage and the dangerous dangers of your dangerous shibari…

Or you can do a different fucking tie.

That is all,

Anonymouskinky

Kink, finally

Well! I finally got to play some. It reminds me that I really need it. It isn’t a want, it’s a need. The normal way I function is that I can’t even think about throwing a flogger at someone I am not in a relationship with. (Or with whom I might at least have the strong possibility of a relationship with.) But the longer I go without having some kinky fun, the more unhappy I become. And if it gets too long, people I would normally never consider playing with will start to seem like a viable option.

And I’m not talking about the way they look or if they are a jerk. I mean people I have no business entangling in an ultimately dangerous web. Like my good friends. Who are wonderful as friends, but would very likely no longer be friends if I play with them and muck up our friendship. Which would be the most likely outcome. Since I tend to become inappropriately possessive. I have, too many times, fallen down that hole. And I have lost friends because of it. I don’t want to do that any more. Which is why I stopped playing with friends that I’m not interested in as romantic or sexual partners.

Thank goodness that the Husband and the Wild Thing are finally less busy. I just hope it stays that way. I don’t have so many friends that I am keen to lose them to my lust.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

I’ve been uninspired to post

I haven’t had anything to post about. There has been a distinct lack of kink in my life lately. I miss that. I miss my kink. I miss my husband, who is currently working in another city. I miss my dog who died. I miss the life I had this time last year. Right now I’m just listless and lonely. Thus, the lack of posting. But the good news is that things can get better. As soon as I work up the energy to change things.

This is my life: I am a slave and you will do Master things to me right now!

When I first entered the kink scene, I thought I was a slave. I really believed that was where I fit in. It wasn’t, of course. But I hadn’t done any soul searching on the subject since I was brand new. I had no natural instinct about it. Perhaps because it all happened very suddenly and there were so many things happening at once. Perhaps it was because all of the examples of kink that I had before me were M/f. In the end, it doesn’t matter why, it matters that I wasn’t a slave. I wasn’t even submissive. What matters is that I did think about it eventually, after I slowed down enough to quit doing and start thinking. What matters is that I did find that natural instinct after I was not simply overwhelmed with delight in finding something that actually stirred me sexually.

So when I say that sometimes people are a little confused about exactly where they fall on the kink spectrum, I know from personal experience that it happens! When I say that sometimes, someone needs to figure out what actually works for them… brings them joy or personal fulfillment… turns them on… I know what I’m talking about. I think it’s wonderful when people are basically born with a whip in their hand. Those people who have these feelings or desires very early on have it all figured out by the time I was just stumbling into kink. They’re lucky.

I was not lucky so much as I was confused. I didn’t mean to mislead anyone. I genuinely thought I was great slave material! I was convinced I would make some nice man a wonderful slave. I was dead wrong. I am only happy that I didn’t have many dominant partners before I figured out that I was a dominant myself. And I thank the people who helped my on my journey in figuring that out. I admire their patience. I admire their restraint as well. Nobody yelled at me or tried to force me to be something I’m not. I haven’t always been so kind to the confused people in my life. I’m certainly not perfect. My past partners were merely trying to get me to do the things I said I wanted to do. To be the way I said I wanted to be.

But, of course, I wasn’t. And I didn’t want to do those things. I thought I was those things. But there is a world of difference between bottoming and submitting. And while I could manage bottoming, I never managed submitting. It was easy enough to get me to do the things I brought up. But I wasn’t very good at doing the things they wanted me to do. Sure, I might try it once to see if I liked it. But the problem was getting me to do anything more than once. And that was just in the context of play. I can’t even imagine the colossal pain in the ass I would have been if anything had ever moved from play partners to anything more.

So, my “submission” looked something like this:

Me: Hey, I saw this guy tying up this girl and spanking her. I want to try that with you.

Them: Well I am good with rope. I can totally do that.

 

Them: I am very good with a flogger. Have you ever been flogged?

Me: No, but it looked really fun to me when X was being flogged. I do think I want to try that!

 

Do you see a pattern here? I was keen to try new things. I was keen to do the things I wanted to do. But nowhere in there did I indicate that I wanted to do things with a thought to what they actually wanted. Nor did I ever indicate that I wanted to give up any control to anyone. I wanted to try the things I wanted to try. I wanted someone to do those things to me. Sure, I expected that they would enjoy the things to. But that was certainly not my main motivation.

Yes. I was a do-me bottom. And a confused one at that!

Not that being a bottom is wrong or bad. It isn’t. Bottoms are wonderful to have! They are the perfect counterpoint to tops. And do-me bottoms aren’t even a bad thing. They are the perfect counterpoint to service tops. But bottoming is not the same thing as submitting. And if you don’t have a conversation with your partner, it can lead to frustration and confusion. For both/all of you.

So listen up all you submissive people! Ask yourself if you want to do the things you want to do. Do you want to do the things that your partner wants to do? Maybe you want to do things that are mutually agreeable to all parties. Ask yourself if your main priority (not your only one, perhaps, but your main one) is you or your partner(s). Ask yourself if you want someone else making decisions about your scene. Or your life. Or maybe you want to be the one making those decisions. If your answers are anything like the examples above? Perhaps you are not submissive. Perhaps you are a bottom. Perhaps you are a do-me bottom. Perhaps you are actually… a dominant.

It happens sometimes that we are all a bit confused. And the best thing we can do for our own peace of mind and happiness is to give it some thought so that we can figure out what actually works for us. How can we find our happiness if we don’t even have a clue what it looks like?

Musings on what I like: actually submissive submissives

Logically, I know that not everyone will be attracted to what I’m attracted to. I’ve always acknowledged that I don’t really go for the stereotypically attractive men. I like slight men. Short. Wiry. Pretty. Submissive. While I can be attracted to men that the world might identify as “alpha,” (not that I personally care for that particular term) it’s much easier for me to be attracted to men who most would not label as alpha, leader, etc. It isn’t that I don’t like a man with his own personality. Or that inner strength. On the contrary, I appreciate a man who is unafraid to be whoever he is. But I have a special sweet spot in my heart for men who are unabashedly, whole heartedly, fearlessly submissive.

One who can embrace his desire to hand over authority to me. One who wants to do things that make me happy. One who embraces the part of himself that revels in making my life more pleasurable. I have sometimes worried that my style of dominance doesn’t resonate as dominant to many people. I don’t really want to deal with someone who won’t willingly hand over authority once he knows I’m trustworthy. I also refuse to act dominantly before I consent to it. Which can also be a potential turn-off to potential submissives. But when it works, it’s brilliant.

That fearlessly submissive man who clicks with me empowers me to look at my own desires and make them known to him. To expect that he will do the things I ask him to do. To find my nurturing side, which can only express itself through my ability to be the dominant partner. Because that does seem to be the only way it will come to the fore with me. If he isn’t submitting to my authority, taking care of my most basic of needs… then my desire to nurture is basically nonexistent. It isn’t that I don’t care about someone who isn’t submitting to me. I can and have. But there’s caring, and there’s the desire to nurture and help him be the absolute best he can be.

And that only seems to come out once I am confident in his joyous submission to me.